Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

People who tweet about politics should have to pass a small test: if i say “Oh, look, a dead bird,” and you look UP, we take your phone away

[lying in bed]

Wife: He’s probably thinking of other women

ME: *Imagining eating dinner with Batman* It’s a cape AND a bib?!

I ain’t cray-cray, I’m inappro-pro.

Finish all your pizza or you don’t get any ice cream!

– me, making my kids eat their dinner before dessert

Short women who cook know the difference between cooking tongs and our special “grabbing tongs” to reach items on the top shelves.

hey pregnant lady slowly crossing the street on a green light it’s a baby not a forcefield

Wife: “How did your first day as a lifeguard go?”

Me: “Amazingly well, thanks. Everyone was so friendly and waving at me.”

“Get a puppy,” they said.
“It will be fun,” they said.

I got 4 hours of sleep.

Just got every hair on my body waxed off except eyebrows and head. I look like a naked mole rat.
Men, come & get me if you’re into rodents.

[scene of car accident]

bystander: is your baby ok

me: no he’s a complete jerk

Guys be throwin bobcats across their lawn and I’m over here trying to get my Capri Sun open

I don’t have a go-bag, but if I did, it would contain absolutely everything I could possibly need and I would leave it at home.

Me: I don’t appreciate being unexpectedly hit with goose liver.

Waiter: I’m sorry for throwing you a surprise pâté.

If you’re drunk when you die, are you drunk forever…?

i put “wake up” and “try to breathe” on my to-do list and long story short it’s 9:30am and guess who’s already had a productive day

pelicons

RELATIONSHIP STATUS:

Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight

Dinner then: lean protein, fresh vegetables, good carbs

Dinner now: on the rocks

what if your teeth were naturally flaccid and got hard when you got hungry

Every time I tell my lab puppy to “drop it!” I hope it’s going to be a rock or a Hot Wheels car or a piece of mulch and not a whole live frog like it was last week

Tonight our 4 year old ate his dinner in a record time of 4 hours 27 minutes

[anniversary dinner]

HER: tell me something that will make my heart race

ME: my credit card got declined

I get it. You don’t want to name your baby Mary or John or Sarah or Michael or any of these old, unoriginal names when you can give it one of these new, unoriginal names.

If a 99lb girl eats a 1lb plate of nachos is she technically 1% nachos? I think I’m on to something…

My daughter said she wanted a pet fish so I gave her a can of tuna. The fact she took it, painted it and made an aquarium for it, proves that quarantine life is getting to all of us.

[dog wedding]

[Bride throws bouquet into crowd]

[Groom catches it, gives it back to Bride]

[Bride throws bouquet again]

[Groom catches..

Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.

movie theater manager: im sorry no outside drinks
me: are you kidding me right now
my date: (the kool aid man) it’s fine we’ll just go somewhere else