Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

In the 1930s, there was an outbreak of exploding trousers in New Zealand. Farmers had used a herbicide that became explosive when it dried.

Friend: Oh my God, I just can’t explain how he makes me feel. He just has this way with me. It’s just so…magical.
Me: You’re literally paying him for that and technically hypnosis is not magic.

i wish we could shoplift online

That awkward moment when you run into your old pizza guy and you’re with your new much younger pizza guy.

Produce is too expensive. Do you have any amateur duce?

i know parents looking like their kids is obvious but the way reese witherspoon hit ctrl c + ctrl v on her daughter is mad

Your life is awesome until your oversized clothes start fitting.

Shout out to that lifeguard who recommended moving the potato to the front of my speedo

Now I’m no fresh daisy, I’ve been around the block, but what is kissing

UNITED EMPLOYEE: Beat this guy up so we can take the thing he paid for.
LITERALLY THE POLICE: Okay

“I really should buckle down and get my rap album going”
-Me, every time I drink

i don’t want to rock and roll all night. i want to sleep all night without having to get up and pee 39 times

My friend is looking for a single, normal, well adjusted man. I told her to avoid twitter.

me: Mother Nature is passive-aggressively reminding us to hydrate

them: why can’t you just say it’s raining

*65 million years ago*

T-Rex dad: If you don’t finish your food, an asteroid will come and blow us up!

T-Rex child: You ALWAYS say that shit!

Dad: DON’T USE THAT LANGUAGE! Or else an ast-

*Asteroid streaks across the sky*

Both: Shit.

You know what cats don’t like? Blow dryers.

You know what’s funny? Pointing your blow dryer at your cat.

Anyway, I lost an eye today.

What did the drummer call his twin daughters?

Anna one, Anna two….

I’m still laughing .

when swimming in the ocean always wear a hat so you don’t get sharks in your hair

All I’m saying is, if boring people to death was a real thing, I’d be a dangerous man.

I’m sorry I said take me to church because I needed a ride to the liquor store nearby.

When I see a guy with a tooth pick in his mouth I’m like, wow. look at that guy. he ate most of a tree.

Nothing worse than talking to a person with a large amount of spit in their mouth that talks really fast. HOLY SHIT…My glasses r ruined

My 9 year old went to bed annoyed with me because he said there’s a glacier in Venezuela and I laughed, said ok buddy are there polar bears too do they have a white Christmas get some sleep.
Just so you know, the glacier’s name is Humboldt.

Friend: If you love cheeseburgers so much, why don’t you marry one?!

*looks at wife, wife shakes her head

Me: I’m not allowed

*kicks dirt

You get a green perennial vegetable, you get a green perennial vegetable, EVERYBODY GETS GREEN PERENNIAL VEGETABLES!
– Okra

Her: I really need to learn to say “no”.

Me: I’ll introduce you to my wife.

you should be allowed to list your landlord as a dependant

Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?

Interviewer: Well, we prefer to call it a background check.

Why don’t men ever think to do helpful catcalls like “YO SEXY THE SIDEWALK IS CLOSED AT THE END OF THIS BLOCK – CONSIDER REROUTING, MAMI!”

Somewhere there’s a bat that witnessed their parents murder who now dresses like a human.