Who called it a Spanish teacher instead of an instruction Manuel?
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I text my husband approximately 35 times per day with a rate of about 1 response per 5 texts.
Husband, after I put my phone down for 3 minutes and one “Hi” text from him goes unanswered:
HELLOOOOOOOOOO WHERE ARE YOU?!!??! HELLOOOOOOOOOO ARE YOU OK
My child who doesn’t like pickles: *sees me eating a pickle* can I have a pickle?
Today on House Hunters, we’ll attempt to entangle Hugh Laurie in a giant net.
She was like “wrong hole”, so I said “adventurous on the e-harmony profile isn’t knitting quilts Velma”, long story short I’m still single.
Swung by drugstore to pick up cheapo last minute anniversary gift for my girlfriend, completely forgetting about her new job as drugstore cashier.
At bedtime I ceremonially move the claw clip from my hair to the bag of chips, signifying the end of the day.
My mind is like a sponge.
It spends most of its time in filthy places.
If you heard twenty minutes of moaning from my bedroom that was just me trying to stand up.
Each time I type “love you,” my phone changes you to Roy. So, I just want to say…Roy if you’re out there, make yourself known, because my phone has a mad crush on ya.
Me: One coffee please.
Barista: Name for the cup?
Me: Umm Cuppy McSip.
I booked a suite at a 5 star hotel and when my girlfriend arrived,on the bed spelled out in rose petals was “be right out,I’m taking a shit”
Cute skinny girls wearing weird mismatched clothes: hot quirky hipsters
Me wearing weird mismatched clothes: homeless lady from the 80s
if ghosts r real why are there no dinosaur ghosts? think about that, but u won’t bc i just blew your mind with something called logic, idiot
Lois: Why can’t I find a boyfriend like you?
Superman: What about that Clark fellow? He seems cool
Lois: Who? Speccy McSpecface?
Superman:
Lois: Are you crying?
Me on my way to find a boyfriend before Valentine’s Day…
wanted: shrödingers cat
dead and alive
The Tooth Fairy plants all of those teeth as evidence
Tomorrow’s goal is to double my water intake by having two sips.
sometimes you see a really brain-dead “political theory” take on here, then you realize it’s just a 19-year-old who figured out a really verbose way to say they hate school
They should sell edibles at the airport with the slogan “make every flight a red eye”. This would make approximately 600 billion dollars
Just came to the realization that my ten year high school reunion will be in 10 months. I have about nine days to get married and pregnant.
Me to kid: go tell your brother dinner’s ready
The same kid right beside me:
When grocery shopping, I only buy foods that can also be used as a weapon. Cantaloupe is a good example of this.
I’m doing the 30 day taco cleanse
Flight attendant: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: What kind of gravy do you have?
As a holiday tradition on Christmas Day, all Christmas presents are checked with our drug dog.
Those deemed suspicious, are mine.
My landlord is very strict about dogs. It doesn’t matter how well-behaved they are. He still won’t accept them as a form of rent.
One of Jesus’ most impressive accomplishments was being 33 years old and still having 12 really close friends.
They say to do something that scares you everyday so I hosted an outdoor birthday party with 12 kids under the age of 8 while wearing a white t-shirt.
Here is my toddler homeschooling schedule. Any questions?
8-10am: frozen
10-12pm: frozen 2
*lunch*
1-3: frozen
3-5:frozen 2
*dinner*
6-8pm: frozen
*bed*