Who called it cryptocurrency instead of “Bits Betta Have My Money”?
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[at bar]
“Yeah I pulled down a solid 6 figs last year.”
Whoa that’s impressive!
“I know, right! Can’t believe I got fired by that fig farm.”
My husband in the next room of our small old house trying to store away the unreasonable bounty he brought home from Costco tonight: “I have made errors. Why did I think we had this much room for pancake mix?”
I love Chinese food as much as the next guy, but you’ll never convince me a chicken fried this rice.
Dominos sent me an email while I was in the frozen pizza section. Trust issues much? I’ll call you later, relax.
Just walking down the “Gluten Free” aisle, secretly dropping boxes of Twinkies in everyone’s carts.
People to panhandlers: Get a job, you lazy bum
People to ducks: Who has free bread for you? Is it me? Yes, it is
Date: I can’t go out with a guy unless he’s a big dog person
Me [a werewolf]: This is your lucky day
People who dip their pizza in ranch dressing have killed and will kill again.
I like my women like I like my glasses: thick, transparent, and uneven
Threw some hot dogs and a velociraptor egg into my shake this morning, I’m ready to take on the world.
BOSS: you’re fired
ME: please give me another chance, I’m struggling to put food on the table
BOSS: that’s the problem…you’re the worst waiter I’ve ever hired
Parents today:
Text me when you get there, text me the names of the kids who are there, text me when you’re coming home.Parents in the 80s:
Bye.
It’s actually Dr. whatever
Don’t be fooled, sheeple. That Blood Moon thing tomorrow night? Just a ploy by Big Nature to get us to look up from our phones.
[old couple feeding ducks in the park]
“Nothing could ruin this Edna”
*I scare all the ducks away, punch the old man and steal their bread
Donald Trump has Muslim friends, Rick Santorum has gay friends, Ted Cruz has imaginary friends. #GOPDebate
There are many different theories about why humans even need to sleep but I’m pretty sure it’s to charge our phones.
Yes, I have an hourglass figure, as long as the hour was spent speed-eating Hobnobs at a competitive level.
[Annual Review]
Boss: how do you think you performed this year?
Me: *an accountant* I think I “excelled” at my job.
Boss: you’re fired.
Me: This is such an accrual profession.
Father O’Malley answers the phone. ‘Hello, is this Father O’Malley?’
‘It is!’
‘This is the IRS. Can you help us?’
‘I can!’
‘Do you know a Ted Houlihan?’
‘I do!’
‘Is he a member of your congregation?’
‘He is!’
‘Did he donate $10,000 to the church?’
‘He will.’
Optician can tell from my eyes bleeding that I only just started flossing before the appointment
There’s a lot of strange facts in this world if you think about it. For example, some people like when there’s pulp in their orange juice.
I was told to be more optimistic so I’ve decided french fries aren’t bad for me.
I always carry a yoga mat with me so I can take a nap right after eating at the Golden Corral.
I don’t mind when a waitress says, “Is Pepsi fine?” when I ask for some coke.
But when my drug dealer says it, it’s kind of annoying
I wouldn’t mind razor blades in my Halloween candy this year, they’re getting really expensive.
If I could ask God for one thing, it would probably be power equal to or greater than his own.
[after having one kid then having twins]
wife: we should have sexfibonacci: absolutely not
Midnight snack: battle between how much you crave food versus how much you don’t want to brush your teeth again