Who called it a wedding licence and not marry-time law
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My kids challenged me to a cartwheel contest.
Long story short, now my chiropractor has a new boat.
I spent a good portion of today sitting in a Snuggie watching Cops. Eventually, they told me to go home and put on pants.
“Why did you threaten to hit that scuba diver with your canoe paddle?”
“He was putting on airs”.
“Drat!” Annie felt the unwelcome creep of human emotion intrude upon her sensible agenda.
This lady thinks repeatedly pushing the already-lit elevator button will summon it faster. I think I’ll push ALL the buttons when we get in.
Pho tastes great for a food that sounds like it just gave up.
Just told my dog to say goodnight to his brother, the houseplant
There’s a kid on my nephews soccer team that thinks he’s a dinosaur so he’s just out there screeching and biting other kids on the field
I love my nephew, but I’m only here to watch VelociRyan
Word of advice, don’t get a tattoo til you’re old enough. Thought I was gonna be into this stuff forever.
Me: *telling my teen a story about a truck driving serial killer*
My teen: That would be a good job for me…being a truck driver.
Me: …
My teen: …
Me: …
My teen: NOT BECAUSE I WANT TO KILL WOMEN
doing some research
My neighbour won’t make eye contact with me ever since I mistook her for my Uber when she stopped at the mailbox in front of my house
(sitting in back seat, locking eyes with the kid in the child seat) “Huh. I didn’t know drivers could bring their kids”
How do you end an argument with a woman?
Tell her to calm down.
You’re dead now but the argument is over.
When your mom is a nurse and your sister is a nurse, road trips begin with a minimum one hour of trading disgusting medical horror stories. And then we stop for breakfast.
My brain: I will not pick this pimple
My brain: I will not pick this pimple
My brain: I will not pick this pimpleMy fingers: so we did a thing
I opened Match and Tinder on my Kindle Fire and it burst into old flames.
Seriously contemplating remarrying my ex wife, but I’m pretty sure she’ll figure out that I’m just after my money.
People think I’m kissing an imaginary girl when I play air tuba.
Bring multiple sets of clothes to work, change every hour, and act like nothing’s different.
HER: If you could have any pet—
ME: Panda.
HER: Wow. Okay, what would you name—
ME: Pandrew.
Autocorrect changed swab to swan and now my covid test is way more complicated. And dangerous.
If someone tells me “don’t be surprised if we find a body” I’m going to be many other emotions first.
The digits of your phone number tell you what you need in that order:
1. Booze
2. Drugs
3. Wealth
4. Popularity
5. Health
6. Jesus
7. We’ve been through this before
8. You know where I’m going with this?
9. Well then, let me remind you.
0. You’re.. An.. Say it with me.. Idiot..
Just texted my brother to see how his fantasy football went today but it autocorrected to “what’s your fantasy” and now it seems we are closer than ever
Once my wife accidentally put in the wrong gate code to get into my parents neighborhood. The guy who answered was extremely rude and made both her and my daughter cry. I now purposely put in his code every time I visit just to make his phone ring.
Boyfriend: you want to go see the new Star Wars?
Me: I LOVE STAR WARS
BF: which was your fav
Me: duh, Sorcerer’s Stone
Me: *opening trunk*
Tied up Guy: ope
Me: omg this isn’t my car
Tied up Guy:
Me: I’m one row over this is so embarrassing
Tied up Guy: happens to everyone
Me: *closing trunk* ugh I’m so sorry
My tombstone will probably read
“Of all the dumb things she did, this is the one that got her!?”
Don’t watch nature documentaries with me unless you want more information than the narration provides.
Almost went outside without my phone and now I know what it’s like to lose your child at the mall