Who called it cremation and not ashashination
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Date: I enjoy living here, but I do miss West Virginia
Me: *excited* MOUNTAIN MAMMAAAA
Date: Would you please stop doing that every time I say West Virg-
Me: MOUNTAIN MAMMAAAA
Date: Ugh, please just take me home
Me: *ecstatic* COUNTRY ROOOADS
You cowards just love watching the NFL Draft while you’re all too chickenshit to go off and serve in the football yourselves.
*cooking dinner*
Omg this smells SO good. The kids are gonna hate it.
My 4-year-old has a tummyache and before she went to bed she asked how you get the egg out of your body, so that’s how I found out she’s spent her whole life thinking we get tummyeggs when we don’t feel well.
When you realize Christmas and easter take place in the same universe..
I love how popular barn weddings are…because nothing says marriage like horse shit.
My family has been giving each other the same eight gift bags since 1973.
Always wear clean underwear, In case you are abducted by aliens
[quarantine routine]
7am: woke up
8am: fell out of bed
9am: dragged a comb across my head
10am: found my way downstairs and drank a cup
11am: looking up I noticed I was late
12pm: found my coat and grabbed my hat
1pm: made tiktoks with my cat
Fun fact: zombies actually walk normal when they’re drunk
*Gets bit by spider*
*I don’t get powers*
*Spider develops bags under all eight eyes and starts yelling at my kids*
My friend says I’m self-absorbed, so I took a long, hard look at myself. Beautiful
I simply point out, might not a warm piece of buttery toast have the same restorative effect as the cigarette to the smoker? And yet when I ask for a Toast Break I am laughed at . . .
Speed 3: Waitress has to keep talking about the day’s specials or the entire restaurant explodes.
What’s it called when you plant a ghost pepper plant and when it starts making peppers you don’t eat them because you’re afraid they’ll be too hot?
I’m that
I love when a pig looks like a disguised quest giving god
[Rock Paper Scissors]
Rock: As if a scrap of paper could hurt me.
*Paper unfolds itself, revealing a message*
YOUR PARENTS NEVER LOVED YOU
I see you people drinking from your water bottles without spilling or choking, flaunting your superiority in our faces like that
Due to inflation, the high five has dropped to a mere middle finger
And they lived apathetically ever after.
PARAMEDIC: this man needs a transfusion
JESUS: i got this *turns water into wine*
PARAMEDIC: he doesn’t need wine he needs blood
JESUS: this is my blood
You don’t want to see me when you’re angry.
2Pac won’t answer me on the ouija board which leads me to believe he’s alive and i’m high.
Please don’t ruin it for me by saying, “You don’t know where that’s been,” when I find something cool on the ground.
The internet was a mistake. Civilization was a mistake. Evolving was a mistake. We could be sitting in trees eating delicious bananas right now, but instead we’re here getting Very Angry Online.
As seen on Reddit: “Tradition is just peer pressure from dead people”.
Discuss.
always think about a caveman losing a baby tooth and being like “this can’t be good” and then several years later losing an adult tooth and thinking “no big deal it’ll grow back”
I like my men well-rounded
and sweet
and rich
and available
and covered in sprinkles
wait a minute…
that’s donuts
I like donuts
[road trip]
DAUGHTER: I have to use the bathroom.
ME: *pulls into rest stop*
DAUGHTER: Thanks.
ME: Make sure you’re back in 5 minutes.
DAUGHTER: I will.
ME: We accidentally left your brother behind once.
DAUGHTER: I don’t have a brother.
ME: Exactly.
I never learned how to flirt, I just roast the hell out of guys until they stop talking to me