Who called it condensed milk instead of mk?
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Best table by far
Sometimes marriage is about love & compromise other times it’s about letting the garbage get so full & seeing who will cave first.
I’m the opposite of clingy, I’m spacious.
People joke that soup acts “all dramatic” when you put it in a microwave, but if you put those same people in a microwave, they would freak out. Hypocrites.
Me: my boyfriend said that he doesn’t love me anymore
Boyfriend: that’s not what I said! I said that I have to work and I can’t give you attention 24/7
Me: same thing
My friends wife threatened to leave him over his Star Wars collectibles and I was like divorce is strong in this one.
If the doctor is running over 30 minutes late, they should have to tell you what was going on with their last patient that took so long. I don’t mind waiting, but give me the goss
pharaoh: over my dead body!
pyramid architect: that’s where we’ll build it, yes.
Still super weird to me that humans can make other smaller humans. I wish mozzarella sticks could make other smaller mozzarella sticks.
I think it’s only called hoarding when you’re poor.
Immediately pulled out of any TV show if there’s a bookcase in the background. “Why do they have two copies of Twilight Eclipse!?” I yell at my wife as she Googles divorce lawyers…
Gyms closed. So this summer gone be about personality.
*kicking off my shoes at the end of the day but my feet go with them* haha whoops
3 yr old: I love lemonade, I’m so excited, I’ve never tried it
-the mind of a toddler is a mysterious place
My dad is watching American Pie and the sex scenes are somehow more uncomfortable at 36 than they were as a teen
My son left a package of cookies at my house then texted me asking me to not let anyone eat them.
So now I’m snapchatting him videos of me eating all his cookies and reminding him of all the times I asked him to do something and he didn’t.
I never really understood the tiny house trend, but then I saw one where the bed was literally in the kitchen, and now I get it.
I was wondering how lightning worked, then it struck me.
sober: damn im too lazy to make any food tonight
after two beers: it’s time to cook all the spaghetti in my kitchen
My neighbors got so weird when I asked how many bodies they thought were buried in their yard. I meant roughly, not like an exact number.
My mother: *brings over crap every time she visits*
Also my mother: “You sure have a lot of crap.”
Am I deceitful? Yes. I am not.
Thank god attorneys let us know they’re attorneys “at law” so we don’t assume they’re attorneys at garlic bread or something.
Guys that squirrel is on my patio in the dark dragging his little hand across his throat shit what do I do
Sorry I was asleep when you texted me and just woke up when we ran into each other just now
I’m really proud of myself for getting the daily requirement of produce stickers in my diet today.
[Hall of Justice]
BATMAN: What a day…I just saved Gotham
SUPERMAN: For sure…I just saved the planet
AQUAMAN: I hear ya…I just got tangled up in some brine shrimp
Ex [to kids]: dad made a mistake and will be gone for awhile
8: what did he do?
Ex: what do you think he did?
8: he drove while drinking
Ex: yes
8: AGAIN?!
Blood was spilled, curses were uttered, tears were shed, muscles were sprained and dowlings were thrown away, but an IKEA shelf was born.