Who called it a yes man and not an indulge gent
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Just weighed myself. I’d strongly advise against y’all doing that.
a massage is not enough I need to be rolled through a pasta machine
My 13 y/o daughter is a little disappointed that her friends backed out of wearing an inflatable shark costume for Halloween and are going as Bluey characters instead but she’s sticking with the shark.
13: They just don’t take Halloween as seriously as me.
Me: sometimes when a door closes there’s a window that opens
Car Repair Man: yeah I’ll definitely take a look at that
[God Creating Raccoons]
God: make a panda but a trash panda, then give it a mask so that people would know it will kill them for their food
My kid found my ice cream stash and now I have to eat it all tonight so I don’t have to share it tomorrow – parenting is tough and not for everyone
I still close the bathroom door when I’m home alone bc I don’t want the murderer to break in and see me on the toilet.
Nine months from now — when there’s a baby boom in Hawaii — you’ll know who took the incoming missile warning seriously.
Why don’t the enemies of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles just flip them on their backs?
Went to a Halloween party at the zoo, the animals were dressed as sexy people.
At my funeral will you make sure the pallbearers say things like
“Wow, She’s so light.” and “Is she even in here?”
St. Peter: “Spock?”
Leonard Nimoy: “I’m Leonard. Spock was just a character I played on TV.”
St. Peter: “HEY EVERYBODY! IT’S SPOCK!”
If you don’t agree with someone’s religious beliefs, just dance really hard in front of them like they did in Footloose and they’ll absolutely change their minds
I have a question and my question is, how can I look so cute in the mirror but like such a baked potato in pictures?
Idea for dieting: Fridges with mirrors.
Dishonest mechanic?
Lois Lane was fired from the Daily Planet after she knocked Clark Kent’s glasses off and then panicked thinking a plane was in the building.
The invisible woman had sex with the wolfman and now they’re expecting a where-wolf.
Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.
drummer: “just add er on the end of your instrument”
guy who plays trumpet: “so im a trumpeter, ok cool”
guy who plays trombone: “oh no”
[Annual Review]
Boss: how do you think you performed this year?
Me: *an accountant* I think I “excelled” at my job.
Boss: you’re fired.
Me: This is such an accrual profession.
[field sobriety test]
cop: stand with one foot off the ground and count 1001, 1002, and so on until I say stop
flamingo: oh hell yeah
ME: I fell off a 50 ft tall ladder once
GIRL: holy cow how did you survive
ME: I fell off the bottom rung
No YOUR addicted to correcting people’s grandma on the Twitter
“Barista” is Italian for BA in liberal arts.
Him: I’m a vegetarian
Me, holding a fork and licking my lips: I’m a humanitarian
The alphabet starts off kinda slow, but once you get past K, hot damn does it get good
[first day as a snake charmer]
me: ayy wussup king damn what that tongue do long boi lmao u got room in that wicker basket for two or what
cobra: *striking me several times about the face, neck, and chest*
I eat too much candy. I know this because my dentist plans his annual trip to Hawaii after my appointments.
I hate when I’m in a restaurant bathroom, and I run out of toilet paper. Like my dinner guests are gonna be scared of HALF a mummy costume