who called it an octopus not an armarmarmarmarmarmarmarmadillo
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mom: you’re grounded for today
me: i can’t wait until i’m an adult and no one can do that to me
[10 years later]
amazon: your package will arrive between 8am and 6pm
heres law school: “sustained” is basically “settle down beavis.” “overruled” also means “settle down beavis,” but to the other guy instead
gf: we can’t have another pet
me: [holding my new rabbit] shhh you’re bothering neil patrick-carrots
yogurts should come in a five pack not four pack or make the work week four days
What if the Bad News Bears literally gave you bad news?
Bear 1: You’re adopted
Bear 2: The cancer is terminal
Bear 3: This tweet ain’t funny
Is it wrong to eat a Blueberry Muffin that looks just like your dog?!
Still the best thing I’ve ever seen on the Internet.
Me 🙂
My brain: there are dudes in prison who manage to find girlfriends on the outside, but you can’t get someone to text you back
Me 🙁
Kids threaten us with things like, “I’ll just go to my room forever,” and then we let them think we don’t like it
Sorry folks, Twitter’s broken. Moose out front should have told you.
We have a house full of chairs and couches, yet my 3-year-old chose to sit on a grocery bag full of bread.
You can’t explain children. You just survive them.
You’re 15 and miss the 90’s? Yeah, I’m sure those were the best 2 years of your life. Shitting in your pants and eating dirt.
Ever think about how carrots taste more like the color orange than oranges do?
Ribbon gymnastics class only it’s me trying to detangle the cord on my headphones.
{The Mothburbs}
Mom: Oh no!
Dad: What?
Mom: 16 has that glow about her
Dad: Didn’t you have the talk??
Mom: Sure but you remember your first time?
Dad sighs: Wild horses still can’t keep me away from light bulbs
Wife: *looking at three baskets full of my clothes* You need to do laundry.
Me: No, two of those are clean.
Beauty & the Beast is my favorite movie because I like books & starting the day with a song about how my neighbors are idiots.
Blind Date: SWEET JESUS I DONT HAVE ANY EYES
Me: Of course you don’t, you’re a date
Blind Date: WHAT
Me: Kind of like a big raisin
Judge: I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation
Me: *floating*
Me in my 20s: I’m never gonna turn into my dad.
Me in my 30s: WHO LEFT ALL THE LIGHTS ON DO YOU THINK I’M MADE OF MONEY
Papa don’t preach
I’m in trouble deep
Papa don’t preach
I’ve been losing sleep
But I made up my mind
I’m keeping my baby velociraptor
I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.
Don’t you hate it when you go into the bathroom at a party to sneak out of the window, and their bathroom doesn’t have a window, so you have to bust through the wall like the Kool-Aid Man?
Ugh, accidentally shared my private google sheet of perceived slights I’ve endured at potlucks, how’s your Monday going
Each day is a wondrous journey, always discovering the new things in life that can irritate me.
I’m no expert guys but with the amount I trip and fall off things… trust me i’d know if the Earth was flat
Our new washing machine sends a text when wet laundry is ready for the dryer. I guess what I’m saying is this appliance is a snitch.
Dear Santa,
I’m only asking for 1 thing this year; get rid of words like adorbs and obvi before we all start using them. That would be totes amazing.
Oh, SONOFA-
me: [climbing a tree]
bonsai artist: please stop
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because I’m black??
Cop: Sir, you’re white, driving 90 in a 30.
Me: Racist.
Cop: Get out.