who called it an advertising campaign and not an adventure
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Dude 1: “Hey bro?”
Dude 2: “Yeah bro?”
Dude 1: “Can you hand me that pamphlet?”
Dude 2: “Brochure”
I was never a big believer in destiny until the only parking available at my gym was in the adjacent Burger King.
People who genetically engineer food, why don’t you make celery that tastes like Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups? I bet that would shut people up
My 10-year-old gets to bring 1 stuffed animal to school. So far she’s narrowed it down to 947 candidates.
Last day of lockdown: I’m going to miss sitting around doing nothing
First day back in work: *sitting around doing nothing
Me when the elevator tries to leave without me
Look on the bright side, your insomnia keeps most of the spiders out of your mouth.
I hate when people tell plus size girls they can’t “pull something off” like honey I’m trying to buy white jeans not steal the Declaration of Independence
Spent the day helping out on my son’s Kindergarten field trip.
Teachers should make a minimum of $6 million per year.
Turns out “V for Vendetta” is not an educational movie and it won’t teach your kids the alphabet
Me: No matter what you do in life, I’ll always be there for you.
Wife: Stop making promises to the pig.
*first day of pilot school*
Teacher: Did you read the class description wrong?
Me: No, why do you ask?
The parrot on my shoulder: No, why do you ask?
Boss: How is the project coming along?
Me:*closing browser of sick kick flip videos* Totally rad…icalizing our sales data analysis, Sir.
You know how you stumble to the bathroom at night keeping your eyes squeezed shut so you don’t fully wake up?
That’s the whole month of January for me
Me: I have to go I’m almost at the cry doctor
Wife: you mean the eye doctor right?
Me parking at my therapists office: yeah, of course
*lying in bed*
*drops chip down cleavage*
*thinks, I’m so tired, leave it
*also, mmmmm, breakfast*
“Keep it in your pants!”
-Original marketing slogan for cargo shorts.
Fun fact: it’s impossible to try to kiss your own neck without looking like you’ve had a stroke
Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Bring one of those long grabber sticks so you can take the other guy’s gun away.
doctor: why do you think you need this medication?
me: i saw the commercial and the side effects sounded pretty awesome
If one more teenager uses the term ‘Back in the day’…I swear I’m gonna smack them with a floppy disk and choke them with my legwarmers.
I hate talking about the weather with Canadians because I have to convert the temperature to Mooses per square Tim Hortons or whatever.
I put on a blue vest and walked out of Lowe’s with 9 hammers
“any questions for Mr. deGrasse Tyson?”
[I knock over an old woman while sprinting to the mic]
HOW DOES AIR CONDITIONING WORK IN SPACE?
doctor: im afraid we’re going to have to amputate a leg
flamingo: i’ll manage
spider: same
snake: i have a question
[at a wedding]
*bridesmaids walk to stage*
5 year old: Does he get to pick?
How long do you have to stop eating a meal before calling it leftovers?
[Brings date home]
O geez did I leave all my rare, holographic Pokemon cards out on my bed again? Guess we’ll just have to lay here & battle
wishing you and yours all the best
[Airport security]
Guard: Your flight leaves in 5 minutes
Centipede: No problem. I’ll just run. I have 100 legs.
Guard: Remove your shoes