Who called it choosing a burial plot and not a grave decision
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Me: Time to give the undergoblin the Ol’ Razzle Dazzle…
Gynecologist: We’ve talked about this…Please, stop.
“Come on now, I’m sure that Megatron isn’t such a bad guy when you get to know him…” – Optimist Prime.
If you think my tweets are bad you should see most of my life choices
A museum guard accused me of trying to steal a 4,000-year-old papyrus but I explained that my skin just gets like that in the winter.
ME: (throwing my car keys to the valet) Run me over real quick, chief.
Me: I need to know where you are at all times. If you go somewhere new, text me. Understand?
Taco truck driver: Okay.
Me: Ugh, these edibles are crap. I don’t feel a thing.
Cockroach sitting next to me on the sofa: Tell me about it, sister.
My daughter told me breathing is for losers and now I have to somehow surreptitiously check her for gills
*Slams suitcase shut*
Me: Case closed.
Judge: Stop doing that.
[notice son’s not home]
[text]
Me: IT’S AFTER MIDNIGHT! I SAID HOME BY 11!
17: You were my ride.
Me: Oh. Where are you again?
Hub: What’s this?
Me: A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in & I’m a little closer to freedom.
Hub: *puts $100 in*
Me:…
💯😂
My kid’s latest drawing. Guys, should I be disturbed? I am disturbed.
🇺🇸🤭
People often act like they don’t hear something that is too awful to contemplate which explains the silence I get when I tell someone I like them.
It’s great that interstates have rest areas. But things like Wednesdays really need rest areas too.
[stops girl before she walks in the puddle]
“I got this one babe, *pulling out a straw* stand back”
I heard on the news that some guy was stealing wheels off police cars. The police are working tirelessly to catch him.
My niece is pregnant and the fetus already has business cards as a freelance media consultant.
This has to be a scam text but what’s the end goal here?
HER: I like talking during sex, but I can’t stand it when you narrate the whole thing
ME: As she complains, I begin removing my pants slowly
Sorry I don’t remember your name, I was concentrating too hard on shaking hands, making eye contact and not mispronouncing my own.
Word of advice, don’t get a tattoo til you’re old enough. Thought I was gonna be into this stuff forever.
Who called it oatmeal-raisin instead of a misfortune cookie?
fedex left me a note that they missed me, which is so sweet cause I miss u too, u bunch of box-destroying psychopaths
We named our beautiful daughter after my mother.
Passive Aggressive Psycho turns 22 this year!
If you suddenly stand up and shout “IT’S A CHRISTMAS MIRACLE” you can walk out of work and not come back and no one will even ask about it.
Big shout-out to the guy in Costco buying a lifetime supply of what he thinks are the right size diapers.
In my experience, bowling and pancakes have the same energy.
High hopes at the beginning, lowered self-esteem at the end.
I went to type “kill me” and it changed to “milk me.” I don’t even know what else to say now.