Who called it a Spanish teacher instead of an instruction Manuel?
You Might Also Like
Beards are a privilege, not a right
‘He looks just like you’ is my favorite way to tell someone that their baby is ugly.
1st package: elaborate ribbon! precision corners! glittering magnificence!
4th: wrapping paper, some tape
15th: plastic grocery bag, staples
If a woman texts you three questions you should only answer one. They love that.
Welcome to Lion Tamer School. Everyone grab a chair. Good… good. You’re all halfway to becoming Lion Tamers now.
“Let’s tape a spider to a lobster and scare the shit out of everyone forever.”
-God making scorpions
In a cementary, I saw a guy crouching behind a tombstone. Morning, I said. No, he said, just taking a dump… .
My 20 y.o. son: Mom, if you were in Star Wars, do you think you’d be on the light side or the dark side?
Me: I’d probably be the mom whose son abandoned her to stay a slave on a desert planet after he won a flying car race.
Her: I’m going to start cooking without butter.
Me: This isn’t going to work out.
I’m off to the store
got your wallet?
yes
you sure?
YES
*hour later wife turns on news and I’m being chased by 6 cop cars and a helicopter*
An egg with 28 followers says I’m not funny. So if you need me, I’ll just be in the kitchen making an omelette.
her: so do you have air conditioning
me: no, only fans
Whenever I have a panic attack I put a paper bag over my mouth & once I’m done drinking the alcohol inside I feel a lot better.
My grandma used to tell me that video games were bad for me while she drank her gin in a cloud of unfiltered cigarette smoke in her home that was made solely out of asbestos.
Company loyalty can often be explained by Stockholm syndrome.
Grammar isn’t just grandpa’s wife.
Fun fact: Malcolm X was not his birth name. He was originally Malcolm Twitter.
What if death gives you lemons?
What then??
Conjunctivitis implies the existence of projunctivitis.
PATIENT: i just feel like something is missing from my life
THERAPIST: [is a cat] have you tried biting plastic
I don’t know who needs to see this but don’t ever answer your phone on your way home from work. They want you to stop at the store.
toddler: daddy do you like this book?
me: no
toddler: *snuggles in* perfect
Sometimes I wonder what people without kids do with all that free time. I bet they sit and stuff.
Everyone: Sleep when your baby sleeps.
My brain: Oh man she’s so cute. Just stare at her for two hours straight until she wakes up again.
Is it solipsistic in here or is it just me?
so a US company has to buy tiktok or the app will be banned??? Well folks, looks like we need to put on the best talent show this town has ever seen.
i don’t get it when people say they are only a “little” angry, i am either not mad or will murder you
I love it when I’m cooking a meal and half way through I realise I don’t have all the ingredients so I improvise by eating a cake instead.
A clean house is the true sign of a broken WIFI.
Wife: Why can’t you just say phrases correctly?!
Me: Well aren’t you a ray of sunscreen.