Who called it America and not the fast food and the furious?
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No one takes their job more seriously than the guy that glues down the start of the toilet paper roll.
My wrist is sore from holding onto a bowl of ice cream for too long but sure, I’ll help you move.
This line from Airplane.
*puts powdered sugar around my nostrils and walks into blind date set up by my mom*
Me*taps wife’s shoulder*Whatcha doin?
wife:Meditating
me*still tapping*Why?
wife: It helps me relax
me*still tapping* Is it working?
wife:No
I like to have gps trackers on my kids just to make sure they’re not home.
Doctor: your body has run out of magnesium
Me: 0mg
[on deathbed]
“Tell my Wif… *cough*”
Yes? Tell her what?
“Tell my Wifi provider their broadband speeds were moderate at best”
[dies]
Me: Hey, do you wanna play Nintendo?
Dad: Actually that’s a Super Nintendo, it’s the newer version improved in practically every way.
Me Got it.
Dad: Where’s mom?
Me: Visiting Super Dad.
Grandma: do you have to take a little poopy hon?
3yo: no grandma I have to take a big shit.
My 10-year-old is cleaning the kitchen. One roll of paper towels later I have the world’s cleanest kitchen stool.
Someone once asked me to imagine not having eyelids and I’m just like no
What is your favorite movie about juice from a beetle?
Today I’m going to give it my almost
Normal Person: *has a bad dream, says “that was weird haha” and goes on with day*
Me: *has a bad dream, thinks of ways to make it into an unusual, horrifying plot for a novel, then get writer’s block, can’t finish it, and say “that was weird haha” and go on with my day*
Me: I wonder why my lower back hurts
My period: yeah what a mystery
“I don’t think we should see each other anymore.”
*turns off lights*
*giggles*
ME: I wonder why you have to disclose if someone died in a house you’re selling, but not a car
COUPLE NO LONGER BUYING MY CAR: we can walk from here, I think
All I did was tell my boss that, according to legend, I double in size when there’s a full moon… and I was sacked for growth myth conduct.
a one man band getting kicked out of a zumba class
It’s only a tidal wave when it’s headed toward you, if it’s headed away that’s a toodle wave.
I never understood why that family in Poltergeist stayed in the house after all the crazy shit they went through. But then again, here we all are, for some reason still on Twitter.
you’re not fooling anyone
I only treason on days ending in y
Mechanic *looks up* Wow, you have a lot of problems, so much is wrong
Me: I know!
Mechanic: Your car’s fine though
Me: ok cool
About to watch Tenet for the first time and I enjoyed it
She was rare…
… like pants ordered online during lockdown, that actually fit.
My kid doesn’t hear me when I ask her to clean her room but when I curse under my breath from three rooms away with a closed door she yells, “Mom said a bad word!!!”
{during sex}
Her: are you eating a taco?
Me: *wiping taco shell crumbs off her back* what?
Spring chickens aren’t as comfy as memory foam chickens.