Who called it a vasectomy and not a cull de sack?
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Like shark attacks on humans, it’s actually extremely rare. The majority of antique, porcelain headed dolls aren’t interested in murdering people.
Home Alone is my favorite movie about the inevitable homicidal tendencies that come from prolonged neglect.
My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. Now she’s a pearl diver in the Philippines & can afford her own damn dessert.
Not to brag but this cashier is checking me out.
Rich people are telling us their lack of bathing habits to try & discourage us from eating them
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
I was on the phone with my parents and I brought up how I’m parenting differently than they did, so they became defensive saying “Well, look how well you turned out” and I heard my wife laughing all the way from Target.
Once upon a midnight dreary, While I pondered my next mealy, Came an empty tapping, a rapping at my pantry door. Quoth the Ramen “ever poor”
This morning I packed nothing but a kale salad for lunch and now 1pm me wants to punch 7am me in the face.
Why is it spelled camouflage and not
Do one thing every day that scares your psychiatrist
Got out of the shower this morning and went to put my Fitbit back on, the screen said “looking good.” Was more than a bit unsettling since I was naked. 😳👀
Then: I will never lie to my children
Now: Your teacher just called and said that if you let me lay on the couch all day then you get 100% in class.
Sometimes it’s fun to walk out of the ladies room licking your fingers.
[First day of dropping kids off at school]
*Hugs and crying*
[2nd day]
“Get out!”
Martin Shkreli at prison commissary:
“Can I buy shower sandals?”
“That’ll be $700”
“I thought it was $13.50”
“The price suddenly went up”
[God making African animals]
Screw it. Just put stripes on a horse, make that water lizard really big, and put spots on a really tall deer.
GOD: u get powers for one day and this is what u do?
[every animal now has a startle reaction like a pufferfish]
[an obese tiger rolls by]
When I was at the Dollar Store, I saw this cat food called “Alley Cat” and all I could think was with a name like that why not save yourself a buck and just feed your cat out of the trashcan?
A tornado can get rough quickly, so it’s important to agree on a safe word before having sex with a tornado.
People are always impressed to hear that I graduated from Harvard at 16, but you can do anything you set your mind to if you just lie.
If you name a baby “Steve” you get to spend all day, like, “Yo, my man Steve shit himself and threw a potato at the cat.”
It amazes me how the moon controls the tides from hundreds of thousands of miles away…
yet, it’s a struggle to get my kid to pick up toys from only a few feet away
who named it sea urchin and not snorkupine
Met a dog named Donut. I don’t need that kind of reminder all day. Excuse me, I have to go take Smaller Portions for a walk.
HER: your phone is exacerbating our problems
*i pick up my phone*
HER: your behavior is untenable
“hold on I’m still googling exacerbate”
ME: Is it true you can smell diseases?
MY DOG: Yes
ME: Well do I have any?
MY DOG: Yes, you’re insane
ME: Wow you can smell that?
MY DOG: No
My kids and I have developed an intricate system of hand gestures to communicate nonverbally. Our go to gesture is the throat slit.
Me: Would you consider going out with a guy a little older than yourself?
Her: Well of course I would. Why, do you have a son?