Who called it a Viking burial at sea and not a gravey boat?
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“Ooh January’s been going on so long, when will it end?” Well now it has and what have we got? February. Well done you idiots
Too close to dinner for lunch now. I’ll just have a few fresh veggies and half a bag of potato chips to tide me over.
My definition of the word ‘mansion’ becomes looser and looser every year. Oh ur asbestos bungalow has flyscreens? Um ok your Highness
Dear Diary, someone’s sent me a podcast recommendation again.
People who think it’s okay to drop by,
It’s not okay. If you aren’t carrying an Amazon box for me, do not even consider ringing my doorbell for I will hide from you even after we make eye contact through the window on your walk up the sidewalk I DGAF.
Sorry my armpits are so sweaty, I had to say my name and title on a conference call.
Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t tripDon’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again– me running up the stairs
[entering the office]
Coworker: How are you?
Me: I’ve got a case of diarrhea.
Coworker: Should you get to the bathroom?
Me: No, I just need to find somewhere to put it down.
Cop: I have bad news. It’s your son. You need to come down to the mortuary
Mom: But…how?
Cop: Maybe get a cab?
Next time someone knocks on your bathroom stall say “Sorry, I’m with a client.”
Out in public, my husband and I only argue using whale sounds, so it’s actually a very calm and soothing experience for people around us.
My phone encourages me to get exercise, monitors my heart rate and tells me when to go to bed.
I think it’s one of the most nurturing relationships I’ve ever had.
“This may be our 85th viewing of this movie, but we’ll watch it as intently as if it was only our 23rd”
-Toddlers
Interviewer: what did you bring to the table
Me: in my last job I brought a lot of enthusia-
Interviewer: no what did you just put on my desk
Me: u mean my toad
One day you’re young and the next you’re standing at the kitchen window staring menacingly at your neighbors.
WIFE: That won’t work
ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?
*hitler leans in close to the mic* and the next person to question me gets executioned
*grammar nazi bites lip*
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: the word is “semicolon”
ME: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: not really, no
[i’m on the ship’s deck, dragging around a board by a rope]
PIRATE CAPTAIN: *rubs temples* that’s not what i meant by “walk the plank”
I’m listening to a flat earth argument at this bar and I want so bad to interject more stupid nonsense
[Funeral]
Her: [Through tears] I’m gonna need your support today
Him: You got it babe [waves flag and presses air horn] WIFE! WIFE! WIFE!
Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.
That moment the school calls because 15 was caught drinking at school and it’s still the same principal that had to call your parents.
How do you know when you are too drunk to drive?
When you swerve to miss a tree and then realise it was your air freshener..
In honor of Star Wars day today, I cut off my son’s hand and kissed my sister.
Yes I delete tweets when they don’t live up to my expectations.
Just be glad I don’t have kids.
I love my husband. But, what really motivates me to stay married is how much weight I’d have to lose to date again.
tis the season
When you run the vacuum cleaner 9 or 10 times over something that won’t suck up so you pick it up to inspect it and it’s the cat.
If your going to insult me at least make me Google it