Who called it a Viking burial at sea and not a gravey boat?
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Thanks for the reply to my tweet from 2013, champ. I’ll be sure to take your advice.
*accidentally grabs a fork from the silverware drawer instead of a spoon but I’m too lazy to go back so it takes me 47 min. to eat my soup*
I like being a landlord for people I can feed noodles to all the time because they’re lo mein tenants.
*eats an entire box of cereal in one sitting*
Wtf there’s no prize in this?
“Sir, we don’t sell cereal. This is Petsmart.”
I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”
King’s men: sorry your highness…we couldn’t put Humpty Dumpty back together again
King (drunk af): let the horses try
Sometimes you send an email that requires a response, and the other person writes back right away, and it’s like NO NOT YET.
Cat: HUMAN IS TIME 2 DO A NEGOTIATE
Me: ok
Cat: IF U LET CAT EAT JUST ONE PLASTIC CAT WILL PROTECT U FROM SPIDERS
Me: I’m sorry but you can’t eat plastic, it’s really bad for you
Cat: FINE. U AM CHOOSE WAR
Me:
Cat:
Me: where are you going
Cat: MAKE ALLIANCE WITH SPIDERS
Karl’s toupee isn’t fooling any one
Them: This is a knife for cutting cake
Me: [Laughing] Who actually cuts cake
Them:
Me: Oh
Explaining hardcore to my sister:
“Some bands yell their own name in the song and it goes SO HARD.”
My sister: “Like, ‘Shakira, Shakira?'”
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
Bathrooms have Changed from being a Singing Studio, to a Photo Studio.
Age is just a number, like 100 hours of Community Service.
If you can’t take me at my most inappropriate, you don’t deserve me the other 3 days of the year.
Walking near the square a woman stopped me to offer a free skin care sample. Then she accurately guessed my age range. Some nerve!
*reading* 160 calories *thinking* Let me break it down to see how much I should eat. *reading and thinking* The can is 14.2 ounces, the serving size is 245 grams and the servings per container are about 3.
And we wonder why America is getting fat.
MATH
T-REX: listen up pal
AL: my name is al
PTERODACTYL: that’s what he said
Judas has been acting weird the last few days.
IKEA furniture will now snap together
will no tools or hardware.The company boasts that it will save
thousands of h̶o̶u̶r̶s̶ marriages
I’m just like the ghostbusters, except I chase squirrels around my neighborhood with a vacuum cleaner
Anyone mad about favstar shutting down can mail me $30, and I’ll tell your friend you like their tweet.
“can’t you take a hint?” bro I don’t even understand literal stuff
My cat has made it very clear that we will not be getting rid of the box that I want to get rid of.
I want an ecologically friendly burial (chuck me over my neighbor’s fence).
I would rather that you’d just paid some of my bills, but thanks for this combination rubik’s cube/pepper grinder.
I can either cut my toe nails, or majestically swoop down and grab a salmon from a river.
My former lover describes his beloved: “She’s amazing in a hundred different ways.” My guy describes me: “Chatty.”
wife [whispers] Josh
me
wife *nudges me* Josh
me: Huh? What?
wife: You were explaining the plot to Space Jam in your sleep again
Journalists stuck in 1970’s Belfast absolutely hating it