Who called it emotional baggage and not griefcase
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Nothing good happens on the credit card after midnight.
I’m gonna take this shit to another level!
*pushes elevator button*
*gets into any creepy van*
*Gets kicked out*
girls will be like “this is my comfort movie” and it’s texas chainsaw massacre.
Based on her reaction I don’t think my toddler will ever forgive me for gently wiping her face.
Me, covered in grease and tossing a filthy rag over my shoulder: Alright…wiper fluid’s full.
5: *comes in room* hey old lady
Me: *looks around*
5: *looks me in the eye* hey old lady
Me: *packages him up in Amazon box and puts outside for collection*
ANGEL: *creates alligator*
ANGEL’S BROTHER: *creates crocodile*A: *creates dolphin*
AB: *creates porpoise*A: *creates llama*
AB: *creates alpaca*A: *creates ostrich*
AB: *creates emu*A: quit copying me
AB: qUiT cOpYiNg mEA: i’m telling god
AB: i’M TeLLiNg gOd
No one is in denial more than a mom who brings a book to the pool
Saw a dude chugging a bottle of mustard and it wasn’t even close to the weirdest thing I witnessed today. I’ll ketchup with more details later.
Executioner: Any last words?
Me: Sparn
Executioner: Ok [throws switch] Wait, what does that mean
Me:
Executioner: WHAT DOES THAT MEAN GOD DAMN IT
Waiter, Waiter, there’s a small slug in my salad.
I’m so sorry Sir, would you like me to bring you a bigger one?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Good thing you put a swing in your birds cage he’s probably on that thing like
“MAN THIS IS WAY BETTER THAN FLYING”
Them: Hey girl what’s your sign
Me: McDonalds Open 24 hours
I’ll take a low-fat, mocha, chai, organic-soy-milk latte, with a shot of French vanilla, sprinkled with unicorn soul, please.
My perfect date would be a hike in the mountains, and her telling me all about it when she gets back.
I’m speeding because I have to get there before I forget where I’m going.
If you fall asleep long enough the steering wheel gives you a pillow.
I walked a girl home last night, and things got a little awkward at one point.
She turned around and found out I was walking her home.
Seriously you guys, the only reason to check Facebook, is to find out where people are going, and then go somewhere else.
Crayons overthrow royal blue, elect sienna-tors.
My dad lied a lot. I was 17 before I realized the ‘Silver Table Cat’ wasn’t a real species, and that we didn’t own a pet, we owned a toaster
I don’t drive a flashy car, but the cop behind me does.
I asked what I could bring for Thanksgiving this year and my mom said it was up to me so I’m bringing a wireless router.
“Bob is coming over for dinner.”
Bob from work or Bob the giraffe?
*there’s a knock at the upstairs window*
My teen changed my name in her phone to “spam risk” and she thought it was hilarious right up until she got kicked off the family plan.
Hey morons, when in doubt, just spell it “theiyr’re.”
Took the batteries out the smoke detector for the TV remote cos I’d rather suffocate & burn to death beyond recognition in my sleep than get up to change channel.