@daemonic3

Who called it an “insanity plea” and not a “loco motion”?

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@juliussharpe

I just hope this Justin Bieber thing doesn’t make all yellow Lamborghini owners look bad.

@david8hughes

[me narrating a documentary about grasshoppers]
And here we see these little liars hopping on sand.

@KateQFunny

TIP: Always carry a motorcycle helmet with u. Then u never have to do your hair & u can blame it on safety & the law & stuff.

#lifehacks

@praisecheese

For the record, riding my unicycle to the bank robbery was a terrible idea.

@cool_pond

replace the chair in the Oval Office w/slightly bigger chair every day for next 4 yrs til trump looks tiny + his feet don’t touch the ground

@ddsmidt

As I was driving, some stranger yelled “what’s your problem lady?”

So I was honest, I said I drink too much and I can’t stop eating chips.

@13spencer

A dashcam video of a cop lip-syncing and dancing to a Taylor Swift song went viral, which is just one more reason to hate the police.

@BoogTweets

Me: *Holding a fist full of lit sparklers* How much for the aggressive incense?

@SomeChrisTweets

FWD: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: THE DOGS HAVE LEARNED HOW TO EMAIL THIS IS YOUR DOG HELLO SUSAN