Who called it a scale and not a weigh of life?
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WAITER: what else can i get you
ME: nothing thanks
WAITER: okay I’ll get the check
ME: *balls fists* what did i just say
How dare you say I’m crazy on the eve of my cats wedding
If a sister is a nun then a brother is a bun this makes zero sense aaand send
A good relationship is when she is by your side during bad times to tell you that none of this would’ve happened if you had just listened to her.
Be warned….if you fly Spirit, everything is an upgrade fee.
Choose your seat? $10 fee
Check a bag? $30 fee
Want a pilot? $50 fee
Me: isn’t it interesting that the Sirens of mythology lured people to their deaths but now sirens are used to save people’s lives?
Ambulance driver: how do you keep getting in here?
There is nothing sexier than when she locks eyes with me as she finishes…
..Frying the bacon
You ever think about how our ancestors were hunters and gatherers and now you can go to a supermarket and buy a robot that cleans your floor
I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge
All cookie dough is edible if you believe in yourself
Job interviewer: What are your strengths?
Me: Is the next question going to be about weaknesses?
JI: Yes.
Me: I’m very perceptive.
[shopping on full stomach] bread, eggs, milk
[shopping on empty stomach] cookies, chips, a taco truck, a pizza shop, an ice cream factory
Well, it took 29 years, but I finally watched the original Jurassic Park, a cautionary tale about understaffing your engineering department and letting people push code directly to prod.
Does it sound ridiculous? Yes. Did I get a sports injury from eating too many tacos? Also yes.
T-Rex Dad: Today, I’m going to show you how to run after your meal.
T-Rex Teenager: But, if I run after a meal, won’t that upset my stomach?
T-Rex Dad: [Sigh] Our species is going to be SO extinct.
People who say “in and of itself” are responsible for most of the trouble in the world.
“BRING ME THE FOETUS’ OF 3 CHICKENS”
*Maniacal stare*
“Listen dude, its called an omelette,a 3 egg omelette”
“AND THE BLOOD OF 4 ORANGES”
“Don’t put all your eggs in one basket” is just a line fed to us by Big Basket.
“Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain.”
– me, peeping at you in the shower
Adopt a pitbull so that nobody asks you to babysit
Do dolphins have tattoos of single mothers on their arses?
Dylan Thomas: Do not go gentle into that good night… Rage, rage against the dying of the light…
*cut to me already Hulk-smashing a lamp
The fastest way to break your favorite mug is to say “I love this mug”.
let us all return to a simpler time, such as when i believed astroturf was farmed in space and brought to earth
Children are the future. Cuz in the present, they’re hella annoying
It’s an indescribable feeling when I’m trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming “HELP”.
Ostrich: OMG SOMEONE KILLED MY DAD
PLS HELP HE’S BEEN DECAPI- …wait911: *sigh* did he have –
Ostrich: he had his head in the sand again
These doctor forms keep asking how often I fall down…
…it’s like they’ve been tailing me.
Teen girl in mirror “I look like death!”
[Meanwhile in Hell]
Death scoffs & flips his hair “Yeah, as if”