Who called it America and not the fast food and the furious?
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I’m the picture of health, but not a very flattering picture. I’m the passport photo of health.
Public restrooms are weird. The guy in the stall next to me has four feet and is wearing heels on one pair.
Million Dollar Idea ~ A bathroom mirror that takes pictures.
*Runs a bath
Me: ok, jump in
3: it’s too hot
*Adds cold water
Me: Ok, get in
3: it’s too cold
Apparently I gave birth to Goldilocks.
Currently blackmailing the IT guy to extend the wifi coverage for my new hiding place at work.
I love people who order coffee like they’re giving the pass code to a missile defense system.
My kid wants to cuddle with her piggy bank at night. I think I’m raising Mr. Krabs
*frowns in Scottish*
[first day working in a restaurant]
me: *writes ‘tip jar’ on a glass*
cat: *reads sign*
me: oh no
Whenever I read that a suspect is cooperating with investigators I picture them being helpful in the interrogation room. Tidying up. Providing light conversation.
My kids: ROAD TRIP!
My kids, ten minutes later:
I’ve never watched paint dry but I did watch Windows update for 5 years.
just read an article that said stray dogs will “elect” the cute dogs in the group to approach ppl cause they come back with more food. u little shits think u can manipulate me well u absolutely can here have my entire lunch
Of course my days are numbered..
That’s how calendars work.
Katy Perry is such an inspiration to all those young girls out there who want to grow up and ride giant golden tigers.
My brain: “Let’s do something adventurous today!”
My body: “Yeah, good luck with that.”
Thankful that Five-Fingered Shoes company doesn’t make pants.
Today, my wife said “Okily Dokily.” I know I said til death do us part, but that was before I realized I married Ned Flanders.
I finally found a reason to live again.
My girlfriend and I met through a dating agency for dolphin impersonators. The minute we met we just clicked
I was actually unaware there is a global crisis occurring, I’ve been in quarantine the last two weeks because of an unfortunate haircut
Me (seductively looking at a potato): would mash.
[show about dog training]
Narrator: a yellow ribbon on her leash indicates she is not to be socialized with
Me: where can i get one of those
Walk of shame
Except it’s me leaving the work bathroom just as the cleaners show up
I just typed “cupkale” instead of “cupcake” and accidentally invented what has to be the worst dessert idea ever.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i always wear cargo shorts
professor x: that’s stup- *coughcough* sry my throats dry
me: oh here have a gatorade
professor x: thanks man
Me: What’s for dinner?
Shawn: Prawns
Shaun: Prauns
Sean: Preans
You know your cooking sucks when you toss your leftovers down the garbage disposal and it throws them up again.
I walk my dog at night with a knife in my pocket just in case the person robbing me doesn’t have his own weapon to stab me with.
Me: *rubs broom back & forth in front of kid gliding in heelys
Friend: pls stop curling children