Who called it America and not the fast food and the furious?
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What’s a more polite term to call a druggie?
His Highness
If the cat climbs into a house guest’s lap, I like to freeze and whisper, “Are you feeling okay? She only does that with those who are dying.”
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*Nurse 1: I’m exhausted.
Nurse 2: I hate Labor Day.
if we know your religion, stance on gun control & how many kids you have just by looking at your car, you have way too many bumper stickers
Accidentally wore a red shirt and a khaki pants to Target yesterday &, long story short, I think I have been promoted to assistant manager.
A meal so good, you want to position it on a couch and use it as the subject of a charcoal drawing that’ll survive one of the great maritime tragedies in history, only to be recovered 84 years later in a safe full of brine and grime and beautifully restored via mini power washer.
Sure I wish I had focused more on my finances, but back then who knew money would catch on.
Reasons I wish I was an octopus:
1. I could hold every slice of a pizza.
2. 8 votes at the PTA meeting.
3. Stop sign hugs.
who sleeps with a chair next to their bed that’s like asking for a dead family member to wake you up at 3am asking what you’re doing with your life
[trying on a camouflage jacket]
Me: how much is this
Store Clerk: how much is what
These weekends are starting to feel as long as a lunch break.
It’s time to play “Is My Kid Hugging Me or Cleaning His Nose or Both?”
There’s a deaf couple fighting in the car in front of me in this parking lot & I kinda want to stay & watch because their signs are getting bigger & more yelly
Leonardo DiCaprisun
Rigged my kids’ Magic 8 Ball to say these choices:
-No
-No way
-Still no
-Yes! JK absolutely not
-Go ask your father
Boss confused me with another employee and fired me. Then called two days later to fire me for not showing up for 2 days. #HowIGotFired
*a movie that’s 100% studio logo animations but the audience doesn’t even notice until 30 minutes in*
My 9yo wanted to be a doctor but now he wants to be an Australian breakdancer. Thanks, Olympics.
If you see me in court you’d think I was furiously taking notes, but 9 times out of 10, I’m usually drawing a t-rex eating a witness.
[I open my lunchbox to find a copy of the Magna Carta]
But that means…
[cut to British Library patrons thoughtfully examining a Capri Sun]
If I see under 30s getting married, I want to kiss them for their optimism and punch them for their stupidity.
He says I’m cute when I’m mad. Well he has no idea of how gorgeous I can be.
Let’s find out what pisses the crickets off and do THAT during the day
Blood’s thicker than water, so remember to pull back on the flour a bit when you substitute it into your baking.
All I’m saying is the second guy to bungee jump was honest about his weight.
If your trust issues began with a sugar cookies tin full of sewing supplies you’re my people.
*walks into high school reunion with six-foot tall sack of flour*
I took the assignment seriously. Anyway, this is Max… my son.
About to watch Tenet for the first time and I enjoyed it
I really don’t believe all of these women on here are actually named “Sassy”
“Are you going to be part of the problem or part of the solu— ”
Me: Oh problem, definitely
“That wasn’t… it was a rhetorica— ”
Me: I have some ideas on how to make the problem even funnier than it is
(credit Morgz, account missing)