Who called it a wedding licence and not marry-time law
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Me: You need to stop coming into our bed at night
7: I want to be next to you
Me: Aww that’s so swee…
7: You’re like an extra large hot water bag
Me:
Candy is dandy but Heather wears leather.
Me: how was your day?
3yo: goob
Me (to myself): have I been saying it wrong?
CDC Recommends Also Wearing Face Mask On Back Of Head In Case Coronavirus Attacks From Rear
Sure it was spent alone in a desert hut, but Obi Wan basically wore a bathrobe for 19 years and I have nothing but respect.
Always the bridesmaid, never the winner of the office costume party because I keep going as a bridesmaid
The low whispered oinking of the haunted ham awakens you at 4am, the hamming hour.
Me: So after this Imma call you my stentist.
Cardiologist: Ok so no surgery for you.
My wife and I eloped, but a month later we had a small party to celebrate with family and friends. Somewhere on the invitation we wrote, “bring an appetite,” which my wife’s Uncle Jerry misread as “bring an appetizer.” He showed up at the venue with a crockpot of enchiladas.
Just ran into Björk walking into her hjötel. Ljöking fjörward to her show at Pitchfjörk tjönight (hjöly shit my Icelandic is pjërfect).
1) Second. 2) Minute. 3) Hour. 4) Day. 5) Week. 6) Month. 7) Year. 8) Decade. 9) Century. 10) Millennium. 11) Women buying clothes.
Average person has sex 89 times a year.
These next two days are going to be wild
My kid dropped his apple slices and I asked if he wanted me to help him pick up, he said “no thank you, you can do it by yourself”
Friendly reminder that Noah brought two bedbugs on the ark and is in no way a hero
I hate it when I think that there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle …
Gonna create a dating app for dentists called Cavity Search
My parents and teachers said I could be anything I wanted but I’m 28 now and I’m still not a hot Asian girl named Bang Bang 🙁
Why are we forcing a single payer military plan on everyone? There should be a basic military that covers you, and if you want to bomb another country on top of that, you pay for it yourself. It’s about choice
I once had a coworker friend tell me how her son was arrested in another country, and she had to buy gift cards and send them by “special delivery” person who picked them up, to bail him out. I laughed out loud (couldn’t help myself) so hard, she never spoke to me again.
If you guys need me I’ll be strutting confidently through a parking lot toward a car that turns out not to be mine.
Surround yourself with people who will groom your eyebrows should you ever become comatose
When people introduce a statement with “Not gonna lie,” it fills me with confidence in their honor and commitment to veracity.
Phone
Mom: Didn’t mean to wake you earlier.
Me: It’s okay. I’m up.
Mom: I need to have a hard discussion with you. How’s your brain working? Are you feeling awake now?
Me: No, I was wrong. I’m asleep.
I maintain neutrality in any situation by remaining clueless.
Which cellphone carrier drops the most calls? I need to get one for my mom.
Me: Why am I suddenly sick?
Friend: Probably the change in the Weather
[earlier]
Weather: *uncharacteristically puts poison in my coffee*
Some people smoke cigarettes, drink, post too much on social media…I wait for a windy summer day, find a wedding in a park, show up and release thousands of sheets of paper, tripping after them down the aisle through the crowd wailing “my novel!! my novel!”
*conducting job interview* And what would you say your biggest weakness is? Other than that haircut.
Him: Hey can you help with these groceries in the trunk?
Me: No way, Charles Manson!
Him: But I just..
Me: I’VE SEEN THE NEWS
HIM: We’ve been married for 12 years
Me *hurries in our house and locks the door*
‘You have an important event coming up? OwmeeGod, count me in!’ -pimples.