Who called it “falling in love” and not “assisted suicide”?
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Did you come from a “never take medicine for any reason whatsoever” family or a “you might get a headache today, take 12 advil” family
I don’t know why people get mad when someone uses their driveway to turn around. You get to feel the rage of someone dropping by unexpectedly followed by the orgasmic relief of them leaving.
The girl in front of me googled “med school GPA” and then immediately after googled “what can I do with a biology degree”.
I have witnessed someone face reality.
I once dated a girl for 3 months because we were stuck in a hammock.
[Tattoo Parlor]
Me: Hi, I’d like to get a tattoo on my calf.
Calf: *nervous mooing*
In Hell, you cannot peel off the colors on a Rubik’s Cube to solve it
To the twenty something year old girls who think forty something year old women are jealous of them- enjoy your next 240 periods!
*Showing me a picture of your baby*
Me: Is that a dog toy in the background? What kind of dog do you have? What’s your dog’s name?
My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
every Crock-Pot recipe:
– add anything in the house
– cook 3-19 hours on low
This week’s mood.
My husband thinks it’s funny how I have nothing to wear until I pack 4 suitcases for a trip.
When I say “seriously!” with either of the eyebrows raised, it could be a thinly disguised euphemism for wtf!!!
If you don’t know what to say, people absolutely love talking about potatoes
My wife got mad at me for buying the family size pack of oreos for just the two of us and I was like are we or are we not a family
Lately I do feel like my body and I are in a passive-aggressive fight that’s rapidly escalating.
Parenting just means you have to pretend you like to eat fruits and vegetables in front of your kids knowing you’d rather eat a cheeseburger instead.
Staying in an AirBNB: “The key is buried in the yard, use the pink metal detector to find it. Kitchen has 3 utensils you’ve never seen before and 7 bottles of spices no one likes. The rabid wolverine in the crawl space is friendly. Please re-tile the shower when you check out.”
I drove my new Corvette over to see my daughter’s puppy. First time I took my Vette to the dog.
3.
The number of times you can flip a grilled cheese sandwich before you notice that you have the pan on the wrong burner…cuz of Twitter.
Someone asked me what I was doing this weekend and I panicked at the thought of making plans so I said I was doing my taxes
My son and daughter were just arguing, and as she was walking away he yelled at her “I HOPE BOTH SIDES OF YOUR PILLOW ARE WARM TONIGHT!”
Them: “can you just be cool for like once, maybe?”
Me: *whips a kazoo out from my pocket protector* “say no more my friend… say no more”
kidnapper: [on the phone] pay the ransom to get your son back
dad: oh god let me talk to him
kidnapper: very well
dad: son listen money doesn’t grow on trees
I am thinking of watching a movie with my boyfriend. Can anyone recommend a good boyfriend?
“Alexa, lock the door”
– me to my friend alexa because computers locking doors is LITERALLY HOW TERMINATOR STARTED
me: well it’s technically the bride of frankenstein’s monster
hostage negotiator: we should get back on topic
My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember where he parked.
You must be radiating feminine mystique because every man in the cafe is looking at you, and then you realize there’s a TV over your head.
Overall productive day..
*Ordered Batman boxer briefs & matching knee socks
*Called my mom
*Bought an Xbox game, & a goat, on Craigslist