Who called it a yes man and not an indulge gent
You Might Also Like
At bedtime I ceremonially move the claw clip from my hair to the bag of chips, signifying the end of the day.
Her: Undress me with your words…
Me: I saw a spider in your bra.
I bet the kids who TP’d my yard last night and didn’t know that toilet paper was on my grocery list, feel pretty stupid right about now
cop: *knocks on my car window*
me: sorry is the music too loud
cop: yes
me: *sets down bagpipes*
so you’re telling me a boot cut these jeans
wife: I wish you’d stop bringing your work home with you
Dr Frankenstein: he has a name
wife: DOES HE
I pack underwear as if I plan to shit myself for 40 days and nights
Her: I love a tough guy
Me: I’ve got some scars
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up shirt and points to bellybutton] This is from when I was born
I like how the dude in the next self-checkout lane is trying to disarm me with small talk like we don’t both know this is a goddamn race
I just smoked so much pot that I tried to order one of the dishes of food off the scrolling instagram menu.
If its a ghost ship why does it have to be on water
The most unbelievable part of the Bible is a 32-year-old man with twelve close friends.
I just spent 20 minutes at the store choosing the best food with only organic ingredients for my dog, then took my kids to Burger King.
Friend looking at my legs: did you get a spray tan?
Me: oh, no. I just wiped my greasy hands off on my legs after eating a whole bag of chips.
STOP talking shit about F•R•I•E•N•D•S
Rachel is KIND
Monica is NURTURING
Joey is CONSIDERATE
Phoebe is TALENTED
Ross
Chandler is FUNNY
2015: I can’t believe people think the dress is blue and black
2016: I hope the human race doesn’t destroy itself forever in violent chaos
And the cat’s in the cradle so the baby must be at the pet groomer’s, this is a terrible mix-up.
I never finish anything. I have a black belt in partial arts.
These doctor forms keep asking how often I fall down…
…it’s like they’ve been tailing me.
Welcome to hipster fights. You can ironically hang your scarves over there. There’s PBR and tacos in the food truck. Don’t enjoy yourself.
ESPN just did a Top 5 Greatest Comebacks of All Time and there was some guy running with a ball but like literally no mention of Jesus
No one cares about your plans for the weekend more than the person cutting your hair
Why is America trying to bomb the lady who lives in my iPhone she seems nice
lot of the younger folks won’t know this but if you yanked hard enough on a land line telephone you could pull the phone out of the person’s hand that you were talking to
My neighbor was complaining about my cat pooping in her flower bed but I didn’t have the heart to tell her it’s actually my kids.
My personal favorite unit of measurement is whether or not something is considered “a big whoop”
the year is 2042. a man is fired for doing “the robot” in a mixed crowd of humans and androids at the company xmas party.
MILLION DOLLAR IDEA: An alarm clock that sounds like a dog’s pre-puke warning grunts.
Her: Do me on that counter
*Later in therapy*
Her: He tried to have sex with me on an abacus.