Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I wish I was as confident as my 15 yo who says he showered even though he smells like onions and rotten taco bell.

I’m so glad the internet is like this now.

imagine being a bald vampire and every time you walk by a mirror your toupee looks like it’s floating in mid air.

HER: how was your day?

ME: you know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?

HER: it was that bad??

ME: oh no, it’s just a cool scene…my day was decent

The heat has gotten so bad on the East Coast that it’s now routine to see large men wiping their brows with slightly smaller, drier men.

Call centre operator: “Sorry for the delay, bear with me … ”

Me: “Put the bear on, he probably knows more.”

The Onion went on a tear in the last 12 hours and then this happened

I could save myself a whole bunch of time if I could just remember to take the cap off of my lip balm before using hand lotion.

sneaking therapy tips into conversation with my mom like how u give a dog a pill wrapped in cream cheese

Just found out there’s a bug called the tarantula hawk wasp and I’m like holy shit maybe just pick one terrifying predator to name it after.

if real babies started to emerge from cabbage patches I don’t believe we’d be so eager to adopt them

cause that’s creepy AF

the gender neutral urge to point out a cow while on a road trip

Each year millions of innocent lives are lost when they accidentally board the wrong plane bound straight for the waiting mouth of a child.

[wakes up from coma I went into in 1908] so how many more World Series titles have the Cubs won?

Unless you and your family were attacked by Bigfoot, then no, I don’t want to see your camping pictures.

in today’s fast-paced world we simply don’t have time for CEOs to be visited by three Christmas ghosts

Did you know there’s a type of spider that eats snails and uses the shell as armor to attack birds? That’s not true. I’m sorry.

“It’s fine with me if Mom says ok”

– the original two-step verification

Martin Shkreli at prison commissary:
“Can I buy shower sandals?”
“That’ll be $700”
“I thought it was $13.50”
“The price suddenly went up”

Goat: So, I make a ridiculous sound?

God: Yes.

Goat: Anything else weird I should know about?

God: Horizontal Pupils

Goat: What the- *stiffens, falls sideways*

God: YouTube is gonna love you.

*during sex

Her: This feels weird. Is it a waterbed?

Me: Nope. Way better.

*pulls back sheet to reveal hundreds of meatball subs

I was on a search party in the forest last night.

Bit of a boring party.

We found a dead guy though.

Hubs cleaned out the garage without being asked so I’m looking back over the Ashley Madison list just in case I missed something.

Brew coffee. Chill coffee. Use coffee instead of water to make Twice-Brewed Coffee. Win Nobel Prize. Begin to glow, levitate. Eat building.

Dentist: Are you sensitive to hot or cold water?
Me: Yes, both
Dentist: okay, I’m just going to blast this industrial high velocity waterpik on your teeth then

Found $10 in a pants pocket. It was awkward though because someone was still wearing it.

My gf thought it was so cute when she found out I owned a pair of tap shoes

Until I got drunk, and put them on

“Let’s wake up super early, stand in the freezing cold with mobs of people & harass a cute little groundhog!” ~White people

To clarify:

DOJA CAT is a 25-year-old rapper, singer, and songwriter.

DEJA CAT is the strange sensation that you’ve seen a cat somewhere before.

Hope this helps!

If you knock down a policeman, they’ll get backup.