Who called it an undertaker and not a host mortem?
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Anyone else’s spouse dislike their pet name? My “wife for now” hates hers
[on shark tank]
Me: A thermostat that’s impossible to change
Baby shark: I’m out
Mommy shark: I’m out
Daddy shark: …Go on
Client: “I want to learn how to use the ATM”
Me: “Sure no prob!”
~~~~*Standing outside in the rain in front of the ATM*
Me: “ok first put your card in the machine”
Client: “Oh I don’t have one”
Me *blinking intensely*
I’m not an introvert; I’m just a very inept extrovert.
Being a lawyer is so funny because someone will have their dog off the leash at a park, barreling towards my dog, and jog screaming “oh, he’s friendly” and I’ll scream back “And you have strict and total liability if he isn’t” and suddenly they turn into Usain Bolt
[summoning the devil]
me: come to us!
satan: [rising from floor] who summons me?
mom: [comes in] hi honey i thought you and your friends might want some snacks and-
me: mom get out!
satan: susan is that you?
mom: oh my god! satey?
satan: unholy shit how long’s it been?
Him: why doesn’t anyone want me?
Me: I want you.
Him: why doesn’t anyone else want me?
Maybe someone just charmed the pants off of Winnie the Pooh.
[interview]
So what’s a personal strength?
“Honesty.”
And a failing?
“I murder people who don’t hire me.”
“Wash your hair. Wash your body.” Some of my best ideas come to me in the shower
A chameleon and a ninja walk into a bar.
Neither one can get the bartender’s attention.
cop: you were driving 30 mph under the speed limit
me: my in-laws are staying with us for a while, longer the commute the better
cop: you need to maintain the speed limit
me: *knocks book out of cops hands*
cop: are you trying to get arrested
me: yes please
I’m still pissed that “kill them with kindness” caught on quicker than my “incapacitate, maim and set them on fire with affection.”
What does a Thesaurus eat for breakfast?
A synonym roll.
KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that
As a parent it’s my job to shout “Be careful!” at my children just after they’ve fallen over
If I were gonna give advice about how to survive leaving your phone at home, it would be this: stare at something else. I chose a weird baby
Is your GPS supposed to sigh before it says “Recalculating”?
Clicks “open”
Tries door
Clicks “open”
Tries door
Clicks “open”
Tries door
What the FU..
Wrong car
(I have a master’s degree)
A spider crawling along the wall suddenly fell off and kept crawling on the floor like it wasn’t a big deal, so I said out loud, “I saw that.”
imagine a world where there’s like 30 other guys who look exactly like you and you all go everywhere together and you’re all constantly screaming. that’s what being a crow is like. hard not to be jealous of that lifestyle…
Her: What’s for dinner?
Me: Remember what we had last night? Cream of that….
Forty-three-year-old bodies be like you didn’t workout yesterday and now you’ve gained 35 pounds.
Dear America
Would you please take the ‘s’ off the word ‘legos’ and put it back on the word ‘math’ where it belongs.
Many thanks
England
airline: will you be checking your bags, sir
me: again? I did that three times at home
[watching Olympic Figure Skating]
Me: HOLY CRAP!!! THAT ROUTINE WAS INCREDIBLE!!!
T.V. Announcer Johnny Weir: it’s obvious to everyone how awful that routine was
Me: oh
100% of divorces begin with marriage.
doctor: “is there anything that runs in the family?”
wife: “hm not really”
me: “the dog jogs a lot”
I like Tweets that are so good that when I send them to FB my old friends won’t talk to me on the phone for a week.
I can only please one person a day, and i already pleased myself this morning.. so y’all are screwed!