who called it an infinity scarf instead of a scaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
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I caught a cute guy salivating and giving me sexy eyes at the restaurant today and I was growling and giving him kissy faces but it turns out he was eyeing the waitress behind me who was bringing out his food and so to save face I dropped to the floor and faked a seizure.
Don’t bring up something I said 30 minutes ago. I’m a different person, I’ve changed since then.
Alexa give me one million dollars I know you have it
me: *chopping onions*
wife: shouldn’t you use a knife?
me: i took karate lessons for a reason, linda
Spam popsicles.
*follow for more recipes
My neck, my back. My pizza and my snacks.
Her: You’ve changed.
Chameleon: Jesus, Karen, not this again.
To be fair, if I had a friend who could turn water into wine – I’d worship him too.
Wife: Can I have one of your french fries?
Me: No, I don’t have that many.
My dog: Can I have one?
Me: OMG yes. Here, take them all.
“This is your raise. Please keep it confidential.”
“Don’t worry. I’m as ashamed of it as you are.”
I had to make an important phone call and now I know my 9-year-old can yodel.
[Meeting friends baby]
Me: [bouncing him on my knee] he’s a big boy isn’t he
Friend: yeah he was 11 pounds
Me: wow that’s cheap
I thought all the men at my gym were being exceptionally nice for a Monday morning but turns out my workout pants are just see-through.
Them: you’re broke, you have to move apartments, you work a shitty job, and you’re balding.
Me: Thats cool. Everything will work out in the end.
Them: your child is skipping a nap today.
Me: MY LIFE IS RUINED!
Bad weather is My way of temporarily punishing you. Bad climate is your way of permanently punishing you.
Kids love retelling stories about times they threw up
Fact: mongooses are super fast and agile and are well known to be dangerous to cobra kai students.
serious question: when someone’s telling you a sad story and crying how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?
The most difficult thing you’ll do as a parent is not rearrange the ornaments after the kids put them on the tree.
In the rookiest of moves, at 4:30PM on Christmas Eve, my husband asked what our 5yo what he is most excited to get from Santa tomorrow
Dear Samsung,
please also start selling jeans that can accommodate your smartphones.
Watch Forrest Gump
*feel inspired
*toss orthotics out, go for jog
*1/2 block later, keel over and die next to shit happens bumper sticker
when dads have a rap battle
I’m not a hot mess I’m a room temp predicament
Me: Goodnight Moon.
Moon: Don’t “Goodnight” me! Do you know what time it is? Where the hell have you been?
I love it when I see an old friend I haven’t seen in years and pretend to not see them
Stop flattering yourself.
I’m not subtweeting you.
Ok, i am right now, but i wasn’t before.
Got 7yo a cellular device so he could make emergency calls.
Yesterday’s emergency call: 4yo won’t eat her shrimp after I said she had to and he wanted to make sure I knew. 🍤