Who called it a wolf in sheep’s clothing and not a woolf?
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If I ever become a super hero, my origin story will involve a sourdough starter mishap.
October already? What’s next? November????
Friend nagged me for TDKR OST. Renamed Backstreet Boys song and mailed them to him. Fun.
In lieu of exercise, accidentally send your text to the wrong person to get your heart rate up
I hope someone asks me what’s in my pocket because it’s the bra I just took off and a cheeseburger.
British people be like “gotta bring the car to the mechanic for a chune-up”
Toasters are just Jack in the Boxes for adults.
*crawls into windowless creeper van*
One kidnapping, please.
9 was yelling and throwing pencils & books around bc he couldn’t do his maths homework so I sat down with him to help and now 9 and I are both yelling and throwing pencils & books around bc we can’t do his maths homework
Burger King is preparing to introduce a new turkey burger. Pigeons are beginning to disappear.
BILLION DOLLAR IDEA
A giant cinnamon roll that you sleep in, that becomes warm and edible when it’s time to wake up
“I will not have my voice silenced! This is censorship! This is against the constitution!”
“But sir. This is a library.”
Ate a bowl of Captain Crunch Berries this morning. With blatant disregard for the roof of my mouth.
-thug life
“I smell carrots. Do you smell carrots? ’cause I smell carrots…”
~ Snowmen.
[arriving in hell]
him: so what did you do?
me: *wearing a v neck t-shirt under a v neck pullover* no idea
[First date]
Sarah: I’m a twin.Me: Do you know what each other are thinking?
*meanwhile across town*
Sue: Sarah’s date isn’t going well.
*turns up my TV to drown out the couple fighting next door
*hears the word “sex”
*turns down my TV
meeting beyonce and telling her i loved her in goldmember and mentioning nothing about her music career just to see if it throws her off
Potty training the baby is backfiring. Now she waits by the door when I use the bathroom and as soon as she hears the toilet flush, she yells, “Good girl!!”
What idiot decided to call them meteorologists and not Storm Troopers
I’ll huff and I’ll puff and I’ll get light headed then have to lay down.
I wish catalog models could do one pose with bad posture, looking awkward and self-conscious, so I’d know how the outfit would look on me
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: Because I didn’t floss?
DENTIST: *rips off cop mask* I gotcha now, you son of a-
[Whole Foods]
ME: Where are all the donuts?
CASHIER: We uh…we don’t sell donuts
ME: Well what other hole foods are there?!
I’m just a short girl, sitting in a car, being strangled by my seat belt.
[standing in bushes with binoculars watching neighbor who is also in bushes watching me though binoculars]
Just made an appointment with a cardiologist. Don’t be alarmed, I’m sure all my cardigans are fine. I just wanna make sure they fit.
the audacity of someone being in the store aisle i want to go down.
Scientist: The eclipse will be just like this…
People: Wow, you were right.
Scientist: Now about climate change
People: Shut up egghead
[Date]
Karen: “You okay?”
Ian: “I’m undressing you in my mind”
K: “Okay… you look confused!”
I: “I’ve never seen a bra strap like this”