Who called it a volcanic eruption and not a lavalanche?
Aaaaaand…send.
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#RubbishJokes
Two horses in a field.One says: I’m so hungry I could eat a horse.
The other says: Moo!
My bear’s diarrhoea problems are starting to worry me. The vet says he’s getting better but he’s not out of the woods yet.
I remember when I used to play hard to get.. now I’m like hi i love you, ring size 4.5, my uterus is healthy, please marry me.
Got a booty text from my ex-husband so I did the logical thing and forwarded it to his new girlfriend.
Shoplifting may be wrong in a general sense, but what if, for example, I’m bored of paying for things
I hate it when pretentious people try to use big words to make themselves appear photosynthesis.
Pandas 🐼🖤
For such a picky eater, I’m certainly not a picky weight gainer.
Tyrannosaurus Clark Kent, unable to do shit because he can’t remove his glasses
College football is great bc every guy on the field is the best football player to come out his HS in years or perhaps ever but then you get a matchup where one of the guys is a future 9x Pro Bowler & the other guy is a future litigation attorney and thats when the magic happens
If a bear confronts you in the woods, make it go away by handing it a flyer for your boyfriend’s band’s show.
*runs a marathon how Mick Jagger dances*
Fortune Cookie:
You will go on a date with a beautiful woman. She could do so much better.
Saw the baby talking to the air so I’m immediately moving and leaving her behind. I’ve seen this movie before
cop: what happened?
librarian: someone stole $10,000 worth of college textbooks
coo: how’d he do that?
librarian: I think he hid them both in his jacket
why try to flirt with someone who leaves you on read when you could be enjoying some soup instead
Alanis Morissette should write a chemistry book titled Isn’t It Ionic?
I’m not a good fit for the traditional job market because my greatest strengths are challenging authority, being self-righteous, and wanting to go home
I’m told I look very good for a man twice my age.
The body is 70% water..
So cool, you’re not fat you’re just flooded..
just taught my 3yo to sing “if you’re happy and you’ve no wit, clap your hands” and then laugh at the people clapping
My attempts to purge my possessions always seem to result in me rediscovering that I have lots of nice things, after which I lie happily on my hoard like a dragon
Last night, I fell asleep with one of those new e-cigarettes in my mouth.I woke up half an hour later and my whole house was on the internet
soup is a safe food to eat in the shower it’s already wet so there’s basically no risk
I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy asking him to stop eating all the snacks I bought for school lunches dammit.
Me: I took two naps today and was just falling asleep again.
Him: I can think of something to wake you up. *wraggles eyebrows*
Me: Is it food?
I like staying home, cause soon as I step outside I spend $100
TV COMMERCIAL: are you suffering from
ME: yes
RAPUNZEL: oh no I’m out of hair
JOHNNY DEPP: *unraveling scarves* I got this