Who called it a yes man and not an indulge gent
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Him: Who’s The Man?!?
Me: Usually, not the guy who says ‘Who’s the man’….
*orders a medium pizza*
*opens box*
PIZZA: I’ve contacted your late grandmother. She wants you to know-
*eats pizza*
Left my phone in my 1yo’s room during his bedtime and snuck back in to get it. Then, left my phone in my 3yo’s room during her bedtime and snuck back in to get it. I am both winning parenting and losing my mind
I was wondering what was poking my stomach and it was a potato chip I had with my lunch that fell down my shirt. Damn we even took a nap together.
I just ate $35 worth of Taco Bell before entering this escape room. We’re getting out one way or another.
A conspiracy board but for when we are trying to figure out what we want for dinner.
A guy I know was flirting with the cashier, and she ignored him. When he said “How about a thank you?” She leaned toward him, and said “It’s printed on your receipt.”
[hunting]
DAD: dont scare him
ME: did u know we dump 16 tons of sewage into our waters every minute
DEER: holy shit
DAD: what did i just say
Best table by far
Women have to be pissed knowing female kangaroos have an ingrown, biological fanny pack when they can’t even get pockets in their pants.
People on diet aren’t mad at you. They’re mad at their lunch
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: yes that’s when i didn’t have a job
hand-to-hand combat, but its just two mimes trying to establish dominance by pushing on opposite sides of the same imaginary box’s wall
[Walks up to stranger]
Me: “Excuse me, would you take my picture?”
Him: “Sure.”
Me: “Great!”
[I hand him a beautiful 5×7 portrait of me]
blessings are like coconuts
sometimes you get bonked on the head outta no where, like “what to heck is this furry bonk ball?! I hate it!”
but eventually you learn you can put a tiny umbrella, some rum and a krazy straw in there. now furry bonk ball is friend
Waiter: and would you like mayonnaise on that?
Wife: Ew, gross.
Me: Why are you making your sex noises at him?
take the quarantine challenge!
come out the other side with the same number of children you had going in: don’t make any new ones,
don’t lose any on purpose in the woods
Think you’re smart? Try explaining daylight savings time to a kid.
Starting a new job today.
I’m not sure what company, but it’s wherever this lady with the giant box of donuts is going.
Cheer up everybody, only 8 more days until the weekend.
*chugging, distorted guitars, aggressive precision drumming*
Me: *wearing a bloody pig face and growling like a demon* One cannot step twice in the same river. I think therefore I am. Entities should not be multiplied unnecessarily.
Depth Metal
If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that if I see a cute animal I should force my cat to fight it until it’s weak enough to enslave.
Doc I keep throwing up
Did u eat anything odd lately
No
What about that bottle youre holding labelled “lizard juice”
You said eat, idiot
I should have been a cat, bc all I do is sleep and the rest of the time I’m just weird.
My workout was getting me down so i filled my Swiss ball with helium
Based on my family’s hatred for vegetables and always throwing them in the garbage, I hope I’m never in a coma.
Me: (after eating 12 fudgesicles)
Ok. Time to get to work.You: You can actually buy popsicle sticks at any craft store.
Me: Don’t question my art.
Boxing is like a dance, a dance where you punch your dance partner until he doesn’t want to dance anymore.
Me, seductively: I can tie the stem in a knot using my tongue 😉
Pumpkin patch owner: Get out