Who called it emotional blackmail and not a heart attack?
You Might Also Like
My family thinks short term memory loss is adorable when a fish has it in Finding Dory, but when I have it, “Mommy has a drinking problem”.
My resume is just an old VHS tape of the “Life Goes On” episode where Corky lip syncs “Fight the Power” for his school’s talent show.
Only I can prevent forest fires? Why are you leaving me in charge of forest fires? I can’t even prevent chafing.
CUSTOMER: What’s it run on?
YODA: [first day as an electric car salesman] Watts, it run on.
CUSTOMER: Ok I need to speak to your manager, you baldy parrot.
when will chicken evolve to the point where they hatch already coated in 11 secret yet oh so delicious herbs and spices?
My 13 yro daughter just asked
What if “Let the Bodies Hit the Floor” & “It’s Raining Men” are about the same event, but from different perspectives?
Last night I was walking Bizzy, and a friendly stranger asked how old she was. When I told him, he said: “She don’t walk like she’s 15 though!!!” I…I think he catcalled my dog?
Today’s workout. 7 x 4 min intervals, 90 min walk. Participated in polar bear swim. Banned from the zoo.
My version of dry January is just trying to see if I can get through the month without any poopcidents. So far it’s been an epic fail.
Colossal ancient god: YOUR SACRIFICE?
Me: *frantically googling “gift ideas”*
(When I hear a news report of someone getting run over while walking their dog) IS THE DOG OKAY JUST TELL ME THE DOG IS OKAY
Of course bears shit in the woods, they do most of their stuff in the woods, very few bears own a house.
Me: Ok I’m just gonna lay down for like 15 minutes.
[11 Days later]
Oh no
My daughter is grounded for eternity and she just asked me the life expectancy of an adult male who smokes cigarettes and drinks too much coffee…
The Art Institute has many world-famous masterpieces but more importantly it has this little freak
“Did anyone else’s house get burglarized and have horrible music put on all their devices……….oh U2?”
This recipe’s great because you probably have all the ingredients on hand! OK let’s start: grind your caribou horn down til you have half a teaspoon of powder…
tag: “dry clean only”
me: single-use garment? what a waste
[interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”Superman: Seriously?
Anyone who’s ever stood in a busy McDonald’s line at 10:29am not knowing what to get has been closer to getting murdered than they realize.
(On phone) Him: I just ran a marathon in under four? Me: (eating) months or years?
Someone threw a chainsaw at me this morning.
Definitely a first.
It was pretty cool.
My spirit animal just ran into a glass door.
Him: You look angry.
Me: *lowering the flame thrower*
Do I?
Some of you people, plus the magic marker I ate earlier, make me sick.
Don’t fall in love with your therapist they are crazier than you are.
[3 dads circling new neighbor on their bikes]
“im not looking for any trouble”
all three dads in unison: HI NOT LOOKING FOR TROUBLE IM DAD
This is actually what my executive dysfunction looks like