Vader: Remove my helmet so I can see you with my own eyes.
Vader: On second thought, don’t. I have 30 years worth of hat hair.
Who called it baking and not making love
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You’re in a work meeting and your boss asks, “Any questions?”
The answer is always, NO.
You gotta kiss a lotta frogs to get a lotta desperate late-night texts from frogs.
Brenda from work unfollowed me on here so now I have to follow her around the office all day reading my tweets like a news broadcaster
Birds shit on us because we tweet better.
me: i snuck in some snacks
me: *holding ramen noodles* do u have any boiling water
*medication may cause
– hair cramps
– tongue mold
– restless skin syndrome
– pomegranate ear
– swamp lip
– knee teeth
Him: I’m gonna throw you over my shoulder, carry you into the bedroom, toss you onto the bed, and have my way with you…
Me: Ok but on the way to the bedroom, can we swing by the fridge?
I saw a spider in my bedroom so I did what any man would do… I got in an argument with my wife so I could sleep on the couch.