Who called it cremation and not ashashination
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A car almost ran into me and I screamed “WOAHHHHHH THERE BUCKAROO”
I could have died and those would have been my last words
My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.
My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.
Rather than vote, let’s all fill out the 29 dimensions of what we want in a president and let eHarmony decide.
We’re currently trapped in a crowded elevator. Good thing I have enough tuna casserole for everyone.
If you gave a million monkeys a million keyboards & let them bang away at the keys all day…then you’d have Twitter.
[checks Facebook & sees my 4th grade girlfriend has liked my hot chocolate recipe share]
ME: I knew she’d come crawling back to me one day
The Roomba is broken and now my wife expects me to fix it like she married Inspector Gadget or something.
I think I’m a genius…. I just solved a rubiks cube so fast!
It only took me 5 minutes and 25 seconds to peel off all the stickers.
nfts were less about the money and more about the friends you scammed along the way.
Geez, I’m so sorry…I’m not normally ticklish.
(me to the nail lady I just kicked in the face during my pedicure)
zombie kid: why am i being punished
zombie dad: because i found your hand in the cookie jar
Where the hell are all the scissors?!
– a parenting memoir
The platypus is what happens when you take a perfectly good concept and send it to network executives for notes.
[french restaurant]
me: do you serve frogs?waiter: no they can’t reach the table
I hope your spoon slides into your soup
The options really are this bad
I got a book from the library about oils and lubricants…
It was in the non-friction section.
Me: I have a toothache
WebMD: Your dad is the Zodiac killer
If you don’t smile and show everyone your teeth when you’re eating Oreos then you’re probably more mature than me.
Sir, you can’t walk up to the drive through window.
[45 minutes later]
*gallops up to window on stick horse*
this full container of cheese balls just rolled out of somebody’s truck onto the road
[Interview]
“You were arrested for armed robbery?”
I had no choice. It’s silly to try and rob a bank without your arms.
“We’ll be in touch.”
*requests to be buried in jaws of T-Rex skeleton so it looks like I went out fighting*
Her: I like how you did your hair today. Me: OMG thank you, I passed out in my closet last night.
one thing i can’t get over about the quiet place movies is how these monsters are attracted to the sound of a pin dropping but they make the craziest loudest noises at literally all times. how do they not spend all their screentime chasing their own tails
My girlfriend thinks I’m at work. My boss thinks I’m home sick. These ducks think I’m fuckin’ awesome because I have the bread.
me pausing my music to see if the siren is in the song or its outside
My password is ELEPHANT. It may not be the strongest but I never forget.
“EVERYONE IS ENGAGED BUT YOU” – facebook