Who called it asking the waiter about the specials and not retrieving data from the server
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I can’t get out of bed, my Fitbit is charging and my steps won’t count
At my age, my passwords are protected by amnesia.
Weighing your giraffe: a guide:
1) Become VERY strong
2) Weigh yourself
3) Weigh yourself again, holding your giraffe
4) Subtract figure one from figure two![]()
If a tarantula lived in a flower pot it would be a hairy potter
Ther are two microwaves in my office kitchen, one is for exploding lasagnas and the other one is for exploding other different lasagnas
approaching the 7-year anniversary of putting my stem cells in my dad’s bones and growing my bone marrow there thus killing his cancer and giving me years of “he’s a lesbian in his bones” jokes
ME: where’s your brother?
OLDEST CHILD: where’s another roll of duct tape?
ME: *sprints to the basement*
Canadians are so nice and polite bc they made a pact with Satan to have all their hate stored in the geese
Scavenger Hunt Party
Give your guests a list of all the things you can’t find and set them loose in your home.
It’s really important to have things in common with your spouse, for instance my wife and I both despise my very existance.
*tucks napkin into my shirt*
This meal could get messy.
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Bruh
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Let’s throw this crap away, but first lets try to sell it
-yard sale
*Unplugs your smart car to charge phone
My house isn’t messy.
It’s ‘Picasso-ish’.
guy: my dog just died
girl who studied abroad: wow that reminds of this one time in Europe i saw a dog
You’re telling me that not one of The Peanuts ever when into anaphylactic shock?
*after spending a solid 15 minutes listening to someone describe a tv show I’ll never watch*
I’ll definitely check it out.
My phone only recognizes my fingerprint if it has cheese on it
12. I think about this all the damn time
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Her: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves peanut butter…
Her: Mmmm. Where would you like me to put it?
Me: *hands her bread*
*At Super Bowl Party*
Hey baby, they’ve got a WHOLE bunch of shrimp here, did you bring the big purse?
[young Santa Claus’s dating profile] looking for a girl who loves snow, living in perpetual darkness and cooking for thousands of elf slaves
Yes I carry a briefcase chained to my wrist in the airport. No one is stealing my travel cheese.
OMG. I saw Leonardo da Vinci trending and thought he died.
Telling my husband he got his days mixed up and my quarantine is actually another day so he doesn’t see how messy I’ve let this room get.
Every generation gets the Batman it deserves, not the Batman that it wants, and then two additional Batmans.
[history times]
THE EARL OF SANDWICH: By placing the meat between two pieces of bread, one keeps one’s hands neat for playing cardsHIS COUSIN, THE DUKE OF HAT-WITH-TWO-CUPHOLDERS-AND-CRAZY-STRAWS: I also have an invention
Sharks are so misunderstood. They ONLY eat people’s legs because they want you to transform into a mermaid and be friends with them.
Took nephew out for lunch. The waitress asked what he’d like.
After a stunned silence, I explained ‘quiche’ was not pronounced ‘quickie’.