Who called it cryptocurrency instead of “Bits Betta Have My Money”?
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Happy 50% off black jellybeans day!
“What if kids lost all their baby teeth at once? Kid turns five and their teeth start flying out of their mouth, like popcorn in a pot without a lid?”
“I meant questions about your root canal.”
“Nah. Hook up the gas and let’s party.”
Never lose touch with your inner Wednesday Addams.
Remember: when you kiss someone’s elbow, you’re also kissing the gut of every person they’ve ever elbowed.
The International Space Station was assembled IN SPACE.
I can’t follow one page of illustrated instructions to assemble an IKEA dresser.
HER: help I’m drowning!
ME: what’s the magic word?
HER: *gurgling* PLEASE![Later]
ME: *quietly to coroner* it was abracadabra
No bullshit, if any color is unemployed, its maroon
20s: I want to see the world!
40s: If I do all of my food shopping on Sunday I won’t have to go outside for a week.
A fun thing to do on a first date is wear a wedding dress
“Doctor, I’m afraid of people yelling letters of the alphabet at me.”
THERAPIST: Oh! You are? WHY???
DiCaprio movie endings;
Shutter Island: is he dead?
Titanic: is the boat dead?
Romeo & Juliet: is everyone dead?
Inception: am I dead?
Weighing myself:
“That can’t be right. Let’s do that again.”
“Okay, best of 3”
no officer these drugs aren’t mine i stole them
“Can we stop for a second? I forgot everyone’s names again.” – me, if I was a character on Game of Thrones
Against the wall, on the counter and bent over the couch are the places I like to stretch.
My wife and I take turns going to our 11-year-old’s swim meets.
Two weeks in a row, when it was my turn, the meet got canceled.
Now our daughter always wants it to be my turn.
Looks like we all just want to stay home.
[Maroon 4 meeting]
Adam Levine: “Our band name sucks”
Drummer that no one knows the name of: “let’s think bigger”
Adam: “I’ve got it”
I’ve got lots of frenemies. That’s what I call French people who are my enemies.
7-year-old: *telling me the rules of a game she made up* The goalies get swords.
Me: I am so in.
I liked having a roommate because I could always tell myself she was sneaking my peanut butter & that’s why I went through it so fast. Then, I learned she has a peanut allergy. I’m moving out.
Friend: “I just blew a speaker in my car.”
Me: “Which kind?”
Friend: “Motivational.”
like people say things like ‘tuna fish’ but not ‘duck bird’ or ‘dad father’
93% of men in the 1930s ate their lunch while sitting on the edge of scaffolding at the top of unfinished skyscrapers in New York city.
Bought some skinny jeans and tied them around my waist, they don’t work.
Don’t eat yellow snow. Red snow, on the other hand, is debatable. Could be horrible, could be cherry.
When you’re bad at swearing but you’re trying to threaten someone:
REAL LIFE JUNGLE BOOK
Chapter 1, Page 1:So Mowgli gets straight up eaten, like, right the heck away.
(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
WhyDid
You
Unfollow
Me?
The next time I accidentally wear a red shirt to target I’m just gonna tell everyone there is a sale on deer meat in isle six