Who called it a Viking burial at sea and not a gravey boat?

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DATE: In my room when I was younger [smiles] I used to sing with a hairbrush

ME [spits out drink] I never even knew hairbrushes could sing


[The Last Supper]

Waiter: *grinning slyly* Here’s a 50% off coupon for your next visit.


“No, Mr. Bond, I expect you to dye.” Auric Goldfinger giving instructions at his Easter egg decorating party.


Parenting tip: If your toddler is being quiet then they are probably doin somethin like tryin to flush the cat down the toilet.


Seattle outlawed plastic straws so now I’m snorting coke through a tampon cardboard applicator.


This woman’s “I’m deleting my Facebook” post has 52 comments and she’s replied to all of them. Not a strong start.


*cooking dinner*

Omg this smells SO good. The kids are gonna hate it.


Always answer a math question in a silly voice because if you’re wrong they’ll think you’re joking and if you’re right they’ll feel dumb.


Bruce Willis reaches for his iPhone but accidentally grabs his iPad and screams because he thinks he’s shrunk


Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.