Who called it a shopaholic and not a boughtanist?
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A lady asked me where my adopted son came from and I said if she doesn’t know by now where babies come from it’s not my place to tell her
Based on how poorly this burrito was wrapped, I assume it was made by the one person at Taco Bell that has never rolled a blunt.
“So, do you play any instruments?”
Me: *slaps knees for 30 minutes straight without breaking eye contact*
Waiter: what can I get you?
Me: I’ll have what she’s having
Her: two divorces then please
[car wreck]
[hand reaches out]“Take my hand. I’m Chad Kroeger from the popular band Nickelback.”
[I let the flames slowly bake me alive]
“And there was this one time…”
*scuffle scuffle*
*muffled swearing*
*mic drops*Me, giving a wedding toast
*i open my briefcase, take out a picture of a block of velveeta cheese & slide it across the table to my financial manager*
how can i purchase one of these?
brain: did we get anything done this weekend?
me: no
brain: ok then at least we relaxed
me: somehow also no
Sorry I’m a week late. Had to scroll back to my birth year.
Wasn’t trying to push all your buttons, but in my defense I was looking for mute.
Whenever I feel guilty about buying another book, I like to remind myself that I just purchased 1-5 years of that person’s life for 26 dollars.
*rebrands massive pile of unfolded laundry as an art installation*
[wife gets home & sees shit on the rug]
What’s this?“It was Rover he w..”
*dog makes throat slice gesture*“It was me. I shit on the rug”
I hate when people say “you always want what you don’t have” like that’s really insightful and not just explaining the definition of “want.”
KIDNAPPER: *hits me across the face* nobody’s ever gonna find u
[duolingo owl busts through the door and shoots the kidnapper]
ME: holy shit u saved me
OWL: u’ve got more spanish to learn. u’ll die when i say u can die
[blind date]
Him: “I’m a big Beethoven fan.”
ME *trying to impress him*
“Saint Bernards are my favorite dog breed.”
Things that are more painful to step on than a Lego:
1. A gas pedal
Sometimes when life closes one door it opens another, because apparently life is trying to air condition the whole damned neighborhood.
My wife’s yoga class is really relaxing…
‘Cuz she’s usually gone for at least two hours.
date: [breaks 3 minute silence] “you dont have to use the chopsticks just to impress me”
me: [trying to pick up my beer] “i can do it”
Woke last night to the sound of thunder, that last bean burrito was a blunder 🎶
If you don’t speak English. I’M GOING TO REPEAT EXACTLY WHAT I JUST SAID MUCH LOUDER. In hopes that you understand.
-Everyone at my job.
Surprised my wife with potato chips. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the cabinet.
My daughter reminded me that being older doesn’t mean I’m always right. Sometimes, I’ve just been wrong for longer.
Hub: What time is our movie tonight?
Me: 7:30. It’s 2 hours 50 minutes
Hub: WHAT! I CANT STAY UP TILL 10:30
“Back off ladies. He’s mine”
Saw lady reading my book & was gonna say hi but I’m wearing the same shirt as in author photo & didn’t want her to think I only had 1 shirt.
he’s got his mother’s eyes, and his father’s chin… when will this child stop collecting bodyparts
[Christmas shopping]
me: I’m looking for a toy for my son
clerk: how old?
me: something new please
“Faster!” I yell, dropping into the bank from the open skylight.
“I’m trying!” Shouts my grandma from above, furiously knitting more cable.
Science has yet to explain why sandwiches taste better cut diagonally.