Who called it a volcanic eruption and not a lavalanche?
Aaaaaand…send.
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Home improvement paradox: every time you paint the inside of your house it gets a tiny bit smaller but every time you paint the outside of your house it gets a tiny bit larger
jacob when he finds out that his love interest is bella’s literal baby
The cool thing about driving 15 mph in a school zone is that it makes it so much easier to text.
Coworker: Good morning
Me (suddenly realizing this is my first interaction of the day): How are go?
It’s the eye of the tiger.
It’s the spleen of a sheep.
Interviewed a Canadian.
She has a Canadian accent & boobs.
She’s HIGHLY unqualified for the job.
She’s CANADIAN…& BOOBS. I hired her.
*shotguns bottle of hot sauce*
*checks mirror*
Is it working yet?
So according to the news today apparently Facebook is still a thing
me: i wanna see how high this cliff is
Charles Darwin: ok, go ahead
me: ill jump off and you count how long im in the air
Charles Darwin: wait but that could ki-
me: what
Charles Darwin:
me: that could what Charles
Me: (accidentally crushes the World’s Smallest Violin)
Guy who owns the World’s Second Smallest Violin: aw yea baby my time to shine
[first day as tour guide on the moon]
Me: keep your hats on
Guy at the back: um they’re called helmets
Me: yeah you can take your hat off.
who called it a missed phone call from your parents and not a boomer rang?
i like when people have names where clearly their parents couldn’t decide between two and they just have to live with Jennica
People who live in glass houses should be put on a watchlist.
you, a host: “Mike what are you bringing to Thanksgiving?”
Me, the ultimate guest: “the most important dish of all
*Coats body in coffee grains
*Waits for osmosis to occur
Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation that there is someone out there that cares enough about me to kill me.
Wife: I think I’m going into labor!
Me: *with a cold* Could you make me some soup before you go?
Marsupials have pouches and the good manners to keep children out of sight.
Naming my first daughter Piggleigh Wiggleigh.
My wife wanted me to stain the deck today, so I spilled my coffee and stomped a bunch of blueberries.
That woman has no sense of humour.
Professor X: What’s your power?
Me: I can turn ice into cats.
Professor X: That’s ridiculous.
Police: [busting in] You’re all under arrest!
Me: I got this!
Polecats: Sonofa…
[Biden runs into the oval office]
“Barack, ISIS are on the phone. They want a shipment of updog. I asked what it is but they just laughed”
your daddy is a what now?
*puts 7 pairs of yoga pants on counter*
Cashier: planning on getting in shape I see
Me: god no, these are the only pants that fit me now
“Come as you are. As you were. As I want you to be.” ~ Kurt Cobain, confusing party coordinator
I used to be so confused how people could forget where they parked but now I’m like what store did I just leave?
Me: Gets something in eye
Brain: Quick stick your finger in there too
[pinned down by sniper fire]
Squad leader: I’m going in. Hughes, lay down some cover for me
Me [putting a blanket on the floor]: you betcha
decorating my apartment
