Who called it an organic buffet instead of a natural selection?
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Adding more corn and pumpkin to my diet this fall.
Spell check changed “important” to “impotent” so basically I have a meeting in the morning that can’t get it up.
I guess a good thing that would happen to me if the zombie apocalypse ever occurred is that I’d finally start running
If you’re looking for a woman whose problem solving skills include plugging the power strip back into itself to use the outlet it’s in, hit me up.
Avoid cars that have a sign saying ‘baby on board’. That driver has only had a couple of hours sleep and is likely to be suicidal.
Poop your pants one time and suddenly you’re banned from the MacDonalds ball pit
You can’t hurt me. You’re not my mouth full of ice water after chewing mint gum
[wife answering phone]
Gary, it’s 3am! Where are you?“I don’t have time for questions, but if you ever wanted a peacock tell me now!”
Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, shame on me
Fool me three times, I’m never sending you nudes again.
I like to think of brunch as the purest form of anarchy. Want a burger between 2 waffles? Go for it. Scrambled eggs on a brownie? Heck yeah! Toss some onion rings in those Froot Loops, you are ungovernable. For 90 glorious minutes, all rules of polite society have been suspended.
The Beyond Meat COO was arrested for biting a man’s nose. Once again proving you just can’t beat the real thing.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a toddler, asking her to eat her own damn breakfast instead of mine
date: what music do you listen to?
me: oh, uhh you know. crosby, stills. (1 hour later) nash. (sending her a text message the next day) and young
“Make it rain” is the only appropriate response when asked if you want parmesan cheese.
Took my daughter and her best friend to dinner and a show with endless snacks and sodas but we didn’t get ice cream afterwards so naturally this night will forever be known as “that night you didn’t get us ice cream.”
Door dash is the closest thing I’ll ever experience to being actual royalty like bring me a dozen freshly made donuts and a bottle of your finest bourbon!
But your majesty, it’s 9:30 at night and…
I said be quick about it!
Yea…sure! I was hoping someone would come and stand uncomfortably close to me today
Girl twin: mummy stop the car!!
Me: what happened?!
GT: stop the car!
Me: are you ok?!
GT: STOP THE CAR!!! *cries*
Boy twin: *cries*
Me: *stops car* what’s wrong?!!
GT: mummy!
Me: what is it?!
GT: oh it’s ok I couldn’t see my shoes but they’re on my feet
Me: *cries*
I just got excited opening a new pack of socks. Being an adult is stupid
“UNLESS WE’RE OUT OF CHEESE THERE’S NO REASON TO SCREAM LIKE THAT!”
– me to my kid whenever he throws a tantrum
doctor: you have 2 weeks to live… haha just kiddin i didnt even look at your chart yet
patient: well what does it actually say
doctor: *reading chart* ok youre gonna laugh
HBO
HBO GO
HBO NOW
HBO MAX
HBO RAGNAROK
HBO TOKYO DRIFT
MAX
The 6yo told my husband to be a dear, which seemed weirdly old-fashioned until I realized it was deer and he wanted to attack him with a toy cheetah
[creating anchovies]
God: How can we ruin pizza?
Judge: Guilty
Me: Sayyoudidwhat.
Judge: What did you say?
Me: Judge? Did you just reverse my sentence?
*Stage dives into cheering jury*
Wow, after that bathroom experience, this made me wish my sinus plugged up from allergies.
When you just stick the tip in and then move it around and around.
– Hand held pencil sharpener
Never do anything you wouldn’t want to explain to the paramedics
her: cute dog, what’s his name?
me: this is indiana jones
her: oh cool from raiders of the lost ark!
me: no [picking up poop] he’s not been in any movies
My kid brought home a school fundraiser packet in case anyone wants a $43 roll of wrapping paper or an $80 candle.