Who called it cryptocurrency instead of “Bits Betta Have My Money”?
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As the rain pelts down on the window I am simultaneously happy I don’t have to go water the garden and pissed because I just washed the car.
A faucet is just a vertical treadmill for a tiny jesus
JUDGE: how do you plead
ME: Whats the one where you killed a ton of people but you don’t want to tell anyone
JUDGE: not guilty
ME: that one
Never underestimate the power of karate to save a marriage.
The Amazon driver drove right by my house without dropping off a package.
He’s got some nerve.
Amish murderers get the acoustic chair.
I made the obviously poor decision to only eat half of my burrito and now the other half won’t stop staring at me
this is the best interaction on twitter
[job interview]
“Under skill it says nicknames?”
“You know it Sex Dragon.”
“Sex Dragon wants to know when you can start?”
[napping on couch]
Son: wanna play cops and robbers?
Me: ok i’ll be the cops.
Son: you have to chase me.
Me: I can’t.
Son: why not?
Me: i’m waiting on a judge to sign your warrant.
Son: oh.
Me: [eyes still closed] I’ll let you know when it comes in.
Don’t believe in aliens, huh? Explain how people in the 1800s got on top of those bicycles with the huge front wheels.
White Walkers need coffee too #WinterIsHere
[Bucket Lists]
2003:
1. Visit Rome
2. Go skydiving
3. Run marathon2017:
1. Eat sitting down
2. Wake up naturally
3. Finish painting foyer
Some ppl like I TRUST ONLY YOU WITH MY SECRET DONT TELL ANYBODY and then go tell it to 10 ppl
Remember, if you get dumped, it’s only because they’re looking for someone sexier and more attractive. It has NOTHING to do with you.
{At therapists}
SIMBA: Once my dad let a monkey hold me over a cliff.
If a chimp tries to sign up for your karate class, DO NOT LET HIM! He already has the strength & the anger. Don’t give him the skills.
My father just called me to tell me that my voicemail is full so no one can leave me a message and this is the best news I’ve had all week.
Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.
Body: go to sleep
Brain: what country has the largest population of goats? Better run a search on this
me: what kind of dog is that?
him: husky
me: sorry, *deep raspy voice* what kind of dog is that?
“Let’s go round and introduce ourselves”
#SixWordHorror
If you’re pulled over, wait for the cop to lean down to your window, then use their vulnerability to give them a quick peck on the cheek
Burn microwave popcorn in the lunch room to establish dominance.
i haven’t seen a “turn $50 into $5000” post in a minute, y’all in jail now?
[nearing end of first date]
Me: I’ll give you a call later, OK?
Her: *throws phone in river* I lost my phone.
“WHAT IS THAT NOISE?”
“Mom…”
“IS IT DEATH METAL?”
“It’s…”
“ARE YOU A DEVIL WORSHIPPER?!”
“One Direction.”
“ARE YOU GONNA KILL THE DOG?!”
“Sorry, but none of my clothes fit today.” My date nods, and politely avoids looking at my towel and safety pins.
Me: I can do whatever I want through Christ who strengthens me
Attorney: ok but again, as your lawyer I strongly advise you to not say that in court
The retirement age needs to be lowered to 50. I’ve had enough!