@slaughthie

Who called it baking and not making love

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@StarWarsProblms

Vader: Remove my helmet so I can see you with my own eyes.

Luke: OK.

Vader: On second thought, don’t. I have 30 years worth of hat hair.

@FlyJ_

You’re in a work meeting and your boss asks, “Any questions?”

The answer is always, NO.

@bazecraze

You gotta kiss a lotta frogs to get a lotta desperate late-night texts from frogs.

@Jade_VK

Brenda from work unfollowed me on here so now I have to follow her around the office all day reading my tweets like a news broadcaster

@_corichardson

[movie date]

me: i snuck in some snacks

her: omg!!

me: *holding ramen noodles* do u have any boiling water

@batkaren

*medication may cause
– hair cramps
– tongue mold
– restless skin syndrome
– pomegranate ear
– swamp lip
– knee teeth

@Mom_Overboard

Him: I’m gonna throw you over my shoulder, carry you into the bedroom, toss you onto the bed, and have my way with you…

Me: Ok but on the way to the bedroom, can we swing by the fridge?

@avaricious1

I saw a spider in my bedroom so I did what any man would do… I got in an argument with my wife so I could sleep on the couch.