Who called it Alcatraz and not Jailhouse Rock
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FRIEND: hey while I’m on vacation can you come over and feed the cat?
ME:
FRIEND:
ME: to what?
I’m about to risk it all
Thank you, true crime show, for saying that was a reenactment. I was pretty upset your camera person didn’t stop that murder.
When I was growing up I always loved making sandcastles with my grandmother, at least until mom started hiding the urn.
[explaining the plot of my favorite book to my date]
me: so you know how most caterpillars are only a little hungry?
guy who came to check out what’s making noises in my attic told me it’s “one of the creepiest attics [he’s] ever seen.” not something you want to hear from a person whose job involves seeing a lot of attics
lmao
a lot of people think Rob is short for Robert, but it’s actually short for ‘Burglary’
‘That one hates me – I’ll lay on him.’
~cats
This is my emotional support chloroform rag
me at the door waiting for my grubhub chicky wings
I call my mother twice a week. Or as she refers to it, “Never.”
“MAKE GOOD CHOICES!!”, I screamed from inside the cop car
[speed dating]
Me: Have you ever choked someone?
“No I would never do something like that”
Me: Next
My office has started random urine testing of employees to detect traces of hope or optimism.
Welcome to anxiety club, I really hope more people show up. Maybe there was a terrible accident and everyone that was coming is now dead
I just made coffee without coffee in it… I made water.
How’s your day going?
What if all the cashiers are married?
Disney couldn’t handle my awesome script.
Kylo Ren was Rey’s father.
Finn was her brother.
Chewbacca was her cousin twice removed.
If you want your dog to take a pill:
1. Get a piece of cheese
2. Eat the cheese for energy
3. Get ready to wrestle your dog
Did you know cats often bite as a sign of affection and not because they want to murder you
Cats: no it’s murder
If you have trouble sleeping, you’re destined to marry someone who falls asleep in 10 seconds and will hate them for it.
Guy in the dressing room next to mine: “I don’t want to get blood on these pants.” I want to reply, “Then stay out of my way on the catwalk”
After I use the restroom, I thoughtfully put the seat back down and also close the lid and place a heavy object on top to contain any intruding snakes.
Questions about some hypothetical situations.
– Are there any special laws against people who forget to feed their guinea pig?
– Do guinea pigs have vengeful ghosts?
I feel so good when I drink enough water. Not like, physically. I just feel like I’m better than everyone else
My husband’s coming home from a trip, so I’m artfully placing dishes in the sink to look like I didn’t eat toast on a paper towel for 5 days.
I find it hilarious that this ant is pretending like he doesn’t care that I can kill him with one finger. Yea okay, keep walking tough guy.
sometimes i sneeze so loud and hard i think i’m a dad
“I have a PhD, I’m a professor, and yet I could be making more just teaching elementary school! It’s not fair!”
my brother in christ have you ever been the only adult in a room of 28 first-graders