Who called it Alcatraz and not Jailhouse Rock
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“your password is too weak” just wait until you see my impulse control
BRAIN: here comes a compliment guys
HEART: yay!
ANXIETY: idk about this
INSECURITY: [bats it away] close one
If my wife doesn’t win anything on this $2 scratch ticket, it’s going to go down as one of the worst birthday presents ever.
Its like grandma said,
You’re not crazy when you sleep
We’re having lobsters for dinner .
Update – we have pet lobsters now
As long as Apple doesn’t announce Ben Affleck as the new iPhone I think everything is going to be OK.
Me to my worm gf: cmon babe we’re going fishing
I haven’t asked any of my coworkers what they’re doing for Thanksgiving bc I treat people the way I want to be treated.
Refrigerators are actually sentient beings, but we keep putting magnets on them, and erasing their memories.
INTERVIEWER: And why under skills did you put “has dominion over bees”?
ME: [covered in bee stings] You can cross that one off
Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?
ME: It’s a zoo where we only have two of each animal. I’m calling it Noah’s Park.
BANK MANAGER: Get out!
*bangs toe*
*never calls toe again*
imagine you’re in a heated argument with a Wiccan and they start lighting candles.
A wireless bra? They weren’t tricky enough, now I need a password?
“Your beard really brings out your jawline” isn’t an appropriate compliment to put in her Valentine’s Day card, apparently!
person: calm down
me: *calm immediately goes up*
If you call pooping ‘taking a dumpling’ it’s too cute for people to care where you did it
“Axe” is not going to help you get girls, unless you spray it in their eyes then quickly chloroform them.
-So YOU’RE the mother of this girl called..(checks notes) ..Riding Hood?
-Yes! Something happened to my beloved ch..
– Are you kidding me? You’re under arrest
“we have guests, go get me the fancy snail teapot”
Me, running into a mom friend at Trader Joe’s: oh your hair looks fabulous! Have you done anything different?
Her: Oh thanks! That’s the lice treatment
What the world needs now is
a. love
b. sweet love
c. a category in IMDB that gives you a visual height comparison by actor for a given cast in a show
The Most Popular Apps:
*Door Bash, the delivery app for face punches
*NapChat, the messenger app for sleepy time
*Robe Locks, the bathrobe security app
*Air B&E, the apartment sharing app for burglars
*Andy Crush, the app that tells Andrew Garfield if you think he’s cute
Revenge is a dish best served cold. Unless revenge is a meatloaf. That you should heat in the oven for forty-five minutes at 350 degrees.
[getting out of prison after 10 years]
GUARD: *handing me a paper bag* here are ur things
ME: did none of u monsters feed my tamagotchi
[space shuttle]
Captain: prepare for landing
Me: roger that
C: reverse thrusters
M: sretsurht lol
C: lol
*we smash full speed into the moon*
[getting kidnapped] grab my heating pad too pls
4: Let’s play.
Me: Ok.
4: You can be the mommy.
Me: Sure.
4: You’ll have to figure out what all the kids eat.
Me: Nope, I’m out.
Big shoutout to whoever named Bagpipes. Fuckin’ nailed it, my dude.