Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m not one to give parenting advice, but kids are a lot less likely to fight you on eating dinner if you don’t give them lunch or breakfast

oh the aliens aren’t speaking to us right now because idk they’re pissed that we flaked out on that pyramid project they started or whatever

I need to get a car wash but my dogs’ nose smudges on the back window appear to be forming a word so I’m gonna let that play out first.

[Text]

18: This Hotel wants me to pay for Wi-Fi?!

Me: You do know someone pays for Wi-Fi at home too, right?

Them: Name something you’d like to try in the bedroom

Me: How about a full 8 hours of sleep

Not saying it’s hot, but I’m slow-cooking a meatloaf in the back seat of my car so dinner will be ready when I get home.

Forget Prince Charming. I want a bed that changes sheets daily and legs that always feel clean shaven and when the two meet each night the sleep is magical.

being too stressed isn’t good for the baby.

i’m not pregnant though, its just that i’m the baby

I hate when boxing announcers say a boxer is “down for the count.” I don’t care that he loves Dracula I just want to know who’s winning.

I have no theories as to what the apocalypse will be like.

But I do know my kids will still be asking for snacks.

If I ever meet you and you don’t look anything like your avi,you’re buying drinks for me until you do

Turns out a cop hates a surprise hug

They say all good things must come to an end…

After 7 wonderful years of marriage…

I walked in on my wife…

Watching Twilight..

A lot of people look at Russian roulette as a negative game, but statistically it’s actually one of the only games you can’t lose twice

When an employer says they’re offering competitive salary I assume we’re all gonna assemble in the breakroom for medieval combat.

I freely admit to snorting with laughter #piggate #pigfilms

Visiting the cinema back in the day and asked to see “12 Monkeys”. The person serving me asked “How many?”, to which I genuinely replied with some confusion “12?”. Still makes me laugh and cringe in equal measure.

May just keep repeating the phrase “YOU DO YOU” to my coworkers until one of them sucker punches me.

“I don’t understand swimming. You don’t see fish going for a walk.”

[Job Interview]

How would you describe your time management skills?

Me: Can we talk about this later? I’m late for an appointment.

the best way to avoid people outside stores with clipboards is by carrying your own

If feeling embarrassment at past actions means you’ve “grown as a person,” then I grow as a person about every 5 minutes

gordon ramsay: we need you to make a twist on an american classic

me [boiling hotdog in baja blast mountain dew]: yes chef

Someone asked who sang Johnny B Goode, and I said Marty McFly because I’m not an idiot and I know how time travel works.

The Church of England rejected female bishops. How can women’s rights expect to move forward if they’re not even allowed to move diagonally?

Somewhere a guitarist sets down his instrument, pours gas on it, & lights it ablaze while Miley Cyrus naked on a wrecking ball shoots to #1.

I talk a lot of smack for someone who believes the plane will tip over if you stand up midflight.

I’ll be signing copies of my tweets this Friday at Barnes & Noble in Salt Lake City! Just meet me by the bathrooms at 5:30 & bring a pen.

I’m sorry I threw up on your kid but to be fair, he threw up on me first.