me: [holding my cat like a baby] the apocalypse is here
cat: [scratches me]
me: no. we must remain calm
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Me: *wearing my Burger King crown
Passport photographer: No
“…and use only your finest microwaves.”
– me, trying to impress my date at Applebee’s
Her: Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
Me: Okay. When will that be?
Her: Oh, I don’t drink coffee.
Thanks to daylight saving time, my kids now have an extra hour to fight with each other.
[god creating seahorses]
angel: any more ideas for animals?
god: ok, what if tiny saxophones could swim
My teen daughter wants me to “hurry up” getting ready to go somewhere and ain’t this some karma
M: Yes, I’m here for the complimentary wine tasting.
Priest: Ma’am, this is a church service.
M: Oh, no worries. I can wait.
One of the hardest things I’ve ever done as a parent is hold back crying laughter while telling my kid not to refer to Aquaman as Seaman.
It’s so cold, my dentures are chattering as they soak.
Do you realize that if real women had the same proportions as Barbie they’d be only 11.5 inches tall?
1) “Obamas spying on you.”2) “Eh. Cost of being free!”1) “Obama wants to give you healthcare.”2) “WHO THE HELL DOES HE THINK HE IS?”
FBI AGENT: You’ll be put into witness protection
ME: Can I be someone that has friends?
FBI AGENT: No, it has to be believable.
A good way to break up with a girl is to leave her a trail of rose petals starting from her front door to North Korea.
I’ve been asked why I like dogs more than people. Short answer: My dog has never included me in a group text.
Accidentally spilled some rice on my iPhone, so am now going to have to leave it submerged in water overnight.
Me: give me all the brisket you have
Food truck attendant: jesus I’m driving 80, how are you still holding on
Everytime someone on my social media says “omg you’re British” I instantly respond with well done want a cookie? 🙄🙄😂
And on the eighth day, God let the dogs out. And there was much confusion among the Baha Men.
[1st time buying drugs]
Me: can I get a *reads smudged notes on hand* married iguana
Guy: *opens coat to reveal married iguanas*
Me: hell ya
My girlfriend and I are sharing an #Amazon account.
We’re prime-mates.
There are two types of people, those who can’t keep a secret and those who can keep a secret for like five minutes
[JOB INTERVIEW]
It says on your CV that you are a magician, can you show me?ME: *Points on CV to where it is says I am a magician*
Please make sure your kid’s middle name pairs well with their first name because you’ll be yelling that combo more than you think.
Next time I get asked in an interview what would I do if I win the lottery I’m going with “I’d start a cult” and see where things go from there
Saying please to a toddler is like being polite to a tornado.
Surprise a beautiful person today by disagreeing with them.
yeah i got a gym membership. its called life. watch me lift this big ass rock. now im gonna do 20 reps of pretending im a beautiful bird
Names that sound like Tarzan describing people:
William Hurt
Emily Blunt
Edgar Wright
John Goodman
Shelley Long
Timothy Treadwell
Emma Stone
Jack Black
The hardest thing about ghost hunting is cutting its head off so you can mount it on your wall