Who called it a Spanish teacher instead of an instruction Manuel?
You Might Also Like
turtleneck: oooh cozy
mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY
“Oh I would do anything for cash,
But I won’t do that”– my kids, Meat Loafing me when I ask them to do their chores
My husband and I finished another Netflix show together so now we don’t have anything in common again.
When I see Jehovas I talk to them right through my doorbell camera and tell them I’m not home.
coworker: What’d you get for Christmas?
me: Drunk
coworker: What did your wife get?
me: Mad
I used to be married to an active, vibrant, happy young woman who decided one day to hang a bird feeder in the back yard, and now I’m married to a glassy-eyed, unwashed maniac that stands at the kitchen window all day screaming at squirrels.
I love telling someone to be careful. Because then if they die, that’s on them
I hate it when I speak French to the homeless guy saying I don’t understand English and he replies in French so I have to give him money.
Apparently being a 45 year old man sitting on Santa’s lap demanding the heads of your enemies is just too much for some malls.
Cashier: how old r u?
Me:*holding beer nervously* uuh 21
Cashier:*shaking his head sadly as he pulls Trix out of my cart* Trix are for kids.
Just called my friend’s office & asked for Gary. The receptionist said “Which Gary?” WHICH GARY?? HOW MANY GARYS YOU GOT? 2 MANY GARYS #GARY
I just bought a beautiful 18th century bowl.
It even has a little sign on the bottom that says dishwasher safe.
Feels like we probably could have put that groundhog’s psychic abilities to better use.
*eats way too much delicious space pudding*
Me: Oof I am STUFFED! What’d you call this again?
Alien Chef: OH MY GOD YOU ATE MY GRANDMOTHER!
Me: I’m sitting down to read and have my coffee. Don’t come in here unless it’s an emergency. I want 15 minutes.
[12 seconds later]
“MOOOMMMM! HE’S BUILDING A FORCE FIELD AROUND ME”
Podcasters who eat while recording: why do you hate your audience?
2: [looks at old photo]
Papa you have no beard?Me: That was a long time ago, before Papa grew one.
4: [looks at same photo]
This before Mama had one, too?My wife:
Me: [sighs] 4 years. You had a good run, son.
turning my gender off to conserve energy
Accidentally got melted butter on some fried chicken and this is my delicious origin story.
The baby bites me a lot cuz she’s teething and fine, whatever, but just now she followed it up with some loud air chewing like she thought she was actually eating me and that was appropriate.
Judge: You were arrested for stealing a can of peaches. How many peaches were in the can?
Wife: Six, Your Honor.
Judge: In that case, you will go to jail for six days, one for each peach.
Husband: She also stole a can of peas!
*Takes gift wrapping paper to the counter*
Her: Did you want to buy that?
Me: No, I just wanted to hold it for a while.
me: I have a problem.
her: whatever it is, its OUR problem.
me: ok then WE just killed the neighbor.
No one told me about Snapchat filters so all this time I’ve just been taping animals to my face.
Retweeting a woman is basically saying “that’s what she said”
I put on my Godzilla costume, then go to the miniature golf course to beat up the windmill.
8yo me: i wanta be a paleontologist when i grow up
28yo me: (sifting through cat litter) oh look, a quarter!
*weighs self*
“Shit”
*takes clothes off*
“GODDAMMIT”
*takes tampon out*