Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[walking into Sephora]

me: I love how it smells in here! If I ever find a man who smells like this, I’m going to lock him in the basement forever.

my husband: I’m right here you know

So you heard that after I won several cuts from the butchers in a card game, I got back home to the farm to find out that one of my female sheep was questioning the existence of tropical cyclones, and you want to know if its true?
Well that’s four meat Uno, and ewe typhoon doubt.

Ever since we moved into our house, we’ve nicknamed the guy who lived here for 30 years before us The Engineer because everything is so precisely done.

Our neighbour just brought The Engineer over to meet us & Reuben looked like he was meeting the biggest rockstar on the planet.

Sorry I called you “sexy” and didn’t really mean it, but I was hungry and you were a mirage of pizza.

Everybody’s talking about the super obnoxious drunk guy at the bar last night. I was at that same bar and I didn’t even notice him. Weird.

you guys HAVE to try the golden retriever in springfield. it is soooo good

Someone: describe your sex life in two words.

Me: my what?

“You can’t stand there.”
“Not there, either.”
“Nope that spot’s taken, too.”

-Ground hogs

Bruce Willis is talking to a parrot. “I’m Bruce Willis” he says. The parrot repeats it. “yeah right” Bruce says, but is secretly worried

I’m likely to die of a household accident. I’m certain a spider will be involved.

THE INVENTOR OF HAND SANITIZER: who’s the paranoid one now huh, WHO’S THE PARANOID ONE NOW

hi welcome to my podcast “consciousness was a mistake” today we’re gonna take a nap together to demonstrate that being aware of reality is bad

Pronouns:
He
She
It
You
We
They

Amateurnouns:
Whoozits
Whatsername
Thingamajig
*vague pointing*
Whatchamacallit
Dudes

I took my dog for a walk last night and forgot something at home: the dog. I forgot the dog. Menopause is fun.

ME: i have a separate stomach for dessert haha
COW: amateur

The charcuterie board is Lazy Susan’s even lazier
cousin.

Made a playlist for your weekend hike

Pretty funny that turtles are always in uniform. It’s like lighten up, turtles. The war is over.

I’m tired of being the strong one. I want to be a noodle.

I was the president of the fencing club in high school. We only met once, and then the cops found all the stolen property.

[being carried out of the zoo on a stretcher] not all hyenas are scared of the name Mufasa, I know this now

30% of parenting is making yourself the bad guy so your kids will unite against you and get along for a little while.

Yes, I have a fitness app. I use it to time how long it takes the pizza delivery guy to get here.

“If you’re having girl? Problems. I feel bad. For you? Son.” -Russian guy telling his pregnant wife he hopes it’s a boy.

People who put a strip of bacon on a donut, where does it end? You wanna put a braised lambshank on my cupcake? Why don’t I open up my chocolate croissant and you can shove a live trout in it

I went to the gym and ended up watching tennis for an hour.

I blame ESPN for my eventual demise.

I saw a woman really screaming at her kids in public this morning, but in her defense, the kids were ugly.

driving down the highway in my monster truck, crushing hundreds of cars but avoiding ones that have “baby on board” decals, because I’m a good person

[Comes home and wife is laying in bed with Another Man]
“Hey”
Hi
“Can I ask you something?”
Yup
“Why’d you name the dog ‘Another Man’ babe?”

Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.