who called it an advertising campaign and not an adventure
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Please define the logic when someone says you’re too much?
Too much what?
My niece asked me what it’s like to be an uncle, so we got a feral cat from a shelter, chased it around for a bit, then took it back.
INTERVIEWER: what do you consider your greatest strength
ME: …
INTERVIEWER: …
ME (38 minutes later): I’d say promptness
A date sounds nice but you’ll need to bring a friend for my parole officer.
NO, I will not come get candy from your van, Im not craz..
Oh cookies? Hmm.
Double stuff?! You don’t say!
The white one w/ no windows? Sure!
Fun fact: The worst time to suffer a heart attack is while playing charades.
I’m keeping my wedding small. Probably won’t have a bride.
date: so wat do u wana do next
me: why dont we slip into somthing more…convertible
[climbs into ferrari]
date: omg wow is this ur car
me: no
Me: *Being strip searched*
Cop: The dancing really is not necessary
[My son watching a film set in Victorian England]: It’s like they are speaking cursive.
I surveyed 100 women and asked them what shampoo they used when showering, 98 of them said, “How the hell did you get in here?”
Poker is a game of pretending you’ve got something better than you really do. Poker sounds a lot like my marriage.
Your girlfriend isn’t hallucinating man, she’s actually seeing other people.
If you hold a baby up to a light and don’t see the security strip it’s a fake baby
Mercury is in retrograde for 20 more days. Don’t sign any contracts. Have sex with whoever you want to.
[skydiving]
cute instructor: open your chute!
me: lol make me
Penguins are always dressed in formalwear because they often need to go to court to answer for their terrible crimes
read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of
[A giraffe walks into a scarf shop]
*The managers eyes turn into dollar signs*
boss: i’m always so impressed by you.
me: awww, wow thanks. why?
boss: bc you show up & do your work.
me: well, that’s a low bar.. but thank you.
[screaming over sirens] I SAID ACTUALLY YOU’RE NOT “FIGHTING” THE FIRE YOU’RE WATERING IT
My family tasked me with prepping the canned cranberry sauce and I don’t eat berries from a can so I had no idea how it was supposed to be. It looked like jello so I smashed it all up and apparently I was supposed to slice it. My grandma is crying
If you’re trying to woo me without food… let me stop you right there.
3: Please move
Me: You said that very nicely, but the dog doesn’t speak English
3: Woof Woof
me: hi i’m on the list
security: there is no list this is kohl’s
me: *slipping him 20 dollars in kohl’s cash* to the VIP section my good man
I need a hobby so I think I’m
gonna start calling the phone numbers on missing cat posters and just “meow” at whoever answers
The FBI’s terrorist hotline is not a place to chat with hot terrorists. I know that now.
diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
Dr Raygun has achieved a feat absolutely unheard of in academia – people are reading her thesis