Who called it an undertaker and not a host mortem?
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Me: I got a new blanket
My dogs:
[first date]
HER: So do you prefer cats or dogs?
ME: *scanning the menu* I don’t even see them on here. What page are you on?
[marriage counseling]
She’s always getting mad at me
“There’s a shark living in our pool”
IT WAS SHARK WEEK AND HE WAS ON SALE, KAREN
The difference between running and jogging is that runners compete in races and joggers find dead bodies on Law and Order
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come these firefighters are rescuing me from the top of this tree?
I have never been eaten by a tiger. If you want advice on how not to be eaten by a tiger, just ask.
Please note: advice may not work if you are near a tiger.
My boyfriend is being so nice to me since I showed him how easy it was to remove blood from carpeting…
I just saw my 25-year-old son run water on a slice of pizza to cool it off. I need to sit down.
*Starts cutting the chicken of the person next to me at a dinner party out of habit*
Just think: right now, your body is cookin’ up some poop.
The biggest issue with mass immigration is all those people are going to make Europe too heavy and it will sink into the ocean, and the see-saw effect will raise the far east into the stratosphere and launch Chinese people into space.
Why is no one talking about this?
Welcome to parenthood. You’re about to spend an irrational amount of time convincing a sleepy person to go to sleep
waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no
Nobody loves a thunderstorm more than a teenager who promised to mow the lawn today.
The top Little Caesars pizza competitor is Big Brutus.
I hope the world needs to be saved from the apocalypse with video game skills so my teen’s entire life won’t have been a complete waste.
Apple CEO announces he’s gay. Samsung CEO announces he’s more gay and water resistant.
The trick to successfully backing out of a parking space is to not care what happens to you or anyone else.
[me as a ship’s navigator in the 1740s] omg you’re gonna be so mad at me…but i think that was supposed to be our trade wind back there
God: when they’re stressed their hair will start to fall out
Angel: nice, like the unsightly body hairs they hate?
God: lol no no no, the hair on their head
Angel: [under breath] i miss satan
19 is going to my 20 year reunion as me. Now we wait.
It’s so embarrassing when someone gets to second base with me and finds crumbs in my bra.
“Come reckon with me bro.”
-Force
If you want to look mysterious I would suggest painting your cornea with a sharpie. Always works for me.
Alcohol infused candy called Fermentos.
This bouncer’s lucky I’m with my lady and physically frightened of him or he’d be in a world of pain.
holy crap!! when I said “take care of them” I meant snacks & drinks
Iceland has a population smaller than Tampa yet we let them sit there at the UN all smug. Always bragging about how they have cured their society of like IBS and it turns out the one guy who had it just moved away.
GF taking me on a surprise V-Day getaway. At least I think. Not sure what the lime and shovel in the trunk with me are for though.