Who called it an allergist and not an antisneeziologist?
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[emailing eHarmony match]
Her: describe yourself
Me: brown hair, kinda stalky
Her: lol you mean stocky
Me [through her bedroom window]: No
DJ Aligator is my favourite musician named after two things that tried to bite me in my twenties.
Okay back to it and remember, you can’t say anger without saying grrrr
Cat or sheep
Evidence that I have the right to be silent and get drunk at 8:17am:
Kids are painting the dog in the living room.
JUDGE: I order you to pay $10,000 – do you understand?
MARIO:
JUDGE: it’s a fine
MARIO [sadly]: no itsa not
*waiter pouring wine*
Say when sir
*wine slowly fills up the restaurant*
I don’t even care if it’s a scam. Just the thought that a Nigerian prince took the time to write me a personal note has really made my day.
banking website: thank you for your transfer as a reminder the total you can move between accounts in any one given business day is $1,000,000
me, sitting on a milk crate in a studio apt i share with two other guys: ok
I dont have a “college fund” bc my youngest will most likely get a scholarship and my oldest thinks all dogs are boys and all cats are girls
[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow- you didn’t waste any time, did you Becky
Hippocrates did very well for himself,
considering he was named after cages for a large mammal.
DAVID BLAINE: *cracks open egg, butterfly flies out*
ME: cmon man
DB: *cracks open 2nd egg, 9 of clubs pops out*
ME: I’m so hungry, David
me before coffee: ugh why is everyone shouting
me after coffee: okay yes I do see the fire now
What do people in non-baseball countries call second base?
I hate that feeling when your iPod earbud accidentally gets ripped out of your ear and you want to murder someone with a hammer.
I went on a date in 2003 with a lady who talked exclusively about how great she was, so I started to agree and then add fun facts about the Thundercats. She didn’t notice, but told me I was a great listener and her friends that I didn’t try to kiss her because I’m gay.
Me working remotely from home:
“Sorry I’m late to the Zoom, I got caught up in another *meeting that ran over.”
*moving laundry from washer to dryer
To the boy who proposed to me in elementary school: can we talk about this once more?
What I go to Aldi to buy: Bread and milk.
What I actually buy in Aldi:
[my coffin lowering into the grave]
wait guys shouldn’t I be dead
[coffin starts lowering faster]
Can I do this?
-Kids, while doing it
Whenever I am with my family and someone says, “Wow, you have a beautiful family!” I reply, “Well, we left the ugly ones at home.”
I’ve never been kidnapped and tortured but I have been forced to go to the store before Christmas and gotten stuck behind someone buying 25 gift cards.
As I’m hiding in the tree completely nude, I can’t help but think maybe dating married women isn’t worth it.
Kinda thick horizontal curvy line, two thinner curvy vertical lines, squiggly line, different thicker squiggly line
-Japanese spelling bee
I think I was like 19 years old before I realized pirates had English accents
Hagrid: yer a wizard Harry!
Harry: *y’er
Men are almost twice as likely to tell pollsters that they have a plan for the zombie apocalypse than women. Often before the pollsters even ask.
No parenting books prepared me for the exhaustion of constantly being excited about the mundane stuff that blows my 4 year old’s mind. Wow, a red pen! Wow, our cat! Wow, a slice of cheese with holes in it!