Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Tried this new Playlist in the car, on the treadmill, at my desk, but it seems the best place for me to listen to old Greenday is 1992.

Accidentally feng shui’d tonight when everybody wang chunged and I’ve never been more embarrassed. That lamp does look great there though.

I hate people who use big words in tweets just to make themselves look perspicacious.

Accidentally went on a tiger date instead of a tinder date and it was way better because whether she swipes left or swipes right I still die

I’m okay, you?
Yea. Not bad. You?
Yea. Not too bad. Wby?
Yea I’m okay. You okay?
Yes. Not bad. You?
Not too bad. You?
Yes I’m alright. You okay?
Yes ya know. The usual. You okay?
I’m okay thanks. How’re you?
I’m okay thanks. You okay?
I’m okay
Good
Okay
Bye then
Bye

just found out the guy who is lying about the trans flag being the “MAP flag” was charged in court as a pedophile

The night is dark and full of terrors.

My day is long and full of meetings.

Same thing.

Roses are red,
I love mashed potato.
Poetry is hard,
laminator.

#PoetryDay

Based on the noise, my neighbors cars is stuck in the snow. If the aim of my potato gun is correct he’s gonna have a broken windshield too.

Luke: Lightsabers cut through anything.

Ninja: So does a samurai sword.

L: But does it make a cool noise?

N: *cuts off Luke’s other hand*

[First Date]
Me: so can I see you again?
Her: I had a nice time but I don’t think so
Me: *stops holding in stomach*

My birthstone is pecan pie.

Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?

Me: ha nice try

I: excuse me?

M: that’s how Lex Luthor beat Superman. I’m not stupid.

Him: So, it cost me my life savings and all my inheritance but you’re worth it, I booked us a trip on Virgin Galactic

Me: Umm…when I said I wanted space…

We’re possibly the most untrustworthy nation due to our inability to control our politeness.

How’s my day going?

If I was Daffy Duck I would of lost my beak already.

reporter: an asteroid is predicted to hit earth this week

me: *vacuums a little faster*

Her:
*puts cherry stem in mouth
*pulls it out with a knot
*winks

Him:
*puts earbuds in pocket
*pulls it out with 5 knots
*doesn’t get laid

I’m writing a horror story. It’s about a girl who forgets her headphones and her colleagues think it’s ok to talk to her. So much blood.

My one neighbor just said Supposingly and my other neighbor responded with Supposably..
I’ve hid both their bodies

Left the kids alone in a room with some styrofoam. One just yelled “it’s snowing” and the other started singing jingle bells. What have I done

It’s pretty stupid how tube socks come in a resealable bag as if I’m not going to eat them all in one sitting.

I could defuse a bomb if it sounded like an alarm clock and I was sleeping.

All excellent questions

I put sea salt on my seafood, so they can be reunited. Because I like happy endings.

Watched The Tinder Swindler a few weeks back, now watching Bad Vegan. The most puzzling thing is why do these women just give these men their money? Is this a thing you do if you have money? I would never give a man money. If the cashier at the store is a man I simply do not pay.

[1st day as chef]
[quiet shouting grows louder as I burst into the dining area covered in lobsters]

Wife: Why did the little mermaid wear seashells?

Me: Because she was too small for D-shells.

Wife:………………….

ain’t no way there’s billions of us and nobody got superpowers

I held the door for an old person today and he was like, “didn’t we go to high school together” and we did.