Who called it cremation and not ashashination
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My ex used to sing “Brown Eyed Girl” to me….
I have blue eyes. This should have been a sign.
My husband and I have dedicated to potty training our 3-year-old this weekend because apparently we haven’t challenged our marriage enough lately.
I march to the beat of my own dumb
She’s a 10…but sometimes an 8 and maybe a 12 once in awhile because clothing sizes are so inconsistent.
[grocery store]
MOM: omg where’s my kid??!
KIDNAPPER: [retired] cereal aisle
MOM: oh thank heavens
There’s a great new book on minimalism but I only read the blurb because I believe that’s what the author would want.
Saw some turkeys and immediately thought of you.
3-year-old: There’s a spider on the carpet!
Me: Haha, that’s just a piece of fuzz.
*fuzz moves*
Me: EVERYBODY OUT OF THE HOUSE!
Waiter: *sets down check*
Me: my treat
Her: thank you so much
Me: *grabbing mint on check* for what
ME: This house is haunted
WIFE [sigh] We’ve been thru this, that’s our son
SON: I just have a pale complexion Dad
ME: TELL ME YOU HEARD THAT
[edison inventing lightbulb]
[match appears over his head]
I have an idea
I’m proud to say my dog was a rescue.
He was behind this terrible fence.
In my neighbor’s yard.
Him: *running* That’s not what they mean when they say, “Chicks dig scars!”
Me: *shovel in hand* It’s what this chick means.
every college guy’s fridge
I just tried to poach an egg and I now understand why eggs Benedict is $24
My girlfriend said she wants me to make her feel like shes the only girl in the world.
So I’m gonna drop her off in the desert and leave.
It still bothers me that airplanes aren’t called skyscrapers
I always wanted to be just like Flo Rida. That’s why I changed my name to “New Ham Sure”
If the couch is barking, you’re sitting on the dog.
NOBODY MOVE THIS IS A ROBBERY! *other robber looks over at me* dude no you can move. We talked about this. Get the money
If Dean is Dean then why is Sean Shawn?
I read a sad statistic that something like 2% of all sushi goes un-Instagrammed.
Wait til the people so excited about all-day breakfast at McDonald’s find out they can make breakfast at home whenever they want.
Me when I hear gossip
Beautiful woman who approaches my friend: Hey! You’re the father of one of my kids
Friend: Listen I got a good life, we both agreed it was a one time thin-
Woman: I’m his English teacher
Never in my wildest dreams have I imagined myself entering a bank, wearing a mask, and asking for money.
If you leave our home after a visit we will stand on the porch and wave until you drive out of sight because that’s how we were raised, by maniacs.
[1st day as an animal researcher]
*tagging a bear*
Me: you’re it
