Who called it an undertaker and not a host mortem?
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End of date
Me: I’ve been waiting for this moment all night
Him: *closes eyes and leans in for a kiss
Me: *honks horn as I speed away *
*sends nudes*
Him: omg you showered!
“Hi yes I’d like to attempt the Cheeseburger challenge”
“Very good sir”
[ripped as hell cheeseburger runs out of the kitchen & bodyslams me]
I dated my financial advisor for like a year but I lost interest.
The best coffee is outside my house but the best no bra is inside my house so you see my dilemma
Remember , for some unknown reason Santa doesn’t make batteries .
“when we kissed, I saw fireworks” you mean the kiss was super boring despite also being incredibly loud and scaring the shit out of my dog?
I honestly see both sides of the flat earth debate.
Not saying I’m special but kids these days never have any money behind their ears.
Friends: Get married. Have kids. Get a promotion. Travel the world.
Me: Still standing in the grocery store trying to get open a plastic produce bag.
The most unrealistic thing about Warrior Cats isn’t the talking cats it’s their names. I’ve been around feral cats; they wouldn’t call themselves Stormheart or whatev. More like: “I am called Lord Orange. Here are my finest warriors: Orange, Orange & Also Orange.”
Cartoon orange juice is just pulp fiction
my cartoon in the New Yorker this week
candy corn tastes like it has already been chewed
So I’m in Italy… went into a supermarket, I bought and drank almost half of this bottle thinking its water only for the cashier to tell me that I shouldn’t drink so much because it’s a laxative 🥲
Murderer 1: well this is awkward
Murderer 2: omg Dave haha what are the chances!
Murderer 1: how’s Carol?
Murderer 2: you know, same old same ol-
Me: EXCUSE ME
murderer: run if you want to live
me: *starts sprinting*
murderer: not like toward me tho
Wife: I’m heading to the store.
Me: Why?! The roads are super icy.
Wife: We’re out of beer.
Me: Drive really carefully.
I AM A THREE THOUSAND YEAR OLD SHRUNKEN HEAD AND I DEMAND TO BE REHYDRATED.
Her: I’m hungry. If you loved me you’d give me breakfast in bed 😉
Me: *hands her my emergency poptart from my pillowcase* only because ily
Living in Switzerland wouldn’t be so bad. The flag is a plus.
Marry the person who looks at you the way a Labrador looks at a tennis ball…obsessed, slightly crazed and probably drooling a little.
Whoa… oh I see lol
“Yes, I remember you saying” – Translation: Please stop saying that
You’re doing a great job looking at your phone
When you wake from a dream it can feel so real that you say things to your spouse like, I’m sorry I married Jason Momoa when he turned you into a florescent beetle.
Granny said “alright now, if she fall that’s it for me” 😭
everyone: IT WAS COLD OUT THIS MORNING BUT NOW ITS WARM! WHATEVER SHALL WE DO?
me: finally *slowly unzipping my khakis at the knee so they become shorts* now is my time to shine
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: the warrant probably
Officer: you have a broken- what
Me: what
If it wasn’t for my coworkers who arrive to work after me I would never know it’s been raining for 7 days.