Who called it cryptocurrency instead of “Bits Betta Have My Money”?
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I wouldn’t say my husband and I are competitive but we do play a very cutthroat version of name that tune anytime a song comes on.
Let’s talk about the elephant in the room.
Elephant: I can hear you, you know.
If you don’t like your son, grab a football and tell him to go long. Never throw it. He’s gone now.
You know you’re getting old when you fall down and wonder what else you can do while you’re down there.
My 5 year old still has so much to learn. I asked him for a screwdriver and he brought me some sort of tool.
I hate when I’m beating my grandma in Mario Kart and she kicks the controller out my hands.
My parents are still threatening to put me up for adoption.
Sometimes I put my phone down and do things with two hands, like in the olden days.
I was swindled; step-counting doesn’t include when my memory is jogged
*buys dog organic, free-range, non-nitrate chicken treats for $7.99, buys self Big Mac
i saw “independence day” in the theater in 1996, and friends, i will never forget the way the entire audience literally and ecstatically CHEERED when the dog escaped from the explosion. that dog could have won an election for president with like 95% of the vote in july, 1996
[slides $5 to paramedic]
Me: maybe it takes us too long to get to the hospital & maybe I don’t make it
*at my funeral*
Friend crying over my casket: look they’re burying her in her favorite dress
Me, still dead: it haaasss pockets
Are you a can of biscuits? Because I’d like to bang you on the counter.
Stop buying me complex technological devices that I have to go take a class to learn how to use just buy me a goat
Me: Can I get a 12 inch sub?
Naval officer: They’re usually a lot bigger
“Sucks to suck!” My 3 yr old yelled as she ran away from me in a busy store. You see, I don’t simply have bullies, I make them.
BOSS: I have some tough news
INVISIBLE MAN: Go on
BOSS: HR says we need to hire more “Visible” minorities
INVISIBLE MAN: This is bullshit
I bought a stationary bike last year and, boy oh boy, has it lived up to its name.
Couldn’t afford a large screen tv this Christmas so I kept my current one but moved the couch 4 foot closer
There’s no 5 second rule at my house.
The dog is much quicker than that.
Cop lights are so pretty at night
The worst thing about living in the city must be cleaning all the dead parkour people out of your chimney.
Does anyone know how to get to Sesame Street? Elmo owes me money.
[first day as a spy]
Wife: what’s your bosses name?
Me: I can’t tell you that
Wife: why?
Me: because I don’t remember, Linda
If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry Vegans…
…don’t worry about it. They’re too weak to hurt you.
My 5 y/o just pooped teal. I asked what she ate and she said, I hid in the pantry yesterday and ate all the blue sprinkles in the shaker. FFS
my primary source of oxygen is gasping at all the stupidity
My doctor says I’m a hypochondriac. Is that any way to speak to a woman who’s probably dying?
If your store sells carpet and tile and you’re not advertising a July Floor-th sale then what are you even doing?