Who called it “asking for sex” and not “pitchfork”
You Might Also Like
husband: do you know where the thing is
me: could I buy a noun
Nine out of ten doctors agree that dying is bad for your health. The other doctor is clad in a dark robe and carrying a scythe.
Art teacher: you were supposed to paint a tree
Rorschach: I did
My 6-year-old is sick with a cough, so I told him gargling with warm salt water can help. He looked at me & said, “I’m NOT going all the way to the ocean right now.”
Still the best thing I’ve ever seen on the Internet.
My therapist told me he doesn’t eat bacon or drink coffee, I told him he’s the one that needs a psychologist.
I slept in until 9:30 this morning. But don’t be too jealous because I did it wrong and now I can’t look to the left.
Everyone should release their taxes because I cannot read them understand them anyhow
WIFE: Where are the groceries?
ME: Bacon was on sale.
WIFE: Oh god, what does that mean?
*sound of dump truck backing into driveway*
Spider-Man: I climb like a spider and shoot webs to prevent crime!
Ant-Man: I shrink to the size of an ant to defeat enemies!
Cowboy: I uh
Spider-Man: Go on!
Cowboy *quietly* I have 4 stomachs
Doctor: You have a disease
Me: Oh no!
Doctor: You can cure it with diet and exercise
Me: Oh no!
When I pack too much for a short trip.
how many years later this still send me omfg this is peak comedy
Please don’t buy my book on reverse psychology.
You don’t even want to know what people have used the ice tongs in your hotel room for.
If someone steals your joke, you have to file a LOLsuit
I think Amazon is missing a big opportunity to get into the paint industry. They could make big bucks selling Amazon Primer. #tuesdaymotivations
*bark*
“What’s that Lassie?”
*bark bark*
“Timmy’s stuck in a loveless marriage with an overly critical wife?”
*bark*
“Ooh, dinnertime.”
Blink once if you’re ok and Blink 182 if you ditched your career to find UFO’s.
Them: “two heads are better than one”
Me: “nah i’m good here, this one overthinks enough thanks”
3 little words that can bring a man to his knees on a Sunday morning
INTERNET IS DOWN
[searching for a new church]
Me: *calls* Yes, does your church offer complimentary WiFi, red wine and light appetizers?
Church: *click*
It’s not my fault that the Ouija Board always says, “you guys should order a large pizza” every time I play.
It’s been six months since my last haircut. It might be time to close my barbershop.
The way my life is now if I threw caution to the wind it would just throw it back.
Wife *rubbing her belly* we’ve got a date for our ultrasound
Me: omg
Wife: are we gonna find out what it is?
Me *googling what is ultrasound* way ahead of you
[as a lawyer]
me: “permission to approach the bench, your honor”
judge: “granted”
me, whispering: “are you mad at me?”
Husband: Do you like it hard or soft?
Wife: You know I like it hard-parents passing taco shells on a wild Tuesday night
Need a math nerd to solve the following problem:
I make my son a peanut butter sandwich. Rectangle, no crust, let’s say 5” by 4”. I cut it diagonally into two TRIANGLES. However, he wants SQUARES. If he weighs 55 lbs, how much force is needed to launch him into the sun?