Who called it an allergist and not an antisneeziologist?
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the face you make when passing someone you kind of know but not enough to stop and chat
I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
A journey of a thousand miles
begins with-running back in the house for
something you forgot.
One venti cheeseburger please.
<gets pulled over>
Officer- What’s making all that noise in your trunk?
Me- My feelings. I’m trying to dispose of them properly.
Ladies, have you ever slept with a man because he has a big fish that he caught in his profile picture?
I bet the women who only tweet about sex are probably some of the nicest men you’ll ever meet in person.
Her: there’s something different about you
Me, slowly transitioning into a werewolf: HOWOOOOOOOOO do you mean?
*my teenage sons being loud, laughing, making inappropriate jokes*
Me: SHHHH! The windows are open & the neighbors are outside!
Son: Well, I’m a little offended they haven’t laughed yet.
Two squirrels in the park were going at it on a tree trunk. And there wasn’t any sensitive content warning.
Me, filling out a gym membership: I dropped my pen. Can I have another?
Trainer: Can’t you just pick that one up?
Me: If I were in good enough shape to go around picking up pens all willy nilly I wouldn’t be here
Listen, it took 5 Guys to make that burger. That’s why it’s $16.99.
I just realized my 5-year-old has been stressed because he thought that a “trim around the ears” meant that we were going to take him upstairs and cut his ears off.
I speak 3 languages. Unfortunately no one else in the world speaks 2 of them.
*friends describing me on Dateline*
She was nothing special. Didn’t light up a room or anything. Just kinda blended into the wallpaper.
11 famous chickens who flew the coop, number 7 will surprise you
– cluckbait
Come on guys, lemme back in the gang! I’m real good at crimes!
“No”
Why?
“YOU GOT ARRESTED BY A POLICE HORSE CARL HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE”
Narrator: We’ve replaced her mace with Axe body spray…let’s watch
[camera zooms in]
Woman: *SPRAYS purse snatcher in his face*
Him: AHHHHHHHHHHhhhey girl, whassup? *winks*
therapist: your chart says you identify as a narcissist?
me: no no, i said arsonist
therapist: ok great, I’ll correct that now
me: the best arsonist this world has ever seen
wiping my hands on my pants before i shaking someone’s hand so they spend the rest of the day wondering what i just touched
This is a wedding toast I made up you can use if you want:
Some say you aren’t good enough for him. Some say you aren’t good enough for her. I say you’re good enough for each other.
Once again not all heroes wear capes
“Hell yeah Trump got impeached looks like he’s finally out of office!”
*Deletes tweet*
*2 minutes later*
“Wow none of you know what impeachment means the senate still has to vote before he’s removed from office go take a college course”
As long as McDonald’s doesn’t make us pay with excercise.
WIFE: Why is the zoo calling us about a missing coyote?
ME: [bleeding profusely] So… not a dog
[removing powdered wig to reveal my son, a powdered wig]
SON: *powdered wig noises*
ME: *nods powderdedly*
Spam emailers who use the heading “Loaded broccoli salad to win the holidays” are not to be trusted.
[Burgler walking around our house] Have…have I been here already tonight?
Ordinary things that become AMAZING once you’re a parent:
-showers
-sitting down to eat
-drinking coffee while it’s hot
-pooping
A fun game is to put on an orange vest and direct traffic.