Who called it an undertaker and not a host mortem?
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Stay at an airbnb if you want to clean up someone else’s house better than your own
Well I’m not really sure why you put “Baby: Ages 0-6” on your resume, but more importantly, why were you a baby for so long
Once I started pronouncing baseline like Vaseline things just really fell into place for me.
How does a farmer find new cows to buy?
He looks through the cattlelog.
Of course I will guard your Easter basket from any pillaging by your sisters. Bring it here, honey.
This guy on GMA is thanking God b/c he survived 2 plane crashes. I’m pretty sure “God” is trying to kill him.
Hello 911?
“What’s your emergency?”
You work in a building?
“Yes”
Inside?
“Yes WHAT’S YOUR EM-”
So you’re saying 911’s an inside job?!
40% of North American teens can’t even find ISIS on a map. Talk about ignorant
“And… uh… chocolate kills dogs.” – God puts the finishing touches on life on earth.
What if during Halloween people said “creepy crawlidays”
hey just a psa for no reason in particular but if you get too close to those wacky inflatable tube guys on a rainy day they can and will wetly slap you in the face. in front of people you were hoping to impress
it definitely didn’t happen to me of course in case you thought th
Therapist: Why did you bring a lawyer to a therapy session?
My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that
My 2yo definitely has a future in the restaurant industry, she always waits until I’ve got a mouthful of food, then asks me a question!
If you think walking on eggshells is bad, try chewing them.
I’m so sick and tired of my friends who can’t handle their alcohol. The other night they dropped me three time while carrying me to the car.
Mcdonalds Drive thru: Do you want a girl toy or a boy toy?
Me: You have those here?!
MOM: Any plans tonight?
ME: Me and the guys heading out to find us some ladees *shoots finger guns
HER: So Pokemon Go with Gary?
M: Yessss
[finishes a 15 minute drum solo] I think that answers your question, your honor.
Food wedding anniversaries:
Year 1: champagne
2: strawberries
3: chocolate
4: donuts
5: protein shakes
6: microwave meal
7: Rat poison
Dear Customer Service: First of all, you should know that Im typing this with my middle finger.
So many idiots speed past my house that when someone is actually going the speed limit I take cover and assume it’s a drive-by.
I think my neighbor is very sick. I have now seen him putting no less than six of his arms in his garbage over the past year.
I appreciate it when my cats stand around while I clean their litter box. We’re like a little road crew: one guy works, three supervise.
one thing that has not changed at all from childhood to adulthood is how worried you need to be when your mother is addressing you by your full name
Me: *doing a cute TikTok dance with my grandma*
Headline reads: ‘Two Old Ladies Do TikTok Dance’
Please don’t ask me to repeat myself I wasn’t listening either
I noticed the trim on one of our garage doors was hanging weirdly. I figured no big deal as these are pretty old garage doors so I started to fix it…
5 yo: Mommy did that.
Me: Did what?
5 yo: She hit that with her car.
Me: Wow bro. Sold out your own mother.
me *dead*: at least I don’t have to pay student loans
*Gets e-mail* We see your living status has changed. Click to update your loan info.
Honest job interview:
“What are your strengths?”
“I put a lot of effort into looking like I know what I’m doing”
“Kill Bill” but it’s me hunting down whoever stole my sandwich from the break room fridge.