Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I was kicked out of mime school once. I hadn’t put the safety lock on and my finger guns went off. The whole class took cover in their boxes

Me: I got a new blanket

My dogs:

I’m sick of this one horse town
*moves to two horse town*
No, no, this is too much

“I’m not angry, just disappointed. You need to try harder. This is important! Do I make myself clear?”

“Sorry, sir. Here’s your ketchup.”

In all honesty, my new dating service, “Well You’re Not So Great Yourself” hasn’t really taken off like I’d hoped.

it’s so important to spend hours reading various product reviews across multiple sites before saying “yeah fuck it this one” and buying whatever you happen to be looking at around 2 am

If that was me in the movie Taken, my dad would have missed the call and emailed me 3 days later asking if I have a job yet

You know it’s time to quit smoking when you laugh at a tweet and you sound like Muttley.

People are all like once you turn 30 you never want to leave your house. I was 4.

My body is a wonderland, but like, the “Alice In” type. Everything is the wrong size. Tons of tea in there. Cats everywhere.

the guy inventing artificial banana flavor: whatever close enough

Went on blind date, woke up in bathtub with kidney gone. 6 out of 10, would date again.

It’s so cute how my kids think I’m going to go look for them after I finish counting to ten.

Me:

JK Rowling: the Whomping Willow was gay

Good morning, here are some ABBA songs that could also be about Mario:

• Mamma Mia
• Money, Money, Money
• Super Trooper
• Name of the Game
• I’ve Been Waiting For You
• The Winner Takes It All

Please let me know if there are any more.

Imagine meeting the man of your dreams…

and he says, “prolly.”

Hallelujah started playing at church today

Kid behind me: mom this is the Shrek song

Thank god there is still hope for the next generation.

What’s the best way to commemorate the 500th episode of your podcast and why is it throwing yourself into an active volcano?

*Husband forgets to close screen on door*

*4 hrs later*

Me: *feels furriness on my leg in bed*
*rolls over*
Squirrel: *stares*

I like the sound of thunder because there’s always a tiny little chance that my ex will be struck by lightning

Hi, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve arrived just in time to make everything worse

[writing my will]

me: what is cremation

lawyer: they’ll turn your body into ash

me: oh sweet so do i also get a pikachu

COP: Freeze!!!
EXCEL: LOL no problem

A mechanical frog is called a ribot.

Sorry I haven’t said anything in a while

My husband pays me the highest compliments. Like “WOW! Look at you. You’re dressed.”

My 4yo’s favorite library book right now is a collection of articles from the ’90s about keeping iguanas as pets.
We do not have an iguana.

I went for a Pap Test today and the nurse said “I like your hair colour, is it natural?” and I replied “well, you’re about to find out.” [Seinfeld slap bass end scene] x

SCIENTIST: I want you to meet my robot

ME: Wow

SCIENTIST: He has limited functionality. He can’t hold a conversation or express emotion

ME: Ok

SCIENTIST: I was talking to the robot