Who called it choosing a burial plot and not a grave decision
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when I’m having a bad day as a parent, I just remind myself that plenty of animals won’t hesitate to eat their kids, so really I’m in gold star territory
Me: *twenty four inch chunk of rebar sticking out of my head*
Doctor: What brings you in today?
Men pick a hairstyle at 15 and call it good until baldness or death.
I always keep a baseball bat under my bed. You know, in case someone breaks in and throws a ball at me.
I may not look good naked, but I’m a beautiful person on the insi….
Hahahaha just kidding
I look great naked
You get to sleep all day, cat, that’s why I get the good food.
I feel sorry for all those girls bragging that they don’t have a gag reflex. They’ll probably die choking on an Olive Garden bread stick.
It’s amazing how little sleep you can survive on, just by eating right, cutting out alcohol & sharing a bedroom with a vengeful poltergeist.
Her: Have we been to that restaurant?
Me: hmm damn I’m not sure.
Her: It’s cute how you cross your arms when you’re thinking. Also, please put your hands on the steering wheel, you’re going 84.
I knew a guy used to trophy hunt corn. Had a necklace of ears.
Conference calls are fun because no one knows I’m really home with massive diarrhea.
Boss: For the third time, PLEASE put us on mute.
If Satan isn’t real then why am I in a group text with my family
*receives a monthly bill*
didn’t i just pay this last month??
Lou loved his job but if he had a nickel for every time someone asked if he was “monitoring the situation” he would never have to pay for another rat dinner.
The full name for hanky panky is handkerchief pandkerchief
Me: Well, I lost 9 pounds.
Her: That’s great, hon! Where’s the baby?
Me: Let me repeat…
[soldier dying in my arms]
Soldier: tell my wife-
Me: dude I’m already giving messages for 3 guys. Just wait until she dies & tell yourself
Me on FB: All kids home for summer break! My heart is full!
My reality: STOP ARGUING! YOU NEED TO GET A JOB! DO YOUR OWN LAUNDRY! WHO TOOK MY PHONE CHARGER?
Lost about 3 pounds in the last 10 mins
(shaved my back and shoulders)
You don’t love me? Don’t worry, the first step is denial.
[slipping DJ $20] my good sir would you turn it down a skooch
The only French I know are words for food items and the chorus of Lady Marmelade. Turns out that’s all you really need.
Jake Paul just announced that he’s fighting my dead grandmother next.
Had a dream that someone was gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper. Woke up to find my cat gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper.
please don’t get up in the snake’s face to see if it’s more diamond or oval
just leave the danger noodle alone
sincerely,
a medical toxicologist
I start opening a delivered package before I even get back inside and my wife can let her packages sit unopened on the table for a week. Which one needs therapy?
Macbeth [waggling eybrows]: I know a spot
Lady Macbeth: out
Macbeth: but-
Lady Macbeth: OUT
ME: My cat isn’t overweight; she’s just big-boned
VET: This is a dog
daughter: dad I can count to 100 want to hear?
me: absolutely
daughter: ok *deep breath* I’m going to do it in my head. I’ll let you know when I’m done
I find it odd that when someone dies we refer to them as late, my late Aunt Polly. Aunt Polly isn’t late, she’s not coming.