Who called it America and not the fast food and the furious?
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2yr old has discovered how to undress himself, and now I live with a nudist
This wording makes this visa sound a lot more exciting than it is
[wedding day of the girl that got away]
any reason why these two shouldn’t be married, speak now or forev[sound of a dirt bike approaching]
*adds Doritos to wedding registry*
Every time I watch Bambi I hope it will turn out differently, but I always end up drunk and covered in cool ranch doritos
I don’t go back to my hometown very often because I’ve burned too many bridges. And also because I am wanted for bridge arson.
*Sweeping the floor
Lower back: “Time to go out!”
Brain: “Wait, why? We’re not doing anything the least bit strenuous!”
Lower Back: “Dunno, we just gotta”
*cries hunchbackedly
If Barb wears leopard print to another funeral, I’m buying a dart gun.
Signature Move
The best writer’s defense is a good writer’s offense
Live, laugh, love, dress up like a clown and wander around the woods at night
“I want this one, but look at this one, oh, but this one is my FAVORITE!”-
-my kids looking through Christmas catalogs or me driving past multi-million dollar houses
I wish I was as committed to anything the way infomercial actors are committed to over dramatizing their reaction to household chores.
My kids dressed in various parts of different Halloween costumes.
Husband: What are they?
Me: Happy, so I’m not asking any questions
*1st day in hell*
Devil: So you just sit in this room and people give you gifts
Me: Oh nice
Devil: And you have to react to each one
Me: NO
guys i’ve cracked the code
“Oh you have a hot tub? You never mentioned it” said no one ever.
I tried to help by doing my daughter’s hair once and a kind old lady offered her a hot meal and a warm place to sleep.
Take me down to the paradise city where the grass is green and hey why did you bring all these goats they’re eating this luscious grass.
Parents who say “I’m not going to say it again” always say it again.
We think whale songs are beautiful, but that’s just how they communicate. Imagine giving someone directions to the gas station and some white woman records and cries to it.
I just read that if you eat a slice of bread first thing in the morning and one last thing at night, everything you eat in between makes it a sandwich
NOBODY MOVE I LOST AN HOUR
I had an irrational fear of bees until I saw My Girl and it became rational.
Me food shopping alone: $250.00
Food shopping w/the husband: $99.75
Food shopping with the kids: $699.00
I got Chinese takeout for the family and used tweezers to see which cookie had the best fortune so I could take it. Because sometimes fate needs to be steered.
Wait, you didn’t let me finish. What I was trying to say is Hitler was largely misunderstood by people who don’t speak German.
6: Is google a number? My friend told me it was
Me: No buddy, it’s not, your friend doesn’t know anything
Husband: Actually, googol IS a number so who’s the one who doesn’t know any-
Me:
H: Your mom is very smart
According to my DNA results, I’m 99% high af.
Allow me to explain how to sew on a button:
A thread.
GHOSTBUSTER: so wait, you called us because your neighbor painted his fence purple?
ME: it’s strange, weird, and it doesn’t look good—your lyrics couldn’t be more clear about this