Who called it a Spanish teacher instead of an instruction Manuel?
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Me: time for sleep
Brain: no we need to talk
Me: ugh not now brain
Brain: but this is important
Me: okay fine what is it brain
Brain: *sitting up* my name is brian
Customer: oh hey, I almost ran you over in the parking lot lmao
Me: what stopped you
I don’t understand people with clean houses. My house looks like a hurricane and tornado broke in, got into a brawl, and left
“africanized killer bees” are trending so it’s a good time to mention that Killer Bees are literally an escaped scientific experiment gone wrong, like in the movies
If the lever on your toaster breaks off and your bread starts burning, can you pry it out with a butter knife? The answer may shock you.
House is clean. Time to sell the children and move.
I got my first real 6-string
Bought it at the 5 & dime
Played it til my fingers bled
Mom sued the guitar manufacturer & settled out of court
2015: I can’t believe people think the dress is blue and black
2016: I hope the human race doesn’t destroy itself forever in violent chaos
Mom’s coming over for dinner. She just LOVES my lasagna. So I made a taco salad.
When my goldfish starts acting like a jerk I remind him that his bowl is microwave-safe
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
“No”
Cop: *points* Your buck naked
[turns to deer in passenger seat] “Jesus Frank, put your fur back on”
My grandfather came to this country with nothing but the shirt on his back. When he got here, the cops made him put on pants, too.
Got tazed at the zoo again for telling a group of kids that some gorillas in the wild walk around carrying hammers and that they are called ‘Thorillas’.
Filling a thermos:
weird that the doc wanted a stew sample
When people in movies get fired, they all have that one little box with a framed picture on top. You worked there for 17 years, why don’t you have more stuff?
Sometimes I regret teaching my children an evidence-based approach to life #FathersDay
My daughter is pissed because I made her miss a forensics club meeting for a dentist appointment and the way she’s staring at me suggests that she’s plotting a way to use her forensic knowledge on me.
Wow your rib cage and hip bones look stunning !!!
Said No Man Ever
Presents open. Now to watch my children watch other children play with the toys I bought them on YouTube.
When I was 12 I found a document on our family computer with my name on it where my mom wrote that I was “witty, which can be irritating” like damn lady name that document taxes2001 or something.
Tonight we discovered 9 memorized my phone code and 6 memorized my husband’s code.
They’re working together, we’re in trouble.
me: how much gas do i have?
car: empty.
me: ok but HOW empty?
One day, when my kids are grown with their own homes, I’ll come over, grind food into all of their keyboards and lie about it.
Tobacco causes Cancer
Alcohol causes Dancer
Want proof advertising works?
I just bought a Goodyear blimp.
if humanity is so smart how come it took 6000 years after the wheel was invented for someone to put them on a suitcase
Throwing pregnancy tests into the shopping carts of random couples at Walmart is the only silver lining in my day.
I hate when recipes tell you to take something out of the pan and add it back in later. No way bro. It’s staying in there.
Being a dad is great. On Christmas morning I’m just as surprised as the kids when they open the presents we bought them.