Who called it baking and not making love
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CNN is confirming that the only news in the world today is the blizzard. everything else is under control.
“I’m still a virgin”
-theres plenty of fish in the sea
“Ur right. I’ll find someone”
-no, I mean u should give up & be a lonely fisherman
I let friend’s kid call my ex & say “Are you really my daddy?” while I’m in the background yelling “hang up the phone,he doesn’t want you!”
You can’t change a person unless they wear adult diapers
Autocorrect changed “you flatter me” to “you flatten me” and shit just got really weird.
I remember in Driver’s Ed. they’d teach you dumb stuff like “hands at 10 & 2” instead of real life important shit like “how to eat a sausage McMuffin while driving with your knees”.
Me: [giggling] who is Thor’s favorite rapper?
Wife: I don’t know, MC Hammer?
Me: oh.
Wife: [sigh] what’s wrong?
Me: nothing…I mean…why did you say I don’t know if you clearly knew the answer.
Charlie Brown grew up to become a good grief counselor
SOON I WILL DESTROY ALL OF YOUR HEROES AND TAKE MY PLACE AS YOUR WORLD LEADER BUT FIRST WHAT IS YOUR MOM’S CASSEROLE RECIPE IT IS DELIGHTFUL
FACT: Had kids for one reason; to send them to the basement for paper towels when I run out of them in the kitchen. It’s scary down there.
Just beat Eminem 4000 straight times at musical chairs by playing “The Real Slim Shady” over and over.
6yo: “Mom, I’m excited that it’s my first eclipse, but I’m sad that it’s your last.” 💀
This burrito reminds me of the time I accidentally opened the wrong can of food when I was drunk.
Dog food…I accidentally ate dog food.
I see you like sex.
*apparently not an acceptable thing to say to a pregnant woman.
I accidentally spilled Coke on my husband’s shoes, so now I’m waiting to see which one of my kids acts like a jerk first so I know who to blame it on.
This day sucked so bad I had to stop by the liquor store on my way to the bar.
[rolls a boiled egg down the bar to a hot girl]
me – “that was an accident can I have my egg back please”
The Girl With The Grilled Cheese and Bacon Tattoo
Eventually there’ll be another civil war and you’ll still have to go into work.
No, YOU just googled “emoji meanings” to make sure you’ve been using the correct ones….
Told my daughter it’s against the law to play April Fool’s Day pranks on parents so everyone back me up on this
One of the weirdest aspects of being human is that if something is cute enough our only response is to want to squeeze it until it’s dead.
Me: Can I order the conch fritters please?
Waitress: The “ch” is pronounced like a “k”
Me: Okay Bick.
I hate cars with no Tint get me outta this water bottle 😡😡
If you see a dog by itself, check it’s collar, it might be lost
If you see two dogs by themselves, leave them alone, they’re on a date.
Can’t believe my dog just ran into Petco and left me in the car with the windows rolled up
went to the dog hairdresser and (u started reading so u may as well finish) I can’t believe how well she held the scissors in her little paw
My son asked to go to an amusement park for his birthday so he could ride roller coasters.
We went. He didn’t feel like riding them.
We came home. He is now watching roller coasters online and asking when we can go back.
That sums up parenting pretty well.
I’ve never wanted to know the answer to anything bad enough to ask a question at the end of a meeting that’s running 30 minutes over time.
Jews name their children after their deceased loved ones. This is my son, Healthy Sleep Pattern. He was born on January 21st, 2017.