Who called it cryptocurrency instead of “Bits Betta Have My Money”?
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When I’m forced to visit people I don’t like I find a way to sneak their peanut butter into their fridge
Boys get 1 polo shirt and wear it till the horse dies!!
I don’t have many enemies because I’m funny and sweet and they all died in mysterious fires.
My plant is drunk, it’s growing in the wrong direction.
the moral of the Phantom of the Opera is that sometimes there’s this weird guy who is impossible to deal with
the legend of bigfoot and the bodacious badonkadonk
My superpower is turning food and drink into larger pants.
Saw the optometrist and he said he’s going to have to increase my prescription because my eye muscles have gotten weaker. I think he can tell I’ve been skipping eye day when I go to the gym.
me: [struggling to think of things to talk about] “so what do you do for a living?”
barber: [slowly stops cutting my hair]
Interviewer: If we hire you, where do you hope to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
A quick way to get your kids to leave you alone is to say, “I need to make your dentist appointment.”
I bet that if you cooked the entire Earth in a giant microwave, it would somehow come out cold in the middle.
One of my kids hates the smell of melted cheese, so naturally my other kid is going through a nachos only phase.
911: what’s your emergency
me: i need an ambulance at the public pool, jesus tried to do a cannonball
911: again?
me: he won’t listen to us
Oh, you’re about to earn your 3rd master’s degree? I’m still working on spelling “bananas” without singing “Hollaback Girl” in my head.
I find it funny when an actor starts off a movie doing an accent and then it mysteriously disappears like their paycheck just cleared
I try to kill that fly in the house five or six times and then just open the storm door and let him fly away. It was never personal.
*15th century*
Shaggy: ‘Twas not I
is it considered a threesome if i jack off with both hands?
*eye of the tiger starts to play as I trip & fall down the stairs
Opening dryer:
Me: where’s the left sock?!
Parallel universe me: where’s the right sock?!
Other parallel universe me: extra pair again! Thank you, sock gods!
Pal – “Can you help me put this IKEA desk together?”
Me – “I’ll need a screwdriver.”
Pal – “Sure what type?”
Me – “Greygoose or Kettle One.”
Stephen Hawking says artificial intelligence could destroy the human race. Sorry Stephen, but my money’s on LACK of intelligence.
Heckling someone at their third wedding automatically removes you from their fourth wedding invitee list
The more you know
*wife walks in*
*sees cheese balls everywhere*
*shakes head*“what? 8 won’t get better at catching food in his mouth if we don’t practice”
Me: Would you bring me the mattress cover off your bed?
Son: *looks puzzled* The what?
Me: The mattress cover. The quilted looking sheet.
Son:
Me: The final boss sheet at the bottom.
Son: Oh that.
Children give terrible gifts because they’re poor.
Me: i hate it when I have to come in to work
Boss: i hate it when you have to come to work, too
Friend: “Hey, want me to get out my didgeridoo so I can play for you?”
I’d rather you didgerididn’t.