Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

CW: Just quit, Bob, your inventions are useless

Bob [sulks into his office]: Maybe he’s right

*flicks light switch*
*parachute comes out*

If you want to go on a wild adventure then just let your kid make up the rules for a board game

The mask helps cover up a bad mood, but my middle finger gives me away.

I think we should let the Just Stop Oil girl out of prison to attend her brother’s wedding, but then stage a protest and block the roads.

The next James Bond should be weird. Like he wears a train conductor’s hat and he’s afraid of balloons

Me: why is there a graham cracker in my makeup bag?

4: oh, it’s probably mine.

Me: probably?

I made a barista at Starbucks cry when I put my name down as “Dad” and he just stood there calling it over and over

One day when the kids ask about life before the crab war you’ll laugh nervously and continue walking sideways to crab church.

What wine pairs best with concession stand popcorn? Asking for the thermos I’m taking to this high school football game.

First base: drinks

Second base: hooking up

Third base: consistently hanging out for over 3 months and refusing to call it a relationship because both of you are terrified of commitment and communication

[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]

Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Talked to someone today about remaining human when society crumbles. Was told to “please pull up to the window.”

Famous people could rob banks wearing masks of themselves and they’d never get caught.

Even Forrest Gump got laid.

This is bullshit.

I hope no one murders you..but if they do, I hope it’s quick and interesting enough to get you on Dateline.

wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about getting a goat?
me [stops feeding the goat] You would have said no

Starting a small business is too hard. I’m just going to start a big business then wait for some of it to fail

Vandalism should be allowed on any vehicle who’s alarm has been going off for more than 5 minutes.

Hey girl, are you pineapple on pizza because a lot of people say you are disgusting but I kind of like you?

REJECTED MARVEL CHARACTERS:

Thorothy

Captain Caillou

Aunt Man

Backfat

Iron Jan

Thanus

i was going to warn my kids about the repercussions of drugs and alcohol until i realized that they in fact were the repercussions of drugs and alcohol

All liquor stores are open 24 hours. When you have a brick.

“Dad, lil bro pooped on the floor!”
Me: Ok, just like we practiced. I’ll hide in garage, you go tell Mommy. This convo never happened! GO!

A near death experience but it’s just me waiting for my 7yo to pick out a souvenir

Imagine getting married and you write your own vows and it’s beautiful and everyone is sobbing and after the wedding your husband hands you the vows he wrote down in a sweet glass case to keep forever and you read them and the first line reads “your my soulmate”

I saw The Blair Witch Project way too young and it made me afraid of projects

A: How much to buy a singing ensemble?

B: You mean a choir?

A: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?

If you can say “I made six figures last year,” you either have a well paying job or you’re the worst employee at a toy factory.

“Hi, my daughter will be late to school because she can zip up her jacket by herself.”