who called it a toilet and not an IP address
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BOSS: Can we meet in 20 minutes?
ME: Can it wait until tomorrow?
BOSS: Sure. Busy day?
ME: (pauses video of a dog playing in crunchy leaves) Yes.
It’s not cheating. Or money issues. Leaving drawers and cabinets open is the true test of a marriage.
Moana is my favourite movie about The Rock continually trying to drown a little girl.
Don’t talk to me until after I’ve had my breakfast beer
CW: Linda! Did you forget the boss is treating us to lunch today?
Me: *mouthful of food*
*blink blink* No I didn’t forget.
When you get to my age, your milkshake still brings boys to the yard, but they’re like “I’m lactose intolerant.”
if you ever wanna impress a girl just bring a baby on your date and then basically just outperform the baby at everything it’s really easy
I was always told that women can’t have it all but I just ate two everything babies.
Tommy Lee Jones always looks like his son just told him he wants to ride unicycles professionally.
Water Polo is one shark away from being the most entertaining sport around
[Speed dating]
HER: I’m really into astronomy
ME: the moon follows me when I drive
I use my oven like my grandmother uses her cell phone – sparingly and confusedly.
*walks around revolving door for 3 hours while staring down at phone*
If they handed out awards for peeling a hard boiled egg with grace, I would get absolutely nothing.
If crying kids on planes bother you, just have 5 of your own, so that next time you hear one, you’ll be like “Thank God that isn’t mine.”
I’m a disaster playing scrabble with the kids. I know all these disgusting words.
It’s your fault.
The date was going so well until he called me gorgeous and I blew a bubble out of my nose on accident.
People hate me at B’way musicals because when the characters break into song, I always shout, “You don’t have to do this. Just talk to us.”
Pirates that used X to mark the spot were stupid. If they had used a G, nobody would ever have found their treasure.
A person running around with a laptop chasing an unsecured WiFi signal looks eerily like a cat chasing a laser pointer.
My coworker Tim fell down the stairs and nobody laughed when I yelled “TIMBERRRRRR”
My son fell asleep early, so I’m going to live like I did before having kids!
*cooks on front burner of the stove*
Learning how to say “where the hell am I?” in eight languages. Just in case.
There’s a book called “Why Women have sex” by Cindy Meston. The author also wrote”Why Men have sex” but I’m guessing thats just a pamphlet.
another day another dollar?
where’d you find a dollar?
I was late to my first fight club last night so I missed the introduction but it was still really fun and I highly recommend fight club
I’d rather fork than spoon.
[on a first date]
Her: Tell me about- [paper wrapper from straw hits her face]
Me: *sets straw down* Sorry
keep reaching for the stars, kid: