Who called it a witches’ coven and not a hex trafficking ring?
You Might Also Like
[No sports whatsoever: Day 3]
*cheers loudly for the leaf that blew across the yard faster than the other leaves*
I’m sick of men’s 3-in-1 body wash shampoo and conditioner. Throw toothpaste in there.
I don’t have Covid, but when my doctor did the test, she asked, “do you want to do this the hard way or the easy way?” Who would choose the hard way?!
My 11 year old dumped his girlfriend because she was too “sassy.”
So I’m guessing my days are numbered.
Daughter steals my iPad so I left Google open on “too many kids” & “making it look accidental.” Found my iPad but haven’t seen her all day.
bought a box of 100 crickets from the pet store and released them back into the ocean were they belong
I asked a friend if he’d eat a piece of dog crap for $1K and he asked “From whose dog?” I’m having a hard time accepting that as a factor.
I’m here to make a donation.
Nun: Blessings, the orphans could use…
*Shoving my kid at her- A brother? I’d like a receipt. For my taxes.
having one friend who enables everything you do and another who calls you out for your shit is wild bc you’ll explain the exact same situation to them and one of them will go “Abby tax fraud is bad” while the other goes “👏🏽you👏🏽don’t👏🏽owe👏🏽anyone👏🏽anything👏🏽not👏🏽even👏🏽the 👏🏽IRS”
I know I’m not great at math, but I just can’t figure out how to 28 packs of fruit snacks are gone in 2.5 days when the kids say they “barely ate any.”
#SailorMoon ain’t got nothing on…
Just saw a rainbow………great now the sky is gay
all that yoga finally paid off
everyone hates on Gollum but he had the right idea: become a hermit, collect jewels, swim naked in lakes and pools, occasionally hiss at people who try to make you go places
All of these people are screaming like they’ve never seen someone revving a chainsaw on a public beach.
When your lack of sheepdog experience is cruelly exposed on your first day.
sure I’ll interpret that dream for you, it’s about hydration, they’re all about hydration. why else would you be driving a bus full of chickens.
completely misunderstood pride month. who wants to buy 15 lions
CITY PLANNER: what should we call the paved path next to the street
CRAB: i have an idea
Me: Ok I’ll be back in 3 hours.
Boss: No, do it in your own time please.
Me: Ok I’ll be back in 12 Flinglongs.
[date]
Me: *ok don’t let her know I’m a bull*
Her: “so what are some red flags for you?”
Me: *sweating* “haha red flags? Where?”
Why do they put stools in bars? They’re like the tipsiest type of sitting utensil
BECAUSE YOU SHARED THAT VIDEO EVERY SINGLE PERSON HAS ABANDONED THEIR CAR AND RUN INTO THE FLAMES TO SAVE A RABBIT. THE RABBIT POPULATION IS NOW SPREADING FASTER THAN THE FIRE. THEY ARE 0% CONTAINED. I CAN HEAR THEIR LITTLE FEET COMING THIS WAY. OH NO MY WINDOWS ARE OPE
[first date]
HER: I like classic cars
ME: ugh do not get me started on the sequels
[mom ridiculing me in front of new GF]
“Luke was afraid to go into family changing rooms until 22 because he thought he’d get a new family”
[making yellowjackets]
Angel: These things don’t really do anything other than sting people
God: We’re running out of college mascots
I have no idea what “I’m just waiting for the code to compile.” means but if you say it to your boss he’ll let you get back to your video game.
Still waiting for the day I can illegally download groceries
I know I hate you but if you died suddenly … I mean I’d still hate you but I’d be a little more cheery.