Who called it cremation and not ashashination
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“Romeo and Juliet” serves as a potent reminder to make sure you’re on the same page with your partner re: fake death plan
Badger: I’m your Guardian Angel
Me: A badger?
B: They ran out of good ones
M: ..K
*I walk toward an oncoming car*
*Badger tears my face off*
I like how people say “travel safely” like I’m the one flying the plane.
Ants can be found on every continent except Antarctica, which is weird considering their name.
Me: [buys six boxes of Girl Scout Cookies outside store]
[Later]
Me [walking into house]: Hey I bought a box of Girl Scout cookies.
Coworker: The thing that sucks about vacation is dreading going back to work
Me: Oh I don’t need vacation to feel that way
File under excellent bookstore names.
Found some beef jerky under my kid’s pillow, and now I have some questions for the tooth fairy
Ive always hated math because, in my head, all the word problems sounded like this:
The spaghetti envelopes are triangular. Find X.
Detective Baby: We got you dead to rights, dirtbag.
*suspect puts face in hands*
Detective Baby: HE’S ESCAPED
Motherhood is the perfect combination of heart swelling pride and “I didn’t sign up for this.”
Me: *delicately inserting plastic tassels to the ends of my handlebars*
Motorcycle Instructor, shaking his head: only if you brought enough for the whole class
I am going to learn to astral project or I’m going to sleep trying.
the average person eats three spiders a year, but as you’re about to find out, it takes an entire year for three spiders to eat a person
I taught my kid the importance of stop, drop and roll at an early age. Now he never blocks my view of the television.
It’s a day for learning unwanted facts.
Squirrels are just hobos with fancy fur coats.
My brother drank a bourbon and challenged my kids to Mario Kart. My kids are about to learn how annoying it is to lose to my brother when he’s drunk.
[bicycle race]
Me *way behind because I’m struggling to ride two unicycles at once* wait
My kid didn’t like how his stuffed animal was behaving, so he renamed him Not-Listening-Ostrich, and I’m just over here wondering how to update some birth certificates
ALIEN:*points at Chihuahua* whats that?
ME: a dog
ALIEN:*points at Husky* whats that?
ME: dog
ALIEN:*getting angry, points at Pug* whats THA
[2nd time at girls house]
“where’s your dog?”
Oh he isn’t mine. I was dog sitting
[makes text alert sound w mouth] “Its work. I gotta go”
Me: I’d invite you in but my place is a mess
Friend: That’s OK. I don’t mind
M: The mess tho
F: Don’t be silly
M: I don’t want u in my house
Finally got this fire hydrant open, but there was like, the opposite of fire inside
Savlon antiseptic cream is not, as it turns out, toothpaste.
You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.
GENIE: 3 wishes. But no extra wishes & no sex stuff
Me: why not?
GENIE: I make the rules
ME: I wish I made the rules
GENIE: …dammit
GUY: how’s it going?
ME [scraping the ‘us’ off my Prius]: well it’s not going great, Ron
when I say “I want a boyfriend” I mean that I want to magically wake up one day in a peaceful and balanced 5 year relationship, not that I want to date or meet people or put in the effort towards making it a tangible reality