Who called it emotional baggage and not griefcase
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My boss has a rather shrill phone voice. I once spent 20m talking to him, before realizing it was actually someone trying to send us a fax.
Spider-Man has a special plate onto which he can put down his felafel and hummus sandwich. It’s a pita parker.
Current forecast: 3-6 inches of 🔥🔥🔥🔥
It was Timothy’s second week undercover, and frankly, he was getting absolutely nowhere.
I’m not a racist. Racism is a crime and crime is for black people.
Salesgirl: [handing me makeup samples] here are the freebies we promised you!
Me: [wearing my brand-new beekeeper’s suit] …oh
I picked up a big pack of toilet paper in Walmart and some dude was on the same aisle like “dang sir what you gonna do with all that…” I wasn’t aware this needed an explanation but here we are
Parent Fact: Sugar makes kids crazy.
Grandparent Fact: Vengeance is mine.
I’m sorry, I didn’t realize how quiet your bathroom exhaust fan was.
[evil villain turns around in chair to confront adversary but spins too fast and does two complete revolutions before talking]
Hate your job as a calendar maker?Need a way to get fired? Easy.
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Just take a day off
Thursday Thought.
LOCAL BOTS ARE SICK AND TIRED OF PRETENDING TO BE HOT LOCAL SINGLES AND WANT YOU TO ACCEPT THEM AS THEY ARE; LINES OF CODE AND NOTHING MORE
Me: You get your smarts from me.
My kid: Yep, I got your mustache too. Heyooo!
So, free to a good home if anyone wants a kid.
Me: *drops mic*
Mic’s parents: OUR BABY!
Everyone saying “Poor Steve Nash, he got hurt again”. POOR? That boy making $9,701,000 this year. If he poor, then I’m skinny.
Doctor: This makes no sense. The ultrasound isn’t finding your baby
Wife: Haha, well I guess we know who he takes after
Waldo: *from behind a curtain* That’s my boy
King: You name me madman, despot, tyrant. But how much blood stains YOUR hands, boy? They will hate you as they hated me. Do it then. If you would strike me down and claim my throne, do it! Do it and be done!
*raising sword*
Burger Prince: Very well, father. Have it your way.
Love putting on underwear fresh out of the dryer. They’re so warm and cozy, and it’s fun.
* scans the laundromat and guess whose they are.
Dealing with your ex before driving across town in traffic is great for the blood pressure…
*scoops litter everyday for 17 yrs*
Kids: We want a kitten!
Me: How about unlimited candy, an Xbox and a PS5 instead?
Still disappointed that a goblet is just a cup and not a miniature goblin.
I never thought I’d fight with my wife over who gets to run basic errands alone but then we had two kids.
Don’t bore a girl by saying she’s beautiful, like every other shallow creep
Grab her interest by saving her from a staged hostage situation
Some girl is stalking me & has been telling ppl I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship
That guy who ran through the White House could go to prison for ten years, so there’s another reason I don’t run.
Help
It’ll never work, we have very different definitions of words like talented, celebrity, amazing and intelligent.
I just finished a 5 year relationship. Luckily it wasn’t mine.
Heckling the flight attendant during the oxygen mask demo