Who called it “asking for sex” and not “pitchfork”
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I did 1 single thing on my to-do list today which means now I get to watch 11 hours of TV
Just reading a story about the RAF having to scramble some fighter jets, and all I could think was “imagine the size of the saucepan they had to use”.
Me: I think you should have a long bath tonight
Son: but we’ve only a got a regular-sized one
Me: I’ve never been prouder of you
That’s the last time I follow some dude into the woods just because he tells me he’s a wizard.
I love you Mario but you need to stop taking shrooms, breaking into haunted houses, and killing turtles! You have a dinosaur to take care of
“Dogs are assholes”
DOG PERSON: YOU’RE an asshole!
“Cats are assholes”
CAT PERSON: Yeah
I can’t tell you how to increase your moral fibre, I’m not a nutritionist.
*Involved in high speed chase*
*Uses turn signals*
[at library]
ME: Yes, I’d like to Czech out a book on eastern Europe.
LIBRARIAN: 3rd floor
ME: Get it?
L: This is dialog, I’m not reading it
I am so desperate for summer I’m actually looking forward to wasps.
SURGEON: I’m afraid that your Grandma is very critical
ME: Oh no
SURGEON: She *starts to tear up* she said I have a stupid haircut
me when I get my period: why am I eating & crying so much? is my depression worsening? What if im dying??? Omg im dying this is how I die. I die soon.
me later that night: dude ur not dying this is literally what ur period is. every single time.
*next period*
why am I eating & cr
JOKER: Why so serious
ME: Have you seen the news?
JOKER: Ok fair
I was so excited. Thought I found an M&M at the bottom of my purse. It was only an earbud. I ate it anyway.
Babies are very like governments, you know. Constant appetite at one end, constant mess at the other. And they only ever get bigger.
I overheard 16 tell 12 to come wish me a Happy Mother’s Day. Her response, “I’ve been doing it for 11 years, I think I deserve a break.”
So….guess who has dishes duty today!? And I’m going to use EVERY damn cup, plate and silverware in this house.
Alexa, make me look good naked.
[in deep space]
Everyone: [in hypersleep]
Me: [wakes up every few hours to pee]
Me, sitting on the patio trying to enjoy a book.
Leaf blowers: ABSOLUTELY NOT.
So my dad was all “stop eating my pills” and then I was like “stop melting into the floor and spinning multi colored webs you talking lamp”
Sometimes you’re Godzilla, sometimes you’re Tokyo
You people are tweeting a lot about this eclipse for people who claim to never go outside
If you can’t think of a word say “I forget the English word for it”. That way people will think you’re bilingual instead of an idiot.
According to hotel AC, the difference between 72 degrees and 73 degrees is 40 degrees.
Doctor: eating every 2 hours is wrong
Me: yea, 2 hours is a stretch
I bought a Christmas tree today and the salesman asked if I was going to put it up myself. I said no, I’m going to put it in the living room.
6yo: Wow you look much better already daddy! Will you be able to have the stitches out soon?
Taxidermist: He will not
At this point the angel on my shoulder just mutters “You’ll regret it,” then slowly sips whiskey.
Pro tip: Instead of having kids, just adopt a couple raccoons. They’ll trash your house too, but at least they can feed themselves.