Who called it a volcanic eruption and not a lavalanche?
Aaaaaand…send.
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*turns on internet*
computor, i need to take a break from trying to achieve one thing. show me all of the achievments of others all at once
doctor: how are u
me: good
doctor: my wife left thanks for asking
Me: oh no please stop stabbing me
Murderer: your sarcasm is ruining this
if you shouldn’t go food shopping when you’re hungry then you should definitely not go clothes shopping when you’re naked. trust me on this.
Child: I can’t wait to be older.
Me [tweezing grey hairs growing out of my ear]: There is literally no greater joy.
Wanted:
1 Psychic.You know who you are.
I’ve invented a loaf of bread that says ‘Good Morning!’ in German.
I’ve also invented one that just says ‘Morning!’ in German, that’s the guten-free version.
Me: Hey boss sorry I’m late but my –
Boss: The chain from your wallet got tangled on your bicycle seat again…
Me: yeah
My only crime was love. And 6 different murders in 3 different states. Also some criminal mischief. Tbh it was a pretty rough week.
eighth henchman to go after jackie chan: ok well he’s not going to kick EIGHT of us
*shaking head* I can’t tell which news stories are real or are April Fool’s Day pranks. I mean, you could say “Aliens have landed & have demanded to talk to the whales” & I’d just think “So 2022.”
I don’t want to work for 5 days a week and figure out what to cook for dinner everyday. I want to lay on a rock in the sun like a lizard.
I just hope Matrix Resurrections ends with Neo teaching Agent Smith the true meaning of Christmas.
“All you have left is your king and one knight,” sneers my grandmaster chess opponent. Suddenly a little hatch opens in my knight and thousands of tiny Greek soldiers swarm out.
I once got a ride home from the pizza guy by ordering 1 pizza to be delivered to the bar and 1 to my house. Pretty sure i deserve an award.
My children wanted to play restaurant and are very upset because I told them my place does not allow kids
Raised by wolves. Sent to college by wolves. Moves back home with wolves. Learns to ignore wolf-mom’s worried glances.
The big twist in GODZILLA VS KONG is they both find out their mother’s name is Mothra
The most unbelievable part of any Christmas movie is that characters my age are homeowners
no, autocorrect, i am not searching for dishwasher safe Tupperware kids
and jesus said, “there was only one set of footprints because sandpeople always ride single file to hide their numbers.”
day 9 in quarantine: On my way to working from home
I asked a barista why they were wearing a surgical mask.
they answered: It’s not a surgical mask, it’s a coughy filter
When someone is ignoring your messages..
just text them “I heard something about you”
and then ignore them too😜😜
Self rising flour is just like regular flour except one time when it was dead for 3 days
If RL people ask you how to join twitter, tell them they have to be sponsored by six people and submit tweets for approval. And pay. Sorted.
[in the car]
4yo: Can my window go down?
Me: It can. Would you like me to roll it down for you?
4yo: Roll?! Why did you say roll?
Me: *spends rest of car ride explaining window cranks
Whoa 😂
I made the mistake of telling my son he should think of some game ideas we could work on and now he wants to know why the project is behind schedule
My tupperware bowl just reminded me that I had spaghetti in 1999.