Who called it a Viking burial at sea and not a gravey boat?
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My spouse wonders why I have a hard time visiting his parents for the whole weekend but it probably has a lot to do with the fact that I have to put a bra on before coffee
“Every action has an equal and opposite reaction.”
– Isaac Newton, observing me on a date
As your mom always said, “Heavy is the head that wears the clown.”
My amazing grandma cooked me some meals and this is how she labeled this one. God bless her.
My daughter wants to know why I won’t peel and slice her apple and according to her “because I’m driving” is not a valid excuse.
I bought an online course to improve my memory but forgot the password to access it
If you’ve never told a cop that pulled you over for doing 88mph or higher that you are a time traveler then have you ever really even tried to get out of a ticket
Son got a RC drone for Christmas. Used it twice and never touched it again. I’ve become a bit of an expert on it chasing the neighbour’s cat out the garden when he comes for a dump. I can get the drone on and out the window in thirty seconds and chase him across six gardens.
I need to be drunk looking in the passport picture because I’ll certainly be drunk when I’m traveling.
I love how I can spend all day unabashedly getting naked and intimate with strangers but then wait until it’s dark outside to put my garbage on the curb because I do not want to be observed by people
PROFESSOR: We share 99% of our DNA with chimps.
ME: Okay so, like, do we take turns?
PROFESSOR: What?
ME: What if I need it and he’s still using it?
PROFESSOR: That’s not-
ME: I don’t want to fight him if he won’t give it back.
Wearing oven mitts and clicking BBQ tongs:
Ok I’ll look at that rash now.
I don’t care how old I am, the first thing I’ll always do when I get to my parent’s house is checking out what’s in the fridge.
DATE: gonna grab my jacket and brb. you look great by the way
ME (whispering to my suit made of chameleons): hell yeah keep it up you guys
Technically every mocking reply to a crypto bro is an NFT, because it’s a digital record of them being owned
What the hell was that?” my dog angrily demanded as we left the vet’s office.
“What?” I asked.
“That thing you did with the guy.”
“What, shaking his hand?”
“Yes shaking his hand. I thought that was our thing.”
I just found out it only costs about $100 to change your name!!!
Say hello to Ninja Firequeef!
Twitter should give you 5,000 followers when you start and then you have to try and lose them.
Rare footage of my parents on their way to school.
I bet
To the idiots who say ghosts aren’t real, maybe you should watch this documentary called Ghostbusters.
me: “why was she called the little mermaid, she was 5ft7?”
therapist: “i meant anything bothering you about your marriage keith”
Never throw sunglasses in an argument. If they land perfectly on your opponent’s face there is no known comeback.
Facebook’s great for when you wanna see a picture or a joke you saw on Twitter four years ago
8YO: If daddy grows his beard, he’ll look like a wizard
6YO: No, he’ll definitely look like a panda
I still remember how great water out of a squirt gun tasted. That hint of polyethylene.
So glad I was weird af in high school cuz now ain’t no one hittin me up to join their pyramid scheme 😌😌
People are like plastic bags: Some are meant to fly, some have holes — but are still useful — and, well, others are full of dog shit.
The postman told me he’s off to Spain tomorrow so I asked was he going to Parcelona and he ignored what I believe to be my best joke of 2014