Who called it a psychic reading instead of prophet sharing?
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Dr: Take two tablets at 7pm every night. Not too late!
~later~
5pm: Nah too early
6pm: Still too early
6:45pm: Ooh nearly tablet time
11pm: shit
Always trust your dog’s first impression of someone.
DOG 911: what’s ur emer-
DOG: A FURRY THING IS BEHIND ME
DOG 911: can you bite it?
DOG: I CAN’T SPIN FAST ENOUGH
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
Some people can fast for a day or two and remain peaceful.
I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
I now ask my Dad things like he used to ask me when I was a teenager.
Where are you going? Who are you going with? What time will you be back? Do I know any of these people? Do you have a coat?
My Mom: I like that actor Tom Hiddleston. What was he in?
Me: Taylor Swift for a while.
I wish I could get bitten by a radioactive confident person.
How many times does one have to open the fridge door before cake appears inside?
One day you’re bad to the bone and before you know it you’re tired to the bone
What’s the difference between a sweet potato that you take out of an oven and a pig you throw out the window?
One is a heated yam, and the other is a yeeted ham….
most embarrassing email exchange I ever had:
– Sent an email
– They replied & called me “Mautice”
– I reply with a stink about how my name is properly spelled and that it’s actually really important to me
– They told me to check my 1st email
– I had misspelled my own name
Why call it a staple remover and not an upper left corner of the page mangler?
[robbing a bank]
I would like to withdraw everything (narrows eyes) illegally
[Cop questioning suspected watermelon thief]
COP: *squints* Was it you?
GIRAFFE (who has watermelon-sized bulge halfway down his neck): Nope
one time my cousin greg put on two jean jackets and he exploded, there was mustache everywhere
If there are ladies out there into bad boys, look no further. I’m now watching a show despite it being for mature audiences only.
I’m old, but I’m not against new music. Have you guys heard of The Police? They’re awesome
“I’m going to slide in and go back and forth until you’re satisfied”
-Floss
Autocorrect just changed “have a prosperous 2025” to “have a preposterous 2025” and I feel that’s much more likely.
Spouse ignoring your texts? Drop a nude and then immediately reply with, sorry wrong person. Works like a charm.
MURDERER: *while murdering me* I feel like you’re not taking this seriously.
ME: *eating a Belgian waffle* Wut?
[priest sees me approaching him again] look man we can’t make you better at fortnite
Kids will take 47 minutes to put on their socks and shoes then want someone to time them to see if they can take a bath and brush their teeth in 90 seconds.
Stop paying your bills and you’ll get the customer service you’re looking for.
At least six times I day I stare at my desk and wonder which object will injure me enough to get me out of work but not hurt that much.
My kids slept til 7:30 on the weekend so I gave them ice cream for breakfast and let them ride their bikes in the house.
I just accidentally dropped a bit of sausage on the floor and the dog immediately swooped in and hoovered it up, which amazed me because I had no idea she knew how to operate it.
Friend: Are you ok if I cook (whatever) tonight?
Me: Unable to contain happiness that someone else is cooking and cries.
If I ran a yoga class, I’d make up new names for all the poses.
Alright, we’ll start with The Wandering Kneecap, then move onto Downward-Facing Drunk, and then The Greasy Weasel.
dril cadence
