Who called it a washer repairman and a not a spin doctor?
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Wife: I’m trying to decide between tacos or pasta for dinner. What are your thoughts?
Me: They’re, like, little voices that say things in my head.
can’t wait til they legalize outside
*gets waitress’s phone number*
*texts her before meal is over*
“Napkins????”
In school I was voted moist likely to have the worst typos.
Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a tired person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.
Sorry I’m late, I was untangling my AirPods.
6yo: You’re grounded.
Me: Okay.
6yo: FOREVER!
Me: Thank you.
The local news says we can tell there’s been a power failure with their new app.
Call me old fashioned but the lack of lights tips me off.
Me: What do you call sex in December?
Wife: Don’t say it.
Me: …
W: …
Me: Wintercourse.
W: (to judge) See this is why I need a divorce.
“I ran a half marathon” sounds so much better than “I quit halfway through a marathon”.
A ghost story
Pretty sure I just heard a grown man wrestle a bear in a bathroom stall at Chipotle.
People who find your stuff, then claim it’s theirs:
1. Colonialists
2. Sisters
Ppl who are on Twitter and put intelligent in their bio, good one.
me: a man once told me these woods are haunted by a demonic entity
him: how
me: with his mouth
“Hey, watch your mouth!” I yell at the woman in this park that’s just letting her pet mouth run around all willy nilly.
Me: Says here you’re a house flipper. So you renovate and resell them, huh?
A tornado: ≋N≋o≋
Baby, tonight let’s put the kids to bed, pour some wine, turn the lights down low & argue over whose turn it is to move the Elf on the Shelf
ME: you’re acting strange what’s wrong
HER: oh I think I have a stomach bug
ME: ᵀᴱᴸᴸ ᴹᴱ ᴹᴼᴿᴱ ᴮᵁᵀ ᵂᴿᴵᵀᴱ ᴵᵀ ᴰᴼᵂᴺ ˢᴼ ᵀᴴᴱʸ ᴰᴼᴺᵀ ᴴᴱᴬᴿ
An 8 year old just asked me why people in electric cars don’t get electrocuted when it rains and now we’re checking Google
The computer beat me in chess so I’m downloading viruses
You say jump I say how high. You say run I say how fast. You say lets hang out I say no.
*gf breaks up w/ me*
me: [running on platform alongside train as she rides away]
IS IT BECAUSE I SAY EX-SQUEEZE-ME INSTEAD OF EXCUSE ME?
Commercial: You don’t want to come home from your vacation with Hep A or Hep B
Me: Hell ya I do
Turtleneck pro: if you wear one while you’re eating you can’t get crumbs in your bra.
Turtleneck con: see above.
I just put on jeans right out of the dryer and my Fitbit exploded.
Been living in Texas for over a decade and have never been invited to a shindig, orgy, hoedown, hootenanny, or anything
They say money talks, but mine barely gets a chance to introduce itself before it’s gone.
My kid has been not so subtley asking when April 1st is for the last three days and I am afraid to get out of bed
For years I struggled to recreate my grandmother’s recipes till I discovered that “tablespoon” in her recipe book didn’t actually mean tablespoon but referred to this random goddamn spoon she had in her kitchen & all the other measurements in there had similar logic