@craiguito

Who called it a Viking burial at sea and not a gravey boat?

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@ArfMeasures

DATE: In my room when I was younger [smiles] I used to sing with a hairbrush

ME [spits out drink] I never even knew hairbrushes could sing

@AllanForsyth

[The Last Supper]

Waiter: *grinning slyly* Here’s a 50% off coupon for your next visit.

@badbanana

“No, Mr. Bond, I expect you to dye.” Auric Goldfinger giving instructions at his Easter egg decorating party.

@ScreaminMomX2

Parenting tip: If your toddler is being quiet then they are probably doin somethin like tryin to flush the cat down the toilet.

@Eightinchgoat

Seattle outlawed plastic straws so now I’m snorting coke through a tampon cardboard applicator.

@girlwithatail

This woman’s “I’m deleting my Facebook” post has 52 comments and she’s replied to all of them. Not a strong start.

@Mom_Overboard

*cooking dinner*

Omg this smells SO good. The kids are gonna hate it.

@lisaxy424

Always answer a math question in a silly voice because if you’re wrong they’ll think you’re joking and if you’re right they’ll feel dumb.

@Dildo_Hitler

Bruce Willis reaches for his iPhone but accidentally grabs his iPad and screams because he thinks he’s shrunk

@DothTheDoth

Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.