Who called it “falling in love” and not “assisted suicide”?
You Might Also Like
Hate your job as a calendar maker?Need a way to get fired? Easy.
( •_•)
( •_•)>⌐■-■
(⌐■_■)
Just take a day off
Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.
I can’t figure out why my son hates me.
Tim hates you?
No, my other son. I can’t remember his name. I just call him “not Tim”
[space mission studying behaviour of snakes on the moon]
astronaut: “we should’ve taken our own”
astronaut holding net: “just keep looking”
My daughter is yelling at Alexa because it doesn’t know a song she made up. This may be the end of their friendship.
“the blood moon rises once again” [the dishes i washed yesterday respawn in my sink]
look. life is bad. evryones sad. we’re all gona die. but i alredy bought this inflatable boumcy castle so r u gona take ur shoes off or wat
[third date]
Her: please quit calling me Jenny
Me: oh my apologies Jennifer
Her: my name is Amanda
Digital security in Ancient Troy
when I put “???” In a conversation, this is exactly my face behind the phone lol
[Testing Cat-Human Translator]
Scientist: Cat, what is your name?
Cat: I AM KANG THE DESTROYER
Owner: It’s not working. His name is Socks.
saw some family i haven’t seen in 30 yrs & now i’m good for another 30 yrs
technically mixed martial arts can include tickle fighting
Practice self-care like a lighthouse, let your problems crash all around you but avoid it by gazing mindlessly off into the distance.
*buys a sectional couch made of cauliflower*
I wish this was real life…
New Year, New Me
New Me [looking around]: absolutely not
[Garden of Eden]
EVE: If I eat the apple I get to leave?
GOD: Get to?
ADAM SANDLER: Eatin that appley bappodoodaly
EVE: Yes, get to.
My husband’s really not keen on this whole ‘date night’ thing that married people are supposed to do……
Perhaps next time I should go out with him?
We’re having sweet potato fries with dinner
“Haha sweet potatoes?”
DON’T
“Don’t what?”
You’re gonna make a dumb potato pun
“I YAM NOT!”
The revolution will be televised, but interrupted by a live breaking story about a new panda at the zoo.
My public school was so bad the only thing I know about Africa is Toto.
Me: How are you doing?
4yo: Thank you…and no thank you!
Me: Same though.
Just saw a license plate that said “LUV SLUG.” I hope it shrivels up when they salt the roads in the winter.
4: MOM I NEED ANOTHER RED WINE!
Me, to the judging parents at the beach: RED VINE! She wants another licorice!!
Like I’d ever share my wine with her.
Me: “Another day, another dollar.”
My boss: “Please don’t discuss your salary in front of co-workers.”
pregnant wife: what should we call it if it’s a girl?
me: herbert
pregnant wife: but what if it’s a b-
me: himbert
At a job interview:
“What are your strengths?”
“I’m an optimist and a positive
thinker.”“Give me an example”
“When do I start?”
at work when it’s slow and everyone’s mad i like to say “at least we have our health and are surrounded by friends” and everyone gets more mad.
Why did the momma kangaroo add onions, celery and various spices and seasonings to her pouch?
She was making her kids marsoupial.