Who called it a Spanish teacher instead of an instruction Manuel?
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[dinner party, setting out the main]
Friend: Wow! Is this edible gold? You’re really stepping up your game!
Me, thinking about my kid’s art taped to the kitchen cupboard shedding glitter like a damn Head & Shoulders commercial: Isn’t it fancy?!
To impress the guys I told them I was dating an artist. I didn’t tell them her preferred medium was sandwiches.
I’m pretty sure when Kenny Rogers said we gotta know when to fold em, he was talking about slices of pizza
Called in, “If we’re living in a simulation, just simulate that I’m in the office today.”
Always 🥴
Me: I think my back is hurt, I can barely get out of bed.
14: Oh that’s too bad. Can you take me to get an iced coffee?
Why aren’t therapists on call? What, am I supposed to just wait a week to tell a medical professional that I’m suspicious of people in hats??
It’s almost midnight and my 44 years old ass is still up trying to figure out what I’m going to wear for the costume party that social-me proposed at work and now no-social- tired-broke me wants to punch me right on the nununana for having that dumb idea.
I’m a lady on the streets but a silly fake ghost in the sheets
I’ve been texting with “Isla’s mom” for 3 years. When is a good time to ask her her name?
Because it is Friday I will allow one beautiful woman to purchase me a glass of milk
People believe that they have brains but maybe that’s just inside their heads.
I’ve started insulting people exclusively with bird names, if you don’t like it then cope you red breasted nuthatch
Genie: *facepalm* And your final wish?
Me: To not have Alzheimers anymore
*looks at two lifetime supplies of skittles*
Genie: Probably should have opened with that
Friend: any plans for the fall?
Me: do you meant autumn or civilization?
I wish I was 7’9″ so my BMI would be normal
COP: It’s 4/20
ME: Yes, and I’m a dealer!
COP: Then you’re under arrest
ME: I’m a dealer at the casino, lol!
COP: Oh, haha! Is it a good place to work?
ME: No idea, I just sell drugs there
Million Dollar Idea ~ A bathroom mirror that takes pictures.
If I were the person naming diseases, Chronic Lying Disorder would be called Liarrhea.
I told this cashier she kinda looked like Lorde, and as I was walking out, heard the lady behind me assure her she did not look like Jesus.
[guy who’s about to invent dates]
*eating a meal* what if I could disappoint someone else at the same time?
#DesignFail
Operator: 911, what’s your emergency?
Me: Yeah, so I’ve heard of leaving your kid at the fire station, do they do pickup as well?
I cried at a wedding once. The reception was a cash bar.
All liquor stores are open 24 hours. When you have a brick.
You mean you can actually put the cork back in a wine bottle?
Hahahaa WHY!!??
Husband: Did you put “Deadly Wives” and “Why Women Kill” on our watchlist?
Me, picking up his socks sitting on the floor next to the laundry basket: Should’ve added “How to Get Away with Murder” as well.
Husband: What?
Me: What?
Having one bathroom in your house teaches you that it is possible to hate a person because of a bathroom.
my 10 yr plan is to wait till I’m 9 yrs 11 mos in & then absolutely slay
FACT: Had kids for one reason; to send them to the basement for paper towels when I run out of them in the kitchen. It’s scary down there.